Mistakes Were Made: An NGE New Game Plus
by Daiyon no Kabe
Summary: More songs about EVA deconstruction.  And rearranged boss fights.  And Third Impact.  And bishie sparkles. And reference nesting dolls.  And hacking through dense layers of meaningless symbolism with a chainsaw katana.  That is on fire. Now with closure.
1. Babylon Angel's Song

_This is a work of fiction. Any references to Hellsing, RealDolls (TM), and [REDACTED] are purely coincidental, so don't look for them._

Backlit by the noonday sun, three titanic war machines prepared for certain destruction.

"Alright you dogs, here's the gameplan." A red-haired girl in a red-armored mecha looks out over a panoramic view of the city, moving markers over a miniature city like an amateur conductor.  
"I'll circle around and hit the bogey from the rear. Wondergirl, you proceed under cover to sector 7, where the Positron Rifle Kai is waiting. It's all set up just the way you like it too. Once at the position, you will lay down suppressive fire, and act as an out if Shinji McDumbass messes things up again."

"Hey, you haven't even given me orders and you're insulting my competence," the dumbass in question retorts. He's taken a position ahead and to the right of the red one, always the meat shield. He sighs, and his machine sighs with him; its shoulders slouching.

"You can't insult something that doesn't exist, dipshit. Anyway, McDumbass, you take point, act as a diversion."

"Why am I always the diversion?"

"Because you're expendable."

"But what about Rei? There's a tank full of her and we've both seen it. She's the definition of expendable!"

A slight, sickly cough rings through the commlink as a human Dollfie appears on her comrades' viewscreens. Bright red eyes stare out through half-closed lids; a silent, bored warning of unending torment. The red haired girl shudders.

"Wondergirl may be a creepy mass produced doll thing, but she can shoot better than the both of us and you know it. Besides, we all know your mommy does most of the actual piloting for you."

Shinji's head falls forward as his mecha moans in assent. Finally someone recognizes how much she sweats and struggles to keep her baby boy from killing himself. Granted, the ripping and tearing parts are more for her personal amusement, but the end results are the same.

"Gee, thanks for not only making me feel totally inadequate-"

"Which you are."

"...but reminding me that just being in this thing has all sorts of creepy Freudian undertones. I was hoping we could leave that with the last Impact." His mecha growls, making the cockpit shake like a cement mixer. "Sorry. You've gotta admit this is weird as hell though." The mecha nods.

"Not as weird as you five-knuckle shuffling to my semi-persistent vegetative state, schwein."

Tired of being ignored, the enemy takes this time to make its advance; spraying acid from the stylized eyes on the front end of its egg-shaped body. The red and purple mecha scramble, taking cover behind two conveniently placed buildings.

"Jesus Asuka, you're never gonna let me live that one down are you?"

The red headed one, now known to the three people coming in who haven't seen the source material as Asuka Sohryu-[REDACTED], puts on her smarmiest smirk. "Of course not Shinjecchi, at least, not until you apologize."

"I already did though! Three times!" Shinji shouts, leaning out of cover to take potshots at the low-budget Kaiju.

"Not good enough! You have to mean it!" The red mecha curls inwards to avoid some acid spray, tightening its grip on a metal shaft. "Get down on your hands and knees, kowtow to me, call me Queen, and then kiss my-"

"Squad Leader Shikinami."

Asuka turns to the image of that damned annoying RealDoll ™. "Sohryu dammit, and what?"

The busted up Barbie doll is already in position, cradling a totally not phallic sniper rifle like a newborn baby. Her face is smooth as plexiglass, disregarding the fact that her right eye has gone jet black and sketchy. A dim red light burns dead center. "Awaiting signal for maneuver start."

"Oh yeah. Commence Buttercup Formation in drei, zwei, eins, now!"

And they're off.

**Track 1: Babylon Angel's Song**

The purple and green death machine vaults over a building and into a run straight at that one Angel nobody likes. You know, the one with all the eyes and the acid and shit.

Third Child, ex-godling, and general buttmonkey Shinji Ikari sallies forth, survival mantra of "I mustn't run away" replaced with "The fuck else am I going to go?" A hatch on the back of Unit 01 opens up, ejecting a sleek looking handle. The techno-organic mecha reaches back and unsheathes a wicked looking blade; the unholy lovechild of a chainsaw, a prog-knife, and a katana. Child and Eva roar together as they come in for the kill. A looping slash is stopped cold by an array of orange concentric hexagons, force meeting force. An acidic riposte makes 01 juke right, scraping the sword along the Angel's side. Again, it meets Absolute Territory, and not the thigh-high kind. Force push comes to shove, and the many-eyed monster of the week sends Shinji flying into a residential area; paper-thin barrier scraping streets and concrete. Unit 01 coughs out a puff of smoke, shakes debris off like a dog, and runs headlong and headfirst into the AT-Field. Wide brown eyes dart around the console as 01 bangs her head.

"Asuka, hurry up! I'm getting nowhere over here."

"Can't even put up a fight against the lamest Angel? Mein Gott, you're sad."

Eva Unit-02, the Red Comet of Tokyo-3, kicks off of another conveniently placed building and into the sky. A tattered brown cloak billows behind it, prog knives flying six blades rapid. The blades ricochet harmlessly off of the AT-Field, but you knew that already. A momentary distraction is all that's needed for Unit 02 to Goomba Stomp atop the Angel. The white-hot tip of an Absurdium spear finds purchase in one of many eyes, earning a fountain of searing purplish blood for the trouble. Stray droplets eat away at armor plating with the quickness, making Asuka wince at the shared sensation. She gives the Angel a few choice words in German with a boot to the general facial area for an exclamation point. It skids a fair bit, taking Unit 01 along for the ride; the robotic oni still worrying at the AT-Field like a particularly tough piece of rope.

Meanwhile, in a secure enclave situated in an industrial park, Unit 00 waits. Rei Ayanami sits, head bowed, black right eye open. If it weren't for the erratic movement of her red light "pupil", it would look like she was fast asleep. A functional-chic music player sits in her lap, black headphone cable snaking contrast up her white plugsuit and whiter skin. If she wished, she could end this in an instant: swallow everything in light and heat and a powdered orange beverage. She could cast off this cold metal (yet oddly endearing) shell, bring the light of her soul to full bear, rend the world and gleefully absorb the Third Child into her bosom again.

She could, but that wouldn't be sporting.

So she waits.

Unit 00 lies prone: umbilical cord no longer a necessity, remade positron rifle trained directly on the poor bastard child's core the entire time. Wait for the order, make Sohryu feel important, don't wash away the agonizing work each one of her children did to reject her embrace, to leave the nest. Let the show continue.

"Wondergirl, where the fuck is that suppressive fire? Shinji's cocking it up even more than usual-"

"Hey!"

"And that bastard Angel messed up my paint job!"

"I am afraid I cannot provide adequate saturation with the current armaments." Rei opens her other eye, a normal white and red. "This weapon is a single shot, bolt action analogue miniaturized anti-Angel cannon, with a recycle time of 35.9 seconds and three shot limiter. The stream of AT-Field encased anti-matter will instantly vaporize anything it comes into contact with, and contact time lasts for 5 seconds exactly. It is not suited to curtain fire." She pauses for a moment, as if stuck on a loading screen. "If it is any consolation, I have the Angel's core in my sights, and have done so since I took this position." Rei's diction and meter is flat and unaffected; a Speak and Say with a PhD.

"Then why haven't you taken the shot?"

"If I had done so, you and/or pilot Ikari would suffer critical damage as the blast tore through your Evangelions. I do not wish to injure you."

"Bullshit, I know that freaky Angel-eye thing you can do makes it so your shots are perfect. You wouldn't miss, so get on with it already!" A lashing strike from the Angel's spindly foreleg is easily parried aside, then met with the blunt end of Asuka's spear.

"Pilot Shikinami," Rei says, with all the intensity of a man reading a grocery list, "when did I imply that the damage would be from a missed shot?"

"Oh. Ohhh. Well then, thanks for not shooting us, I guess," Asuka pauses for a beat, turning away from the screen. "Crazy bitch."

"I heard that, Pilot Shikinami."

"That's nice that Rei didn't shoot us and all, but I'm kind of being kicked in the superego here guys," Shinji chirps, clashing soul against soul with the Angel in an AT-Field duel.

Unit 01 pants and slavers, itching to get back at the mean old bully giving her darling Shinji such grief. It doesn't even have the common courtesy to drop its defenses so he can kill it easier. Angels these days, such impolite creatures.

"So could we wrap this up? My libido is starting to itch." The LCL gets hotter as his Sync Ratio rises, the bond between man and machine growing stronger. "I don't even know how that's possible."

"Alright, we'll make this quick so Shinji the Great can go back to weeping alone," Asuka chuckles, amused by her verbal thrust. She swings the controls around and Unit 02 knees the Angel's underbelly; propping it up against Shinji's AT-Field. The beast brings eyes to bear, only to get them pierced by more progressive knives. It howls in pain and disappointment as the blade vivisects it cleanly, putting its ruby core on brazen display. Asuka gives the Angel a kick in the general groinal region for shits and giggles, then dives for cover. Content with her destruction, she puts on her best authoritative voice.

"First Child Rei Ayanami, I order you to cut loose."

With those words, Ayanami spasms; both eyes turning jet black. A Cheshire grin cracks the serenity of her facial features as a low, sensuous moan bubbles from her throat. She pitches forward: eyes closed, body trembling in excitement, savoring a deep breath. On the exhale her eyes open, back to what constitutes normal for her. The smallest of smiles plays upon her lips as the Positron Rifle hums the song that ends the fight.

"Sir yes sir, my master!"

"Killer." Asuka gives a sideways glace to the image of Shinji on her viewscreen. "McDumbass, get down unless you want to die again."

Unit 01 scampers behind another building, extending her AT-Field as far as Evangelically possible away from the Angel and her Lilithian half-daughter with the very large gun. "Aw Asuka, you really do care," Shinji says with a smile somewhere between snarky and sincere.

"Fuck off, Stupid Shi-"

A swath of light quickly puts an end to the banter. And the existence of several buildings. And the top half of the Angel, core and all. The thing still manages to scream a trill of absolute terror before popping like a blood-filled balloon.

A twisted little giggle reverberates in the air around the trio. "Rei Ayanami 1: Adam: 0. Better luck next time."

Somewhere in Germany, a gray haired bisexual bishounen from for alliteration's sake we're going to say Belgium sneezes.

Somewhere in NERV headquarters, lovable drunk Misato Katsuragi will crack open a 40 of Asashi Super Dry, loudly proclaiming "That was tits!" before finishing the bottle in 35.9 seconds. She will then sloppily make out with one Makoto Hyuuga. It will be the happiest moment of his many lives.

Somewhere else in NERV headquarters, Ritsuko Akagi will burn through a pack of cigarettes while attempting to comprehend why she's not a hypersensate puddle of Tang right now. She will go through another half of a pack when she realizes that if Yui is still in Unit 01, that means Zeppelin is in Unit 02, probably egging Asuka on to be an even bigger bitch. It takes every ounce of willpower not to scream when she realizes Naoko is still in Unit 00, being piloted by a "person" of mass destruction that may or may not have completely subsumed the Second Angel.

Yet somewhere else in NERV headquarters, one Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki has been made 5000 Nuyen lighter, having been convinced that Asuka and not Rei would land the killing blow. He will have to deal with the pointed gloating of noted asshole Gendo Ikari for the rest of the day now. The man is insufferable when he's proud of something, and the waves of pure smarm that emanate from him is a grim portent of his pride towards the new scenario.

And in Rei Ayanami's lap, the music player turns from track 27 to 888.


	2. And I Want

There are many things that can be said about Gendo Ikari: monster, pedophile, bastard coated bastard with extra bastard filling and some bastard sauce on top, uberpimp. He could live with those titles as long as he succeeded in the end. Going from "mangy street punk" to "amoral monolithic Supreme Commander" was a surprisingly easy transition: the outfits got nicer and now he looked down on those who hated him instead of the inverse. He sighed, scratching at the palm that once contained Adam, the end of the beginning of the end. Tang is a surprisingly uncomfortable form of matter to inhabit, he now realizes. Back to flesh and blood, he does the first of two things he knows how to: plan. Fuyutsuki won't let him do the second thing anymore, after that one time in Neo-Kabukicho. It was his duty to ensure that the Children got along, for they were the key to his new scenario.

As he watched the honeycombed viewscreen in his office; Gendo Ikari mentally added "voyeur" to the list.

"The Ree are quiet this time of day I tell you what."

"You aren't using the right bait," says everybody's favorite tsundere, already a six-pack towards party time. A positively evil grin steals across her face. "Here, let's try this!" Years of training, endless cycles of defeating Angels, of striving for a perfection she could never reach culminated in this moment. She will not fail, cannot fail. The day shall be hers at last.

With hands so fast they practically blurred, she yanks down trademark black slacks and Ebichu-print boxers.

And there, before Kamina and everybody, Shinji Ikari learned a very uncomfortable new definition for the term "bait and tackle".

"Wh-wh-what the hell man?" he screams, reddened face three times more embarrassed than the average male real robot protagonist. Delicate hands and demurely crossed knees serve to cover his manhood.

"It worked, didn't it?" Asuka pouts, a blush playing across her cheeks as well. Red eyes and blue-gray hair poke intently out of the orange liquid. The sudden agitation of countless Ree rocks the hydrofoil of the would-be Lilim fishers. "Besides, you said I should be more playful."

"Asuka, molestation isn't playful, it's illegal." Shinji pulls up his pants, to the disappointment of the Ree. They groan and bob back under in perfect synchronicity. He plops down on the opposite side of the boat, and cracks open a canned coffee. "And since when do you care about being playful?"

Asuka grimaces, her notoriously short fuse already burnt out. "Well fine, I'll go back to being Asuka McBitchface then, seeing as you like it when beautiful women belittle you." She turns away with a humph, drawing her knees into her chest. Her fishing line shows some play, but she ignores it. She never liked fishing anyway. Boring and wasteful and stupid; no use to anybody except as means of providing food.

Just like she is.

Track 2: ...And I Want

As a means of relaxation and exercise of newfound self-awareness; Misato and Ritsuko spent a great deal of time watching the three Children in various activities. Their personalities were so rigid, so strong that no matter how many times they seemed to relive these moments nothing ever changed.

"Men and women are such irrational creatures," Ritsuko punctuates with a long, slow drag of her cigarette. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"Of course Ritzy. Life wouldn't be fun if we weren't." Misato kills a can of Kirin, then crushes it against her cranium.

"If men and women are irrational, then what does that make me Dr. Akagi?" Rei sits curled up beside them in a rolling chair, a bottle of orange beverage between her teeth.

"If I could figure that out, they'd probably give me the Nobel Prize." All three watch the attempted leisure activities of the Second and Third: go wide eyed at Shinji's bare bottom, facepalm in unison at the Hedgehog's Dilemma making itself painfully obvious again. Misato is the fist to break the unity, yelling at the monitors as if the two could hear her.

"Jesus Ecchi Christ, just fuck already!" She slams her hands down on the break room table like a petulant child. "God, it's so obvious that she just wants somebody to take initiative, strap her in and make her feel the Gs."

"Like you and Kaji, Misato?" Ritsuko and Rei chime in, earning a spittake from the blueberry haired bombshell. She turns her head around as if it were on a rickety gearshaft, face darkened. The tension in the room gets heavy, and Misato practically glows with a dark aura.

"What. Was. That?"

The fallen scientist and the Second Angel recoil in terror; Katsuragi can be a mean drunk, and when she gets mean the fury of Angels pales in comparison.

"That's what I thought bitches," she spits with a toss of her hair. "Now, what was that about being more playful?"

Ritsuko puts out a burnt-out smoke, popping out a fresh one within the same breath. She gives Rei a sideways glance, "Take it away Rei."

"With pleasure, Doctor." Her eyes go black as she reaches between worlds, tearing a hole into the Dirac with but a thought. She rummages around, tossing various bits of junk and offal into a separate hole behind her. After a few minutes, she hits paydirt: a large flat screen television and accompanying entertainment system. With a grunt and a clatter, she brings it out of the nothingness; an image already on the screen. It's the aftermath of the previous battle, the cooldown period. Eva Unit 02 stands proud in the blood of their fallen enemy; looking for all the world that she destroyed it singlehandedly.

"Score another one for the great Asuka Sohryu Langley!"

"But Asuka, Rei made the kill and I kept the thing down long enough for you to cut it open." Unit 01 grunts in agreement, content in letting her boy take credit for the neutralization. "All you did was hit it a few times and stab out some eyeballs."

"Those were important eyeballs, idiot!" Asuka bristles, "You wanted to get acid to the face?"

Shinji slumps, thinking back to the job the stuff did on Unit 02. "Not particularly, no, but you're the only one who took major structural damage. I got tossed around a bit, but the AT-Field cushioned a lot of the blow. Most of the plating on your right hand is just gone."

"Well yeah, but you didn't actually do anything. You were a goner until I made my glorious entrance into the fray."

"If you had not saw fit to make such a flashy entrance, I would have had a clear shot at the core 190 seconds earlier, Pilot Shikinami," Rei posits, sounding as true as the sky is blue.

"Shut up, the both of you! I am squad leader, and integral to the cohesion and proper function of this unit! I am infallible!"

"No, Pilot Shikinami, you're kind of a bitch."

That last epithet hits Asuka like a slap in the face. She punches the Rei-side of her viewscreen, so she doesn't have to look at that deadpan face. "Say that again, doll."

"Sir yes sir. You're kind of a bitch, sir." Rei adds, her flat inflection spiked with just a hint of sarcasm.

Shinji, never one to start a fight, steps in between the two units. Unit 01 puts up her AT-Field, just in case. Boy's always too trusting he is. "Now Asuka, she didn't mean that. Guys, just stay calm."

"I am calm, Pilot Ikari." Her dual black eyes and harlequin smile scream otherwise.

"Fuck you! This...this is insubordination! This is treason! I should have you taken out back and shot!"

"I would be replaced, and my replacement would think the same. They all would."

Twin shoulder pauldrons pop open, ready to deploy Progressive Knives to Unit 02. The great Asuka Sohryu Langley's bangs hang over her face, obscuring the murder in her eyes. She bites her lip so hard it bleeds; the taste of LCL.

"Third Child Shinji Ikari, do you agree with her?"

"Uh, I..."

"Did I stutter? Do you agree with Ayanami or not, Stupid Shinji? Respond." She grinds her teeth, every muscle in her body screaming for bloody satisfaction. "That's an order, Third Child."

"Well, you could stand to be more playful..."

They had to maximize the pressure in Unit 02's entry plug to keep Asuka from going aggro on her squadmates.

"Pilot Ikari, in an attempt to make amends, invited Pilot Sohryu to go fishing with him. Pilot Sohryu, in an act of petulance, decided to go fishing for my sisters. Which brings us to our current point in the narrative."

Ritsuko's eyebrows trend up as the lit cigarette in her mouth sags down. "You mean 'point in time', I hope."

"That is also acceptable," Rei replies, now sitting atop the television.

"Well she's just a regular ball of sunshine, now isn't she? Gets it from her mother, God I hated that woman."

"You are correct, Doctor, but not in the way you expect."

"Referring to her abandonment issues, I take it?"

Rei closes her eyes, images of red doors and hanged dolls flashing across her eyelids. She thinks of Unit 02's silence, her distance from a daughter that needed her and the connection that only brought further pain. In the hydrofoil, Asuka gasps as if she had been punched in the gut. She scrambles to the edge of the boat and dry heaves.

A bitter little smile comes to the First Child's lips. "Whoops. For simplicity's sake, let's just say you're correct Dr. Akagi."

Misato takes another drink. "I like you and all Rei, but you seem to get creepier as we go."

"Is that so? I feel as if I get more human as the cycles continue. I feel more, experience more." She kicks her legs off the side of the TV, one black eye taking in her compatriots. "Humans are such irrational creatures, after all."


	3. SCHOOL GIRL EVANGELION ADDICT

Trains.

What is it with introspective soul-searching being done on trains? To be more specific, the exact same train. It's not even a particularly nice train; apparently the caretakers of the theater of the mind can't splurge for a Shinkansen trip. The backdrop could be in any stretch of blandly idyllic countryside, and the train doesn't seem to actually go anywhere. Kind of like the symbolism, or the crippling emotional trauma.

Especially the crippling emotional trauma.

"Wake up Ms. Shikinami, time for your medication."

Asuka Sohryu-[REDACTED] has rode this train before. Several times actually. Each time, she was a figment, a puppet used for that idiot Shinji to work out his own problems. A job in which he managed to cock up spectacularly pretty much every time, she might add. She sighs; the indignation, the taunting, every little bit of dialogue having become rote by now. God, when will it end? When will he just give up and let her die alone, like she deserves? When will they fix the lighting on the other side of the train? Wait, something's off here. Isn't she usually on the left side? And for that matter, when did Shinji get such huge tits?

"Where's Stupid Shinji?"

"Not here, although if you wish real hard, maybe he'll come." The setting sun glints off of half-lenses in chic red frames.

"Who the hell are you?" she says, twisting her face in a confrontational sneer. Asuka's travel companion rises out of her seat and into the light; looking for all the world like she stepped out of a Catholic schoolgirl fetish shoot. Baby blue eyes burn out from between strands of thick brown hair. The girl flashes a toothy smile, her pose the picture of confidence.

"I'm Mari Makinari Motherfucking Illustrious."

Track 3: SCHOOL GIRL EVANGELION ADDICT

A long moment passes, Asuka struck dumb by the sudden appearance of some girl she's never heard before in her subconscious. And then she starts laughing. She laughs so hard it makes her sides hurt, makes her fall over kicking and rolling. She laughs so hard she falls off her seat and under the strange girl's scandalously short skirt. Mari just looks at her, mildly put off. This was not how she was supposed to react.

"Came on too strong, huh?"

Asuka snorts, laughter fading into deep guffaws. She wipes a tear from her eye and looks at Mari like she's got a giant L drawn on her forehead. "Yeah, let's go with that Funbags." With trained elegance, she kips up to a standing position in front of her. She's shorter by a hair or two, so she pops up on the balls of her feet.

"Funbags?" Mari queries. "Oh, you mean these bad boys." She takes a firm grasp of her large tracts of land, posturing for maximum suggestiveness. "Thermal expansion at it's finest, eh 'suka?"

"Put those away you skank, and get the hell out of my head!" The whisper of a lacy black bra draws Asuka's attention far more than she's comfortable with; she goes eye to eye with Mari to compensate. Just because she was close with Horaki those few times doesn't mean she swings that way dammit!

Stupid sexy cow-tits.

"Aw, you're just mad that someone's obviously better than you at something," Mari says with a playful smirk. Asuka returns it with a hardened glare. "Oh balls, you've got that inferiority complex thing."

The edge on Asuka's voice could slice through AT-Fields. "What inferiority complex thing?"

"You know what I mean," Mari says with a bored face, marking points with outstretched fingers. "The psychological reason for your entire persona. The obsession with perfection and being special, the attention whoring, the lashing out at everybody not named Kaji." She invades Asuka's personal space, rapping her on the head with a finger. "You use this," she jabs a finger into her chest, "to beat the shit out of that." Mari doesn't get the finger back, as Asuka puts it in a deathgrip.

"Listen here you stupid whore. You don't know me. You don't know my problems. If you ever try to lecture me again, I'll make it so you don't remember your own fucking name when I'm done with you." She spits in Mari's face for emphasis. "If the doctors can put you back together."

"That's cute and all, but can I have my finger back now?" Classic bullying tactic; such cheap intimidation. Mari smiles and Asuka jerks, breaking her finger clean. Huh, she actually did it. Mari's smile turns into a grimace, then into a bestial grin. "I'm going to enjoy this"

"Pilot Illustrious, time to wake up."

Blood? No, LCL. That's the smell. She's in the entry plug of Provisional Unit 05, in a heavily padded green and gray plugsuit. There's a helmet awkwardly fitted to her head, messing up her expertly-done hair. Alerts are sounding, klaxons are blaring, and chaos reigns. A fitting alarm clock. Techies give her the skinny: stop some unnamed sample from escaping the laboratory, Provisional Unit 05 is still unfinished, try not to cause too much property damage this time. All of it is background noise, radio chatter. There's only one thing she wants to hear: given permission to act with extreme prejudice. She'd do so anyway, of course. It's just nice to have an excuse when half the area has been destroyed and the bogey is on fire for no good reason. As 05 cruises to the projected engagement point, she finds herself smiling more and more; a tingling in her belly spreading fast. She takes a deep breath of LCL and savors it.

It smells like victory.

Reinforced blast doors live up to their name by getting blasted clean off of their hinges. Provisional Unit 05 swerves between them; tripod treads rolling like an incensed office chair. Smoke and fire roll through the corridor, obscuring vision; a flick of a switch turns everything psychedelic with heat signatures. A figure accurately described as a millipede on steroids scampers up the sides, yearning for freedom. It gets a lance to one of its many midsections as a consolation prize.

"Welcome to Acheron! I'm Mari and I'll be serving you your ass today." The figure rears back, protesting with the sound of one thousand typewriters. "I recommend the house special: Core flambe with a side of Angel Chitterlings." With a whoop and a holler, Mari Makinari Illustrious swings her left arm forward; Unit 05 responding in kind. A three-pronged hand reaches out towards another Angel bit, but the element of surprise is lost and the unknown Angel defends itself. It tries to make a break for it, but the lance has it pinned to the wall; the incredible healing factor the Fruit of Life provides working against it. The typewriter sound starts up again as it forces its soul into a guillotine upon itself. Both halves scramble in opposite directions; it can become whole later.

"Oh come on, don't be such a pussy!" Mari barks, "It's no fun if you tear yourself to pieces first." The lance rockets out and harpoons a half in mid jump. Unit 05 rolls to chase the fleeing piece, leaving the stuck one to kiss the ground at 90 miles an hour. Bits and pieces of chitin and blood streak the interior of the compound with brutal graffiti. Shoulder pauldrons fold out and over into new limbs; eager to get their hands on Mari's new "friend". The Angel, to its credit, evades artfully, dodging thrust after thrust until finally, it finds salvation.

"The Angel has penetrated the final gate of Coctyx! It's moving through the freight shaft now!"

"We cannot allow it to escape Acheron!"

"Is Provisional Unit 05 using the other half of the Angel as a grappling hook?"

The gathered scientists of NERV-Berlin's Acheron division turn to the security monitors, where sure enough, Unit 05 has secured the rapidly-reforming remains of the Angel to the outer rim of the elevator. The tripodal production unit races up the sheer shaft, its own AT-Field helping the process. The unknown Angel makes it out first, tearing chunks of itself off to increase its speed. Its missing pieces metamorphose into miniature monsters which impact against Unit 05's field. The resistance only makes Mari's killboner harder, as she forces more will into the AT-Field's projection behind her. The added force shoots Unit 05 out of the shaft like a cannon, turning the mini-Angels into bugs on a windshield. Three cold metal hands grasp onto the Angel's legs; one last burst of physics-defying soul power inverts it with Unit 05. Tripod prong to the back, three arms bending its back at an odd angle, and a barbaric Lilim upon it; the Angel plummets back down to Earth, chittering all the way.

The impact shakes the entire compound, causes petal-like metal protrusions on the roof to wilt and fall. Provisional Unit 05 stands tall amongst the wreckage, a demon looking for its next meal. Mari slouches in her seat, a far off look on her face. She's blushing and panting, her visor fogging up with condensation.

"Was it good for you too, Kaji?"

Noted playboy and manslut of the post-Impact world of espionage, Ryoji Kaji was not present to respond. If he was, he would probably muse on how his rakish good looks and boyish charms seemed not to understand the age of consent. At this moment, he is en route to Tokyo-3 to see a man about the progenitor of mankind, which happens to be in a slick black suitcase in his lap. He needed the case, and he needed an out. His unique talents provided him with the former and Mari's...unique talents provided the latter. Those poor bastards at Acheron had no idea what they had gotten into.

"I hate using children to settle the affairs of adults."

The poor bastard Child of Adam had no idea what it had gotten into. The Lilim had been poking and prodding it with sharp objects from when it had not yet quickened. Not chosen for the grand crusade by Father, it was merely content to lay dormant until it was needed. But then those damned Lilim just had to go digging around where they didn't belong. It didn't even want to fight; it was an Angel of rest, of respite. Even now, it fled not to complete itself, but to return to its slumber. A chilling thought dawned on the Angel, causing it to shudder for reasons besides the massive damage it had taken. If this slave of Lilim has its way, this unnamed, unimportant member of the Chatot HaKodesh would sleep eternally.

"The Angel's AT-Field is in flux! Phase density increasing rapidly!" Faceless techies give faceless military men itchy trigger fingers. All this technobabble makes a man just want to squeeze off a few nuclear or non-nuclear missiles and be done with it. Damned treaties, damned giant robots, damned AT-Fields, damned bugs. The military brass give each other knowing looks and shrug at their impotence. An expository techie snaps them out of their reverie, "It-it's on the attack!"

It didn't want to die. Not here, not now, not for nothing. It had no quarrel with the Lilim, thought they would wipe themselves out soon enough if left to their own devices. Times like this gave it ample reason to believe so. Only Lilim would create something like its tormentor: of Lilith, but not of Lilith's Children; in the shape of Adam's Children, but not of Adam. Built for war, fueled by sorrow, directed by madness. By God it would not be laid low by this disease. The song in its soul reaches a booming fortissimo, slamming into the slave of the Night Demon, forcing it back. Clicking limbs provide percussion as the choir sings resistance. Again and again, it strikes at the Lilim; again and again it pushes onwards. It will not die, it will not falter, it will not-

"Is that it? You'll never please a woman with those weak-willed thrusts." Mari giggles, a trickle of blood running from her hairline. Provisional Unit 05's mouth restraints creak open, bubbling groans imitating mocking laughter. The Angel's finally shown some fight, which is good. It still is gonna die though, which sucks for it but is cool for Mari. The thing pins Unit 05 to a steel composite petal; the unit's extra arms nailed in crucifixion. It brings itself face to face with the Eva, chitinous plate gleaming, mouth tendrils undulating. Unit 05 headbutts it in the mouth and it clicks in pain. The Angel squeals and responds in kind, ramming face to face against it. It grips the pinned arms for leverage, ripping and tearing at the exposed neck of 05 with its tendrils, lower limbs smashing and thrusting at any point it can find. It's gone mad now, backed into a corner with flight rendered useless. All the while, Mari Makinari Illustrious is having the time of her life.

"Ooh, you're not half bad at this," she purrs. "Just let me slip into something more comfortable and I'll show you something amazing." She worries at her own plugsuit, tearing off the command wires for her extra limbs with her teeth. The dummy arms pop off at the shoulders and Unit 05 slides underneath the Angel. The point of severance between halves still hasn't closed up fully, giving access to the Angel's core. Mari's eyes light up at the many levels her next action is about to work. Lance at the ready, Angel flatfooted, Unit 05 thrusts with all its might into the depths of the enemy's innards. The Eva's jaw cracks open into a roar, matching time with its Child as it pulls out the core. Sinew and gristle snap and ooze purple-red ichor onto the lance, coating it sickly slick. Angel, Eva, and Child all howl as the core comes free, worked loose with a pronged hand. Mari looks out at her ruby prize, eyes wide with feral glee. Slowly, agonizingly it cracks, shooting fireworks all along her arm. She takes another lungful of LCL, the sheer sensation of it all turning her voice husky with need.

"Hikari ni nare."

The core shatters and the wild chittering ceases, drowned out by the roar of an explosion that takes out the entire observatory deck. Two neon crosses illuminate the night sky, visible for miles around. In a helicopter over [REDACTED], Kaji cradles his head in his hands. Subtlety is the name of his profession, and that was about as subtle as a Bad Religion logo. He never enjoys watching people get hurt, especially women. It tugs at long-suffering heartstrings he could never quite sever. He curses at himself, the only thing he can seem to do right with women is get into their pants. Clearing his mind of such sentimental thoughts, Ryoji Kaji closes his eyes to sleep.

Somewhere in the [REDACTED] Sea, Mari Makinari Illustrious opens her eyes. The sky is blurred pastel, an animation stopgap from a broke studio. She palms around for her glasses, not realizing that they're on her face. With a slurred movement she adjusts them and the world snaps back into high definition. She had triggered the self-destruct sequence on Unit 05, more for dramatic effect than anything really. The Entry Plug conveniently doubles as a flotation device and LCL is surprisingly filling. The sea's a little choppy, but beggars can't be choosers. She looks wistfully to the horizon, a sad smile on her face.

"Sorry about that Go-kun, your sacrifice will not be in vain. I'll dedicate every kill to you from now on, that sound good?" She nods affirmative, "Of course it does." She didn't have anything against Acheron or Unit 05, she just didn't see how she could have fun there anymore. Tokyo-3, that was the big time. All the Angels seem to go there for some reason, something about black moons and the Kabbalah or some other new-age bullshit. Doesn't really matter why though, as long as they keep coming. Gotta sate her bloodlust somehow.

"I hate using adults to settle the affairs of children."


	4. Trip Dancer

The Beijing-2 branch of NERV was tired of being ignored. The Tokyo-3 branch got all of the attention, the glory of being humanity's defenders. They got to breach the topic of breaking the Vatican Treaty, something that the Old Men would never allow Beijing-2 to do. Vegas-3 was making amazing progress on the S2 Engine, mass production models were ready to be rolled out within the month. They didn't even get an Evangelion unit to play with; despite the advancements they had made in weaponry. All their work, all their effort went into giving the more important branches spare parts; a cheap sweatshop for the Super Robot set. Even post-Third Impact they were given the most menial clean-up jobs. The combined LCL of the whole of humanity leaves terrible stains on everything. Their lot in life was the lowest, but for no longer.

They had an ace in the hole.

Bootstrapped machines spring to life, humming A Capella chorus. A room packed with technological junk washes itself in a computer blue glow. Figures and symbols dance across screens, five minutes until showtime. All eyes turn to the middle of the room, to a cylindrical tube. Orange liquid glows with the warmth of evolution, a pale nude girl curled up peacefully in the center. Long hair spreads behind her like the wings of angels. Tokyo-3 is not the only one with an artificial girl. In fact, this is Tokyo-3's artificial girl, but more. DNA taken from their pet Angel after full apotheosis, core taken from one of SEELE's mass produced harpies. Grafts from the Tower of Babel, made from the Armisael fight. Blood made from blue-phase and orange-phase lifeforms; enough power to level cities. She is the ultimate fusion of man and Angel, far above the Old Man's pet prettyboy, above that bastard Ikari's doll. This is it, this is the fruit of Beijing's labor. Man creating Nuwa instead of Nuwa creating man; creating a god in their own name. They will be respected.

"...Am I...Alive?"

They will not be ignored.

"...I am...I am..."

They have finally outdone Tokyo-3.

"I'm late for school!"

The nude girl turns to the scientists, opens her eyes for the first time. Red irises hold flowering pupils and a stray hair sticks out atop her head. Her placid face breaks into a broad smile, showing too many teeth. A sickeningly sweet voice reverberates through the room, striking the fear of playing God into all involved.

"Heee~ey."

They have failed, completely and utterly.

All the scientists can do is watch in numb horror as their masterpiece begins to bash its head against the containment chamber. Once, twice, three times, shattering the quadruple reinforced glass like half-melted ice. The subject's strange blood reacts with her blue hair; turning her bangs a shocking pink. She punches through the tank, whipping her head hither and yon. Everything is so bright and colorful and happy; seen through the eyes of a newborn child on LSD. Beijing-2's new god clambers out on all fours, sniffing like a dog surrounded by juicy steak. Defense systems whir to life, Bakelite spraying everywhere. It rolls off of a full-formed AT-Field like soap suds off of a new car. With a cheerful goodbye, the hopes and dreams of Beijing-2 crashes straight through 77 layers of the aboveground compound. The Liao Dynasty Plan had worked too well. Their Rei Ayanami has brought far more power to bear with far less constraint. A great big middle finger to Tokyo-3, and it has been let loose on the world seconds after birth. God's left her Heaven, all's wrong with the world.

Running across the Pacific Ocean on AT-Field enhanced feet, the Chinese knockoff Ayanami knows only two things: her name is Liao Rei for some reason, and she is just dying to get to Tokyo-3.

"Ayanami onee-chan, I'm coming!"

Track 4: Trip Dancer

Rei Ayanami had come to enjoy onsen. It reminded her of her time in the vats, the closest thing to a womb she knew before becoming humanity's collective one. The crisp air and warm water played their wonderful juxtaposition on her pores, making her happy in a way she never would have known before. Not that anybody looking at her would realize this, seeing as her face was as flat and unaffected as a porcelain figurine. Captain Katsuragi had decided to take her and Asuka on a "Girls Day Out" while Shinji reacquainted himself with his classmates. The antagonism between the red and blue haired otaku idols had not subsided in the new cycle; if anything it seemed Asuka had gotten more violently unhinged. The wounds of her personal demons must not have healed properly, just being must scrape at them painfully. To be fair, Rei probably shouldn't have called her a bitch the first time they sortied again.

"Hey Rei, I've got some quality hot sake for the three of us!" Misato tromps forth with Gainax's focus at the forefront. Her bath towel is sloppily applied and inches away from turning a hard R into an NC-17. A large pitcher of sake sloshes on a silver platter, three cups clattering around it. Misato snatches the pitcher and swigs in one smooth motion, placing the platter down with a crash. "What," she says, with a guilty look on her face, "I bought it, so I get first dibs." Ayanami sinks lower in the water, hiding her laughter. Appearances are important, after all.

"Hey, look at me!" In the interim, Asuka had somehow climbed atop the divider between the male and female halves of the onsen; her bare ass boasting braggadocio. "Look at me look at me look at me!" She clears her throat, another attention catching stratagem. Confident that enough people are looking at her, she projects like a barker of old. "Hurry, hurry, hurry, step right up and watch the death defying dive of the great Asuka Sohryu Langley!" She gestures out to the crowd gathered around her. "Gasp with fear for my life! Tremble with excitement as I dance on the razor's very edge! Worship as I spit in the eye of your petty mortal trepidations!" Misato being Misato, cheers her on with a "You go girl" and a fist in the air. Ayanami, however, is more interested in whether or not this is merely Asuka being an attention whore or an incredibly brassy suicide attempt. Either way, it is a great screaming cry for help. Too bad nobody's listening.

Something strikes her breathless, shifting red eyes to black. A single hair becomes erect atop her head and she exhales. With mild...worry, perhaps, she turns to Misato.

"Captain Katsuragi, we have a problem."

And that's when the dividing wall exploded.

"Awwwww~ You didn't even get to see my adventures in Tokyo-3 yet!"

"The barrier between reader and text is not to be trifled with, She Who Is Not Me. Besides, we were getting to that."

"Sorry. But let's roll that clip of me being totally superawesometastic now okay? Yay narrative!"

It was good to be out and about, Shinji thought as he traipsed through Tokyo-3 with his classmates. Kensuke was going on about some anime he had watched, something about tits and zombies and the creator of Hellsing being his personal Jesus. The kid could make the most pointless, blathering minutiae of nerdy topics sound like great gospel. He also was good with a camera and loose with his morals, which paid off in spades for Shinji's...alone time. To his right, Suzuhara was getting his masculinity stomped on by Class Rep Horaki; a one sided verbal sparring session that made Shinji feel better about his relationship with Asuka. I mean, she was much more violent, but predictable. She calls you an idiot, maybe makes a dick joke or questions his sexual tastes, hit the right button and she goes into kill mode. He had learned to dance around the bleeding mental issues, the memory of several cycles with his hands around her throat didn't hurt either. Horaki though, she was a genius at making Touji look like even more of a meathead than he already was. She'd string him along, make him feel smart, then hit him right in the breadbasket with a devastating blow. It was oddly beautiful, seeing her sweetly vivisect his ego like that.

"Hello, Earth to Shinji, come in Shinji!"

"Bwuh, what is it Kensuke?"

The nerdly Jean expy shifts his glasses up his nose, always with the middle finger for some reason. "Do you see that cloud of dust rapidly gaining on us?"

Shinji squints, hand shielding the sun from his eyes. "Yeah, and?"

"You notice the rainbow pattern at the head of it?"

"Yeah...oh," he gulps, eyes wide. "Oh hell-"

And that's when he gets hit with an Intercontinental Breast Missile: codenamed Liao Rei.

"-ello Tokyo-3! Are you adequately prepared to rock?" The strange girl skids to a halt, digging deep grooves in the street. "And stuff?"

It's all Shinji can do to pull himself out from inside the girl's chest cavity. With a tug and a wet pop, he works himself free, face soaked with LCL. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Rei! Well, not your Ayanami Rei, or the Rei that could be called Ree, or even that one Rei that was voiced by Megumi Hayashibara. I'm a Rei, Liao Rei to be exact. Pleased as punch to meet you!" She shakes Shinji's hand so hard his shoulder dislocates. "Oh noz! Sorrysorrysorry I forgot other people sort of pop and stuff on the inside." With a thunderous clap on the shoulder the joint finds its socket and Shinji finds himself in a nearby fruit stand. The Rei that isn't squeaks, putting her hands in front of her face. "I'll be good now."

The three school kids look at Liao, then to Shinji, then to each other. Then they start laughing.

"Wow Ikari, you sure can pick 'em," Toji cackles, eager to rub salt in someone else's wounds for once. "A robot, a bitch, and now Supergirl. You're like the worst harem protagonist ever man."

Kensuke looks at his sporty second, nodding assent. "Toji's right man: your Kuudere's a tundra, your Tsundere has no dere and a double order of burning contempt, and now your Genki Girl damn near killed you." He stifles a giggle, "Sometimes I feel bad about not having a harem, but then I think of you and feel so much better about myself."

Shinji stumbles out of the rubble, various fruity bits stuck to him. He brushes off what he can, which isn't nearly enough. "Gee, thanks. You guys are such great friends," he says darkly.

Hikari helps him dust off and readjust, determined as if this was an Olympic sport. "There there Shinji, they only tease you because they care." She tries to hide a catlike grin and fails. "Although, you do have terrible luck with girls. Maybe you should try batting for the other team?"

"I said it to my father, I said it to Tabris, and I'll say it to you; I'm. Not. Gay."

"Don't knock it 'til you try it Shinj," Toji and Kensuke jibe in unison. "You did look good in Sohryu's plugsuit, you could be one of those Vietnamese ladyboys."

"Or like Pico."

"How the hell do you know about Boku no Pico Class Rep?"

"My older sister is a...strange sort of woman," Hikari says, slumping in familial embarrassment.

Meanwhile, Liao Rei was getting bored. She had something she was supposed to do, but she didn't remember what it was. So she started messing with the shiny window she could make. It was so cool, how it refracted the light and bent like taffy. She pushed at it and it came back. She pushed at it again and it came back again. She pushed harder and took out a department store. The sound of car alarms and grinding metal brings the rap session to a close and all eyes on Liao. At least they were paying attention to her now.

"Dear sweet Kamina, what the hell did she just do!" Kensuke must be terrified, the other three thought; he never uses the Lord's name in vain.

"From the looks of it, she just projected an AT-Field, then pushed it out. Which probably means-"

"Explosion in Section 12! AT-Field activity detected!" Makoto Hyuuga pitched forward, eyeglasses almost sliding off his face. "Blood pattern: Blue! No, Orange! It's fluctuating wildly!"

A dogend falls from the agape mouth of Ritsuko Akagi. "Oh Christ, it's Armisael again isn't it? Where are the Children?"

"First and Second Child are in Sendai with Captain Katsuragi," Shigeru Aoba recites in a bored drawl. An Angel was coming, whoopty-doo. The next line of data catches his eye and a derisive snerk.

"And the Third?"

"Um, senpai, you're not going to believe this, but he's with the target." Maya Ibuki shuffles out of the way, so her beloved Ritsuko could have a wide berth. "And it doesn't look like Armisael."

As she looks at the screen, noted scientific mind, overseer of the MAGI system, and generally logical human being Ritsuko feels a little bit of her sanity die screaming. She fumbles for a cigarette, which Maya courteously lights for her. "Oh no. No, no, no-"

"Nono-esque, don't you think?" Kensuke's astute observation falls on deaf ears as they duck into a coffee shop. "I mean, she's got that little ahoge," he gives Liao's hair a flick, which draws a contented giggle from the knockoff. "She's retardedly powerful, not the sharpest tool in the shed, and is pretty fit naked." That last line draws several stares of shocked recognition: all the excitement and nobody seemed to notice the new girl wasn't wearing anything. Seeing as how she's currently sitting on Shinji's lap, this hits him the hardest. Not as hard as he hits the floor from falling out of his chair, but pretty hard.

"Toji, give the poor girl your coat," Horaki barks, shifting into Class Rep mode. Without missing a beat, she hikes up her skirt and tosses the indecent girl her unmentionables. "Put these on, it's the best we can do at the moment." Liao squeals in delight; she's never worn panties before. And schoolgirl panties no less. If the video feeds that replaced her formative years had anything to say about panties, it was that Japanese Schoolgirl Panties were akin to the Holy Grail. Liao Rei snaps into a salute, sports jacket hanging down to her hips.

"This is truly a great honor and junk!" She bows as deep as she can, giving Kensuke a faceful of something he's never seen outside of a computer screen. He spends the rest of the conversation in a pool of his own blood, the sheer ecchi levels knocking him clean out. "I will cherish these for all times!"

That made nothing resembling sense. But to Hikari Horaki, very little her friends do makes sense. When in doubt, be courteous. She gives a little bow to Liao, "That's nice." A sideways glance to Toji and Shinji tell them all they need to know about who's in charge here. "Suzuhara, grab your perverted friend. Shinji, call NERV and tell them not to shoot at the AT-Field this time. We're heading to Katsuragi's."

Back at NERV, Supreme Commander Gendo Ikari was smiling. Not because this fell exactly into his scenario; he was good, not omniscient. He merely found the concept of an Angel not only taking the form of an attractive girl, but doing so to neutralize his son patently absurd. If it weren't for the cameras he had personally seen to have installed throughout the base, he would have been convinced his son was asexual. At best. If the Angels had truly learned from their mistakes, they would have sent an effeminate boy after Shinji.

"Supreme Commander, you have a phone call."

"It better be Katsuragi begging for her life, Fuyutsuki."

"Sorry to disappoint you then," the old man says with a wistful manner, "it's your son."

"Talk to me Third Child."

Shinji grimaces a little, "Nice speaking to you too father. Listen, we have a situation here."

"I know, you have the 16th Angel in your midst. Return to NERV base so we can terminate it."

"No father, this isn't Armisael; that one was the ring of light. The only one that took human form was Kaworu, remember?"

"You do not recall the cycle where every Angel took the form of a human girl then?" The gagging sound on the other end made the elder Ikari smile. Still so easy to embarrass. Have to work that out of him later on in the scenario. Perhaps skinny dipping with the Ree...

"That was pretty fucked up father, even for you." He still has confusingly erotic nightmares of that one. "No, she introduced herself as like Ayanami, they share the same first name. Liao Rei, I think her full name was."

"Is that so? You will escort her to Captain Katsuragi's apartment then, until we can get a hold of her and the First." Though he could not see it, Shinji could imagine his father's glasses reflecting light in that really creepy way they did. He was bang on. "We shall proceed from there. Dismissed, Third Child."

The call cuts off, Shinji shoving his military spec cell phone in his pocket. "Love you too, dad." He turns to Hikari and nods. She grins a sporty little grin and proceeds to hotwire a nearby car. The streets are clear after Liao's little incident, so nobody stops them. All of the kids pile in, Hikari at the wheel and Shinji riding shotgun. Liao's under the seat, for safety's sake. With a throaty roar, the econobox putters onwards to destiny.

"Hey Hikari, how'd you know we should go to Misato's?"

Because the safest place to deal with a non-hostile freaky Angel thing is at the person who has clearance enough to know what to do, but who just manages to still be expendable. "Oh, woman's intuition I guess." The drive is uneventful, Liao apparently having tuckered herself out somehow. They get close to Misato's apartment, but then Liao's antenna like hair vibrates with a twang. She bursts out of the back door with a mighty shout of Ayanami onee-chan, gone in an instant.

It was an uneventful drive.

"Hey Wondergirl, how the hell did we become the C Plot?"

"Because original characters take more time to develop."

"Bah, if we wanted original characters, we wouldn't be in fanfiction now would we?"

"You have a point, Pilot Shikinami."

"You're just calling me that to piss me off now."

The dividing wall exploded, and Asuka Langley-[REDACTED] came tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down. She wasn't sure if she wanted to die here, but it did cross her mind. Maybe if she beat Wondergirl to it, she wouldn't have to go through the cycle again. Or at least, she wouldn't have to get choked out by Shinji...again. The blessed impact comes and then, release.

I said release, she thought. Release. Release!

"RELEASE GOD DAMMIT! I WANT TO DIE PROPERLY!" She pounds her fists on the too-soft ground, sending ripples of color from underneath her. Her brain catches up to what she just said, and it makes her turn redder than Unit 02. "I swear to God Wondergirl; if you did that just to make me scream I will find Dr. Akagi, make her tell me what the kill switch is, and force you to watch me destroy each and every one of your stupid doll bodies." Rei just looks at her with that damned expressionless face. Wait, did she just smirk? That little-

"Ayanami onee-chan~!" AT-Fields clash rainbow soap bubbles as Rei Classic fends off her newer model. The new one starts slipping through, arms splayed out in prime hug position. Ayanami forces as much of her power as she can bother to bear, but the girl is already clear. The force of Liao Rei's huggle/glomp/misdemeanor sexual assault is enough to shake mountains. "I'm so happy to meet you, I mean me, I mean us, I mean flurgen." As the two cuddle, Misato Katsuragi stares down her cell phone; stuffed to the gills with new messages. She downs the now cold pitcher of sake, then crashes it over her head.

"I am so fucked."


	5. 21st Century Digital Girl

"We can rebuild her. We have the technology. We can make her stronger, faster, more moe than ever before."

Strange men in gas masks and white suits float in and out of her vision; spirits perhaps? She can't move, feels at once leaden and light as a feather. Like that game she played at slumber parties with Ouija boards and makeovers. Somewhere in her mind clicks, she is getting a makeover. Dull electricity runs across her limbs, phantom pains being soothed by drilling numbness. She's becoming whole again, but was she ever in parts?

"The accident ruined her. We basically had to scrape her off the concrete to get her here. Of course her loving parents would do anything to get their little girl back."

Right. The accident. She saw a little boy playing with a soccer ball a little too close to the street. He lost control of it, and the driver lost control of his bus. She managed to save the boy, push him out of the way. And then, nothing. She felt nothing but her own heartbeat, running away from her. Her parents. They must be so worried about her. Their darling little girl, their angel. Where were they? Where was she? The girl tries to move, but cannot. She is a body out of body. The effort of staying awake is too hard, she thought, better to go back to sleep.

"Subject is going into cardiac arrest!"

Words. White text on black backgrounds. A jumble of terms and feelings, run through double quick. Fear, fear, fear of death, fear of life, fear of something. Death, is she dead, will she die, she doesn't want to die but who does? Who, who are these men, who is she, where is she, why can't she move, why can't she feel, why am I using so many damned commas, why, why, why? Images flash, red and painful. Someone's run out of animation budget again. One image persists; a man and a woman, middle aged and nondescript. Mother and father. Their backs are turned. She wants to cry out, to scream, to run to them. She can't. She is a spectator in her own mind. The image changes, to a boy. Slight, effeminate, white shirt in black slacks. His face is blank, save for a red stamp. He turns, revealing his full face. Two kanji take up the center.

"I...kar...i"

"Subject is waking up, put her back under!"

"We can't, the anesthetic interferes with the binding process, we'll tear her apart!"

The girl opens her eyes, bleary and unfocused. There are men surrounding her, speaking to her as if she were underwater. She can't feel her legs. She looks down, the slightest movement a Herculean task. There's nothing there. There's a horrible fleshy mass of gristle, bone, and metal below her pelvis to be exact. She watches it bubble and stretch into stubby vestigial legs. It's got to be a dream. It must be a dream. Streams of pitchlike blood run down her cheeks as her eyes cross outwards. She sees herself, but not herself in the reflection of the surgeon's mirror. Strapped to the bed like a crucified man, her right arm stripped to the grim titanium bone. Wicked looking weapons run along her arm while the flesh that isn't hers crawls along like kudzu. Her chest is split open, organs pulsing and throbbing around a dimly glowing sphere. She's missing an eye; there's a pool of red where her left eye should be. Ichor is running down her cheeks, staining the sheets, blood everywhere. She has to be dead. This must be hell. She can hear outside, better than she ever could before.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kirishima, I'm afraid your daughter didn't make it. I'm sorry."

Underneath the sterile hospital lights, Mana Kirishima screamed.

Track 5: 21st Century Digital Girl

Darkness. Darkness took Mana. She saw herself, and in herself, saw absolute horror. Not truly dead, yet not really alive, she was trapped; her unfinished form a holding cell for her rapidly unfurling mind. Curled up in a ball on a metal folding chair she sat, clutching a ragged stump with her complete hand. She wept and wept, and her wounds wept with her. A spotlight is upon her, washing her with a bluish glow.

"You are Mana Kirishima, correct?" When did that blue-haired girl get here? And why is she covered in bandages? "I am here to tell you that things will turn out alright."

Mana lets out a strangled cry that spirals into a wet cough. "How is this going to turn out alright? I'm missing three limbs, covered in tumors, and my parents think I'm dead." She pulls in tighter, "But sure, everything's going to turn out just peachy. If I'm lucky, you're a delirious hallucination brought on by my organs shutting down."

The blue-haired girl smiles a fey little thing. "You still have some fight in you, I see. That proves to me that you will endure. Do so, Mana Kirishima, my child, and grow stronger than ever before." She curtsies and spins away on one heel. "We'll meet again." With that, she blinks out, taking the light with her. Blanketed by darkness, warmed by the presence of a mother she does not know, Mana Kirishima sleeps soundly.

"Geez Lilith, you've got a Messiah Complex a mile wide nowadays," a sandy gray haired memetic sex god quips. He runs a hand through perfectly coiffed locks, drawing sparkles.

"And you've gained the ability to sparkle in sunlight, Tabris," the fetish object from the Uncanny Valley retorts. "Are you looking to become a Cullen?" The gray haired male slouches, wounded. Red eyes glint fiercely.

"Low blow, and I thought I told you to call me Adam from now on."

"I will refer to you as Adam when you refer to me as Ayanami," Rei grins, "Or when you admit that I'm better than you, Nagisa."

"Hey, I'm just as popular with smelly fangirls as you are with smelly fanboys," the Angel currently known as Kaworu whines, circling to defend his ego. "I was only in one episode too, you had the entire season to win over the RealDoll contingent." It's Rei's turn to retract, ego wounded to the quick.

"I have no time for these silly jibes. I have a sister to attend to." She turns away briskly and walks through a door placed in the nothing, cheeks puffed out in indignation.

"Wait a minute, that doesn't happen for another-"

Six Months Later:

This was bad. This was really, really bad. Misato Katsuragi doesn't know how to take care of kids; it's a minor miracle Shinji and Asuka hadn't killed themselves yet. Actually, last time they kind of did: having ghostly versions of the two haunt her dreams wasn't pleasant at all. Although, she might have been really drunk that time; every cycle starts to run together like a fucked-in-half night after a while. This, though, Misato was far too sober for.

"Okay, walk me through this again Rei," she says with a sigh, snatching a half-eaten glass bottle out of the pink and blue Ayanami clone's mouth. "I don't even care which one anymore."

"Well, thousands of years ago before Sigourney Weaver, a couple of lonely Beijing-2 scientists found an intergalactic federation agent. One of them got killed, but was brought back to life inside said agent. That agent is me, Liao Rei the Mighty!" The aforementioned Liao jumps up on the tiny dining room table with a flourish, smashing her head through the ceiling. Bright red eyes interrupt a man in classical Japanese dress attempting to commit suicide. "Don't throw your life away!" She blinks, "Or at least, put it in the proper recycling bin when you're done with it." Before the bespectacled man can raise a query, Liao gets yanked back down by her big sister. Calmly locking her in a chair with her AT-Field, the proper Rei posits her theory.

"As you wish Captain Katsuragi," she pulls out a blackboard from the Dirac Sea, covered in chalk notes. "This is a Chimeric Nephilim, made with my DNA as a base. She was an attempt to create a version of Me Who Was More Than Me."

"Explain that without the capslock for us stupid people," Asuka pouts. She hates it when Wondergirl gets all expository.

"They took a chunk of Giant Naked Rei, used it to synthesize a body, then added genetic material from the tower of Angels that came out of Unit-00 from combination with Armisael. You may not remember that one Pilot Shikinami; it was the light that didn't deflower you." Rei dodges a beer can thrown with enough killing intent to choke a horse, completely unphased. "Using an incomplete form of the late Dr. Akagi's research, they set forth to create new life. New life that would surpass my own. Unfortunately for them, they made two crucial errors. First, they did not give her any sense of restraint."

"And the second?" Shinji asks, raising a hand. Rei bows her head, a grim smile on her lips. Both eyes have turned black.

"They had the audacity to attempt to surpass the insurmountable."

Liao slips through Rei's AT-Field at this point, taking offense to that last remark. Her ahoge twitches and flexes with righteous indignation. "I can so surpass you and stuff! I was born to do the impossible, see the invisible, touch the untouchable and break the unbreakable! I'm super special awesome!" Rei's eyes widen to truly rape face proportions.

"Do you wish to test your hubris? I will oblige you then, little one."

Liao's eyes burn red, four-leaf clover design swirling into view. "I won't disappoint you, onee-sama!"

"Whoa whoa whoa, back the fun bus up," Misato interposes herself between the two tykebombs. "I'm already in deep enough shit for earlier, I don't need you two blowing up the apartment complex on top of that." She tweaks both of the Nephilim's ears in a matronly fashion. "Besides, you two have some explaining to do to the Supreme Commander. You, Ayanami, need to answer for disrupting the Second Child's mental state."

"The hell do you mean, 'disrupting my mental state'?" It's Asuka's turn to stand up, hands splayed on the table.

"We're pretty sure Ayanami's been fucking with you since this cycle's started. You haven't seemed to get over your problems, and the Supreme Commander will not have any instability in his soldiers."

Asuka's face turns beet red with embarrassment. Fuck, they know too much. Maybe if she made a break for it, she could jump out of the window before anybody caught her. Or maybe that weird teacher guy in the hakama from upstairs could lend her some rope. "W-what do you mean? I'm the picture of mental health, unlike that creepy doll and her bootleg sister."

"Yeah, and I'm an international sex symbol," Shinji shoots back with a small chuckle. "Face it Asuka, you're a lot more on edge lately. We're worried about you."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" she bawls, gritting her teeth. "I have nothing to run from, nothing to hide, I am perfectly fine; thanks for asking." There's too much venom in that last one; no wonder no one wants to hold her. "I'm going to my room, or is that too 'disruptive to my mental state'?" Okay, this time she swears she saw Ayanami smirking at her. One of these days she's gonna get her pretty little porcelain face punched in.

"Fine, go to your room. We'll talk later, count on it," Misato twists Ayanami's ear a little harder, "And don't think I didn't see that little smirk young lady. You're just pissing kerosine on the flames now." She may have her best guilty face on, but inside Rei Ayanami is rolling on the floor laughing. "You, now, we're taking you to Dr. Akagi, see if she can figure out what the hell you are." She looks at Liao with her best serious face, drawing an exaggerated gulp from the knockoff.

"I already explained-"

"Shut up Rei," the sad puppy face from Liao makes her pause a moment. "Not you sweetie, the one we know." The sheer speed with which she returns to happiness is enough to give Misato whiplash. "And Shinji?"

"Yes'm?"

"Make me something nice, and dig out the Grief Vodka," a glimmer of determination lights up Misato's face. "Mama Missy's getting shitfaced tonight."

Mana Kirishima hated infiltration missions. Sure, drinking all of her comrades under the table thanks to the miniature dialysis machines she had as kidneys afterward was fun, but the actual dirty work sucked. Getting past the first keycarded door was easy enough, her pinky-mounted card spoofer made that barrier child's play. The two Section Two mooks behind the door went down without incident; tazers are always fun. She made sure not to hurt them too badly; it was too easy to flip the switch from "stun" to "kill". Mana may have been a great many things, made of a great many things, but she was no butcher. She was a soldier, and more importantly, she was a human being. 85% mechanical body be damned. She propped up the agents, cleaning up their outfits for courtesy's sake. Radio-band headphones tune her in to the vox populi of NERV. The JSSDF had a sneaking suspicion that they had done something to sabotage the Jet Alone project; Mana was there to ensure lightning didn't strike twice. She chuffed, sneaking along with catlike tread. The Jet Alone was a stupid looking thing anyway; a Frankenstein's monster of terrible committee ideas. It was a patchwork phallus of people with more money than common sense. It would never work.

It didn't have the blessings of the protagonists.

"So, you heard about that new project the JSSDF is working on? Jet Jaguar or something?"

"Jet Jaguar? Like that Godzilla thing? It's like they aren't even trying any more."

She giggles an agreement, it really is a terrible idea. Sunglasses shaded eyes turn to her location; her internal display shows exclamation points above the bogey's heads. Where's a cardboard box when you need one?

"Halt, put your hands up where I can see them," some Rent-a-Spook shouts at her, gun out. This guy can't have popped out of his mother's womb more recently than a few months ago. His inexperience is almost blinding to Mana, thanks to whatever they did to her left eye. She can read his body language like a book, or maybe a doujinshi. He's kind of fit though, maybe if he got together with his older, more experienced...no. Focus on the mission. Get out of this jam, then ship the faceless NERV mooks.

"Don't shoot!" Mana cries out, modulating her voice for maximum woobieness. "I was going to be an intern here and I got lost and I'm so scared." He's relaxing, head tilting forward by hundredths of an inch. There's some relief on that face, and maybe a little lust. Ugh, creepy. Wires tense inside her, machinery clicking into a ready position.

"We're gonna have to pat you down, make sure you aren't carrying anything." Oh, I'm certainly carrying something. As are you, if that stirring in your loins is any indication. He paws at her with clumsy hands, eager like a 14 year old. His hand goes one step over the line from professional and she springs into action; restraining his gun hand with one arm. A subdermal needle in her pointer shoots the guy full of sedative; he jerks once and falls limp. Being a robot girl means never having to scream rape. The older one has his gun out now, but Mana's got his partner in a textbook human shield.

"Look, you're the smart one out of the group. Just let me walk through like nothing ever happened." Please don't have an itchy trigger finger. "I didn't kill your partner, just slipped him a Mickey. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want any trouble." Oh god, he's going to shoot and it's going to ricochet and I can't calculate all the deflection angles compensating with a ragdoll. "Don't be a hero, Mr. Smith." I'm going to have this poor bastard's death on my hands.

"It's Johnson. Mr. Johnson," the older man replies, bored timber to his voice. He spins his gun around, letting it hang off his finger. "Either they're breeding spies young these days or you're not a normal girl. Either way, I'm out of my league on this one." He slides his gun into a chest holster with a whuffing sigh. "Go on ahead, Superchica."

It takes everything Mana has to not faint right now. "T-thanks Mr. Johnson." She speeds off, leaving the rookie in his care. His relaxed posture and softened face convinced her that the guy wasn't going to just shoot her in the back. Crisis averted. For now though, she should probably get to higher ground. Odds were better that there were more rookies than Mr. Johnsons in this compound. With a vertical leap that would make LeBron James vomit with rage, she seamlessly slides into an air vent.

"Well, Rei...Ayanami was right. We can find genetic markers connecting her to both our Rei and material from the Tower of Babel." Dr. Akagi had already grown tired of sanity; the last shriveled bits of it she had left died in the presence of this girl. It felt nice, to be unfettered; she could see why mad science was so appealing. "Sure, genetics doesn't actually work that way but fuck it, nothing about the Evangelions makes sense without the Absurdium that is Absolute Territory." She takes a drag of a cigarette, looking over at the bouncing baby abomination. The girl had taken far too readily to being trussed up like a bondage video. She burst through the strongest restraints they had, but some silk rope and she thinks she's object d'art. "Why would I expect any better from her?"

"So what should we do with her?" Misato knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to keep her, like a stray puppy that can eat a tank in five minutes. She always did have a weakness for cute things and wanton destruction; this new girl combined both in spades.

"I am going to contact the Supreme Commander. You have a meeting to attend. The Fourth Child has already been chosen, she's waiting to be debriefed on level 5." Pity she won't be there for the fireworks, Ritsuko thought. "And you'll never guess who's with her."

Mari Makinari Illustrious had seen a great many things in her short life; living as a street urchin gave one a great breadth of life experience. Until a few seconds ago, she had only seen someone completely lose their shit once. It was her whore of a mother breaking up with some tosser she had strung along. The guy was completely gone, the lights were on but nobody was home. He just broke down into gibberish and tears, like his brain broke or something. It was pretty metal. All the while, this little red-head brat just kept staring at her. Never blinked, never moved, just stared.

That paled in comparison to the F5 shitstorm that washed over her at this moment. Before she could even blink, her guardian got knocked the fuck out, Friday style. She'd never heard so many curse words so fast, and she listened to horrorcore. The purple hair chick started making some up about halfway through, too. In that brief, shining moment, Mari found her soulmate.

"So nice to see you again Katsuragi, you always were a hellcat." Somehow, someway, Ryoji Kaji managed to sound smooth as lard-covered butter after getting punched into a filing cabinet and landing on his face. "I'd like you to meet the Fourth Child." The meganekko bounds to her feet: one hand outstretched for a handshake, the other throwing up the horns.

"I'm Mari Makinari Illustrious, and if you had a dick I'd let you fuck me so hard right now."

"First Child, I have some very...unsettling reports about your actions." Gendo Ikari was not happy. His scenario hinged on the happiness and camaraderie of the children; to see his beloved daughter jeopardize it left a bad taste in his mouth. "It appears that you are directly antagonizing the Second Child, who has a history of mental instability. Do not tell me you are not cleared to know this fact," his gaze hardens, spare the rod and all. "You know this, we all know this." Rei looks at him, her deadpan gaze hiding a note of contempt. She thinks she's untouchable. He shouldn't have spoiled her, no matter how much she looked like Yui.

"Appearances can be deceiving, Supreme Commander. I was merely attempting to make banter with Pilot Sohryu." Lying through your teeth is so easy when nobody expects you to have emotions.

"Bullshit." One word marks her facade, drawing a gasp from the stoic girl. "It seems you, in your newfound power have forgotten who controls things." Ikari reaches under the desk with an air of nonchalance. "You think that you let us back into the world, and therefore can take us out of it." He pulls out a pistol, levels it at Rei's chest. "You believe that no one would strike against their mother, their lover, their comrade." His glasses glint, pure white sheets blanking out his eyes. "You presume too much, Lilith."

Rei laughs, a bitter thing. Both her eyes are black, wide with glee. "And what would you do, my child? Kill me? I am you, what completes you, what gives you purpose. I am your mother, your child, your precious Yui! You could not strike me down as much as an insect could strike down a god!"

"No," Gendo says, flat as a dead man's heartbeat. He pulls the trigger, shot ripping through Rei's AT-Field, through her shoulder. "What you are, is a nuisance with an inflated ego." Two more shots, and Rei is on her knees, bleeding heavily. She snarls and spits, eyes mad. The air in the room condenses as she works her AT-Field, but two more shots disrupt her. "You like them? Specially designed Anti-AT Field shells, made from your sisters. Unlike you, they wish to help humanity, instead of watch it dance for her amusement." Crippled, bleeding out, the Rei who is not Rei gnashes and moans, screaming vengeance. Cold steel kisses her temple and her eyes return to normal. She looks sideways at her commander, her father, her crush, and she weeps.

"Have I been a bad girl, Ikari-sama?"

Gendo bites his lip, freezing for a moment. "Yes. Yes you have." A shot rings out in Terminal Dogma, and the Rei who is not Rei is Rei no longer. The Supreme Commander of NERV slides his pet project's eyes closed and places her under his desk. She would always hide there, when her emotions got too great. Choking back the gravity of his actions, he steadies himself and returns to his chair. Fuyutsuki will be back soon, wouldn't want to seem untoward.

Gussied up in the medical lounge, Liao Rei sheds a single red tear, though she doesn't know why. Peering through the air vents of Terminal Dogma, the JSSDF's number one source of robo-moe decides that Gendo is not the one to fuck with and decides to make her own mission. Silently, she slides out from her hiding position.

"Mr. Ikari, I'm Mana Kirishima and I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse."

Somewhere deep in the bowels of NERV headquarters, Ritsuko Akagi stares blankly at a fishtank full of Ree. Before, it would have filled her with jealous rage. Now, it's rather amusing. They're like dolphins: naked, godless, Angelic dolphins. She takes a long drag of her cigarette, before placing it in between her fingers. "Eenie, meenie, miney, you. Congratulations, you get to be the next Rei Ayanami." The foremost body opens up eager eyes, swimming rapidly to the top of the aquarium. It feels good to be alive again. The Rei that is now Rei shakes LCL from her hair like a dog. She sits next to Ritsuko, who obliges her a seat. Picking a cigarette from the good doctor's pack, she bums a light from the older woman. With eyes denoting a guilty sadness, she says her first words.

"Getting shot really hurts."

Ritsuko chuckles, blowing out a cloud of smoke. She musses the new Rei's hair like a precocious child. This one might turn out alright. "Sure does dollface, it sure does."


	6. Asuka's Got A Mommy Problem

"We were always fucked up roustabouts," the red-headed party girl leads with drunken courage.

"Had our ups, downs, and near throwdowns," Shinji chimes in with a tip of his glass.

"Made yourself the center of attention," Misato responds, thoroughly amused.

"That leader of Tsundere town," Asuka adds with a sloppy grin.

"But that ended forever more, when the Lance of Longinus pierced your Eva's core," Rei hiccups, her pale face almost completely red. The party clinks their drinks together, before shouting out in a boisterous chorus.

Chapter 6: "Asuka's Got A Mommy Problem!"

Misato takes a man-sized hit of her trademark can of Yebisu, before thrusting it out in triumph. She squees with delight, the happy sauce making everything go according to plan. "Oh god yes, that's living!" Stifling an unladylike belch, she sneaks a sleazy look at the girl of honor. "So Asuka, tell the class why you're so fucked in the head."

"Awww, but we did the whole song already Misato," Asuka moans with an overacted slouch. "Besides, it's long and boring and you all know it by rote now."

Mana, the most sober thanks to her authentic Moscow-2 alcohol processors, leans in closer. "I don't know it, this is my first time really doing this."

Mari, sniffing embarrassing human misery out like a bloodhound, gets up in Asuka's face. "Yeah Red, get us stupid newbies up to speed."

"Wondergirl, McDumbass, help me out here!" She's drunk, but she's not "share defining personal issues with complete strangers" kind of drunk. That comes in a few shots.

"It's no skin off my back if you do it or not, as long as you don't bring up the you-know-what," Shinji slurs, feet up on the table.

Asuka breaks out in a half smile, "What, you mean the masturbation?" The spit-take from Shinji only serves to egg her on. She clears her throat with the air of a judge about to sentence someone to death. "Shinjecchi here, after killing his prettyboy Angel lover decided to pay me a visit in the infirmary. He cried and he cried, begging and pleading for me to wake up, to call him names. He put his filthy hands on me, pulled my shirt off." Shinji winces, feeling the accusing eyes of a predominately female audience upon him. The storyteller gives him a "you asked for it" look and continues. " Apparently, comatose titties really gets his motor running, because he went to have some alone time afterward. It fucked him up so much, he spent most of the 18th Angel fight curled up in a ball."

"I had to literally drag him to the cages because he wouldn't move," Misato adds. She feels for the kid, deviancy and all. "He ended up a god, and I ended up as chunky salsa. Fair enough trade."

"When he finally took the initiative, it was to choke me." Asuka twitches, something distasteful in her mouth. "Probably got him hard."

Shinji is about three seconds away from breaking down in tears. He swallows a lump and glares at his red-headed tormentor with sparkling eyes. "I'm sorry Asuka! How many times do I have to say it? How many times do I have to realize the last time I saw you before Third Impact it was with spunk in my hands? How many times do I have to hear you scream "I'll fucking kill you" as harpies tear you limb from limb?" He's beet red with shame as he slams his head bowing over and over. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay? I'm scum, I'm a deviant, I'm fucking garbage! Is that what you want? Is that what makes you feel better about yourself?"

"What are you, retarded or something?" Asuka grabs him by the hair, pulling his face up to meet hers. "You saw in my head, you should know this doesn't make me happy. I'm never happy, I can never be happy, and I will never be happy!"

"Shut the fuck up Red, Jesus," Mari interjects with all the tact of a bull elephant. "Look, you two obviously want to bone, so you should just bone." She barks out a laugh. "Everybody knows hatesex is the best sex anyway." That draws all eyes on her, a combination of annoyance, anger, and confusion from Rei.

"You know, normally I would agree with the Fourth," Misato ponders, having been around enough awkward moments to know to softly tread. "But some intimacy problems can't be solved with a good dicking." She takes a sip of some nameless fifth. "It does help though, don't get me wrong."

"We do not have "intimacy problems", we have "I hate you and I want you to die" problems," Asuka growls. "You think that'd get through that gin-soaked skull of yours Katsuragi."

"You wanna go bitch? Sortie one mission without messing up or getting mind raped and you think you can be captain?" Nobody insults Misato Katsuragi's gin-soaked skull and gets away with it.

"Alright, let's do this. When I'm done with you, I can beat Wondergirl's doll face in."

Rei turns towards her, ever so slightly. The melancholy air around her is all she shows of her shock. Did Lilith...did she hurt the Second that much?

"If you wish to strike me, I will not fight back. I accept any punishment I have earned, Pilot Sohryu." She turns her palms up, the sign of acquiescence. The scowl that darkens Asuka's face makes hers fall a few shades more.

"God, stop acting like you're not in the wrong here, it pisses me off!" Stupid fucking Wondergirl, always with those dead eyes, like a doll's eyes. Why does everybody love those eyes, why will everybody die for her? "You've been a pain in my ass since the day I met you, all of you! I hate you Rei Ayanami! I hate you Shinij Ikari, Misato Katsuragi, the rest! I hate, hate, hate all of you!" She takes a wobbly swing at Misato, all pretense of training gone. It's caught and turned into a restraining hold, both her wrists handcuffed together. She gnashes and headbutts Misato in the nose, drawing blood. With an oath, Misato kicks out the Second's knee, swings around to her back, and makes her eat floor. Asuka roars and rages, kicking her feet and snapping at any loose bits she can. This did not go as planned at all.

"Asuka Sohryu Shikinami Langley, you are a danger to yourself and others. You have demonstrated insubordination, assault of a commanding officer, and an inability to work with your fellow pilots." This was going to suck. "I am hereby removing you from active duty." Alright Misato, big girl panties. Don't crack. "As of now, you are no longer pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."

The scream could be heard throughout the complex.

"Y-you can't do that!" Oh god, it's happening. "You don't have the jurisdiction! You can't do this to me!" I fucked it all up again. "You need me! I'm the best pilot you have!" Don't cry, don't cry, don't-. "If you take away my Eva, I might as well be dead." Her head sags, bangs obscuring her eyes. Her voice is as flat as Rei's ever was. "So get it over with. Kill me now and I'll see you bastards next time."

"I'm not going to kill you Asuka. You know that."

"You've already got me restrained like a mad dog Captain," she says, last word honed to a razor's edge. "You might as well put me down."

"God dammit, look," Misato crouches down in front of Asuka. "Look at me girl, this mean mugging thing isn't going to get us anywhere." A tense second passes, and Asuka tilts her head up a fraction. "Good enough. Now look, I just wanted to throw a party. Get smashed, see if a little liquor would loosen you up. I didn't want to have to cuff you, and I'm not going to take you off the team." She pauses, lets Asuka understand that last part. "But I will not have you act like you're the only one who's issues matter. The reason things end so badly for us is we act like hedgehogs instead of people. We act like we don't have any connections." Her eyes go soft, smiling. "But you have connections. You have people willing to kill for you, to die for you. You have comrades, you have friends, you have me."

"I don't need anybody, I didn't want you to connect to me." Asuka's voice is a hoarse whisper, tinged with many bad things. "I don't care about you and I don't want to care about you."

"Bullshit," Rei says, clear as day. For her, that was shouting at the top of her lungs. Her hands are behind her back, so Asuka can't see them shaking. "It seems you, in your newfound angst, have forgotten what eats at your heart." The look she gets is withering, but she will not falter. Her Great Mother whispers promises of dominance, but she will not listen. She swore to protect everyone, and by God she will. She gets down on her knees and helps Asuka to hers. Those eyes. Those horrible dead eyes, like her own. Nobody human should have those eyes. "You wish for someone to hold you. I am not Ikari-kun, but I shall serve in his stead."

For the first time in [REDACTED] cycles, Rei gives Asuka the embrace she so desperately needed. And the shippers rejoice.

Stricken out of the loop by the sudden deluge of drama, Mana and Mari trade conspiratorial whispers. This is a matter to be solved between main characters yes, but they've been promoted to the big leagues. It's best if they don't interfere, but they still want to do something. "This is a real downer isn't it, Mari?"

Mari scratches her head, bored out of her mind. "I'm so not feeling this touchy-feely shit. It's harshing my buzz."

Mana shoots her a dirty look. "I think it's sweet though, you know Rei's not good with the whole human interaction thing."

"You think two effete teenage boys playing grabass with each other is sweet, fujoshi," Mari scoffs, knocking back another drink. Mana blushes and puts on a pout.

"My proclivities have nothing to do with the gravity of the situation! Besides, how do you know that?"

"I heard you tuning up in the bathroom earlier," Mari says, as if it were exceedingly obvious. "And I saw the Kamina x Simon doujinshi in your back pocket. Who takes that on a mission?"

"It's a good luck charm, honest!"

A quartet of ahems cuts short the secondary pilots short, as the three Children and their ward makes their disapproval known.

"Whoops, sorry."

"My bad." Mari and Mana bow an apology. "Carry on, we're watching."

"Thank you Pilot Illustrious, Ms. Makinari." Rei returns the gesture, before turning back to a shaking Asuka. "Is something the matter?" The shaking increases with intensity, a low sound coming from her throat. Is it sobbing, or?

"Heh. Hehe. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha!" Asuka rolls her head back, laughing like a woman possessed. Her bangs fall back, bringing her reddened face to the light. She laughs right in Rei's face, her eyes ringed red. "Holy shit Wondergirl, I didn't knew you swung that way." Rei recoils a little, blinking twice. This is even funnier to her, so the laughter picks up. Everyone around the table stares at her, one thought on their collective mind. Asuka's finally snapped.

"Um, Asuka?" Shinji asks, unsure of the intelligence of his actions. "Are you okay?"

"What are you, stupid?" The redhead stifles a chuckle. "Of course not. I'm totally insane, completely and utterly bat guano crazy. I have to be if Ayanami is giving me a hug right now, I mean there's no other explanation." She looks Wonder...Rei dead on, face to face, eye to eye. She knows those eyes. She's seen them in the mirror every day she's woken up; every night she vents her spleen to her ragdoll doppleganger. They're good eyes. "I never thought I'd say this, but thank you Rei."

"You called me...Rei." Oh Great Mother, that's never happened before. Is she going to die again? "It...unsettles me."

"Oh yeah, I see how this works," Asuka says with a sad half smile. She bows her head a little, looks up at Rei with bright blue eyes. "First Child Lilith Wondergirl Ayanami, may I have permission to call you Rei?"

Ayanami can't help but have her eyes turn black, the Rei who just became Rei's brain shut down. This is unprecedented. This is not a part of the scenario. This is, kind of nice actually. Her lids fall languidly, a smile plays on her lips. Thus just got much more interesting.

"You have permission, Asuka Sohryu Shikinami Langley."

One foot on the table, one fist thrown up in victory, Misato Katsuragi roars in triumph. All that's needed is an explosion. "Fuck YEAH, that's what I'm talking about!" She points to Shinji with fierce determination. "You, beer me!" She whips her head towards Asuka and Rei, still ship teasingly close. "You two, stop making out with each other and pull up some chairs. We're doing karaoke!"

"Should I take off the handcuffs, Captain Katsuragi?"

Misato shrugs. "Do what you will, Rei."

Rei breaks out in a grin somewhere between innocuous and lascivious. "Sir, yes sir!" She takes an AT-Field enhanced nail and splits the chain down the middle, then the cuffs from Asuka's wrist. She places the cuff around her own wrist, searing it closed with the light of her soul, giving her former rival a shy smile.

"Hey Rei, why are you putting that on? Got a bondage fetish?"

"Why yes Asuka, I do," she says, deadpan. "I am attributing my inherent belief in protecting humanity to this handcuff. It is a fetish that signifies my happy bondage to all of you." There's a lightness to her flat expression. She nods, willing herself forward. "Thus, this is a fetish of bondage. A bondage fetish." That draws another round of laughter from the red-headed firebrand. Happy laughter. Maybe she can laugh again.

"You must be one of the new model dolls, with a built in comedy chip." Asuka gives the girl a playful slug in the shoulder. "Don't lose it, or I'll have to go back to making fun of Stupid Shinji for amusement."

Shinji smiles, crisis averted. "Good to have you back Asuka, I thought I'd have to choke a bitch again." Her face lights up, that old German swagger flooding back in spades. She puts on her best cheerful face and flips him the bird.

"Fuck off, Stupid Shinji."

"Good, good, everything is going according to the scenario." A cheerful sigh. "Lilim are so cute when they work through their frailties."

A coffin slides open on the surface of the moon. Scrubbing stray sparkles from his hair, Kaworu Nagisa, the alpha and omega of Angels gazes upon his trusty steed. The black and blue monolith stirs, white eyes gleaming. He raises a hand towards the Earth, setting out for new territory. The actors are in position, the stage is set, and everyone knows their lines. This is no longer a rehearsal, the true show will begin.

"It's showtime, Mark 06."


	7. Personal Jesus

In the grand scheme of things, nobody really explains the reason for synch ratio drills. They serve no purpose in the long run, as narrative causality always determines how good or bad things go for the pilots. If anything, they did the opposite of denoting pilot suitability: the most erratic pilot gets to be a god and the "best" pilot ends up Eva food. The one with the lowest consistent ratio is the one who can unmake the world, so that doesn't even do anything. It's a terrible ranking metric, unless playing a video game where it is given a tangible effect. Not like that didn't stop Asuka from gloating about her scores, however.

When they played Super [REDACTED] Wars, she wouldn't shut up about how she hit the damage cap. 400% Synch Ratio, she'd say; 114156 damage, she'd say. Conveniently, she'd forget that it was the Unison Kick that nets the magic number; a combination attack with Shinji. Bringing up this fact would earn a smack on the head and a relegation to lackey status for the Third Child. That was a pointless interlude, much like synch ratio tests were pointless exercises. Even Ritsuko seemed to be realizing this; the more recent tests were more about pushing the limits higher. When asked as to why, she just muttered something about Dirac Seas and hyperspace. As long as there were no ghostly versions of the Children or crippling emotional issues bubbling to the surface, things would stay pretty normal. The worst part about synch tests is the waiting period right afterward. You have the LCL sticking to you and you've just taken a shower but the feeling just doesn't come off. You have to do something to take your mind off of the itching sensation. Or the fact that you smell like an unloved tampon. It is under these conditions we find Shinji Ikari in his latest attempt to reach out to/get in the pants of one Asuka Langley [REDACTED].

"Hey Asuka."

"What?" Asuka looks at him sideways, brushing dried LCL out of her hair. The stuff was so difficult to clean out. Loath as she was to admit, Asuka kind of liked being in the entry plug. It was like being with her mama all the time. She felt safe in the shallow womb analogue, plus it was nice to be able to vent to someone who understood her. Mama wasn't a PhD in Psychology for nothing.

"I had the weirdest dream last night, but before I tell you, you have to promise me something."

Her eyebrow twitches. "What kind of dream is this?"

He sighs. "Look, just don't hit me after I tell you okay?"

The eyebrow twitches up a notch higher. "This is one of those perverted dreams, isn't it?" She purses her lips and pouts. "Were you choking me when you fucked me this time?"

Shinji almost literally jumps out of his plug suit at that one. Why would she jump to that conclusion first? More importantly, why hadn't he thought of that one before? A shameful part of his mind files the concept of erotic asphyxiation away as the rest runs .

"Oh god, why would you even joke about things like that!"

She gives a trollish smile. "Because the two most deviant things you do involving me are choking and sodomy. If it's deviant enough to require a cease-fire, it must be a combination of the two. It's Occam's Razor, dumkoph."

Shinji's posture straightens, hand on the back of his head. It's depressing how little she thinks of me, if I didn't think worse of myself I'd be crushed. "Well, you're half right. We were making love." He pauses, overcome by the smug his distaff counterpart exudes. She could probably out-smug my father, he thinks. Scary thought, that. "We were making love and you wanted a sandwich, so I made you one."

"That's pretty boring, you were probably hungry when you went to sleep," she snorts. "You're wasting my time Shinjecchi."

Shinji begins to speak with his hands, maybe pantomime will help. "We were in the bedroom at the time. I took you from the bedroom to the kitchen and I made you a sandwich. My penis did not leave your general vaginal area for the duration of this journey. I was making sandwiches and making love to you simultaneously. I used you as a table, while I was doing you on the table for God's sake." He takes a breath, "They were good sandwiches too."

"Okay, that is kind of weird," says Asuka, thoroughly interested. The sheer efficiency of Shinji's dirty dream was strangely alluring. Sating the two most basic human needs at the same time was brilliant in that mad sort of way.

"I haven't even gotten to the best part yet: for some reason I was a Nephillem like-"

"Me, Ikari-kun?" Rei peeks her head from behind the changing curtain, blue hair spiked outwards. "I read a most interesting situation like that involving Renton and Eureka recently. You see, Renton had become a Corralian and-"

"Attention, blue pattern detected. I repeat, blue pattern detected. All personnel to level one ready positions." The soothing, vaguely British voice drones throughout the complex, an old friend by now. The three Children sigh in unison, hastily throwing their plug suits back on. You'd think that the Angels would get the hint by now.

"What have you got for me Maya?" Ritsuko already knew the answer: some crazy shit that would, in another time, make her lose faith in a just and rational universe.

"It's an Evangelion, but it's dinging blue," Maya looks back to the screen, making sure her eyes don't deceive her. "And it seems to be flying."

"Maybe someone installed a Minovsky Craft on it," Misato jokes. A ladylike hand over the mouth hides Ritsuko making a note to develop said parts. They don't exist this time, so she can call them Akagi Crafts, like she always wanted to.

"No, that would make too much sense Misato. That, is what I like to call AT-Fuckery."

A rich lilting voice comes over the speakers as the target makes first contact. "Such a crude word to describe the art of the soul." Video contact is made, and a familiar face is writ large on NERV's viewscreens. Stray sparkles frame high smiling cheeks and wizened eyes as Kaworu Nagisa, Eva's answer to female teenage promiscuity, looks down upon his inferiors. "I mean you no harm, I just wish to play with the Children for a while."

"Oh hell, it's you again," says Misato, rubbing her sinuses. Her console shows the three pilots ready to sortie, everything present and accounted for. "Shinji, Asuka, Rei?"

"Yes'm," the respond in unison.

"Your good friend Tabris is back," she says with cruel intentions. "Show him a proper Tokyo-3 reception."

Track 7: Personal Jesus

Buildings move aside and the streets of Tokyo-3 part like seas for their defenders, all three Evas launched in close formation. Facades open up to deploy a rack of weaponry. Asuka grabs her trusty spear, while the members of the Ikari family tree roll out in modified Pallet Guns. 3D displays pop up in Unit 02's cockpit, replicated flat on her comrade's viewscreens. The Red Comet of Tokyo-3 cracks her knuckles, power of authority wrapping around her like a security blanket.

"Alright folks, the Seventeenth Angel has come a little bit ahead of schedule. We don't know what he can do in an Eva, so be smart out there. Shinji, you've tangled with him before so you take point on this mission. Wondergirl, you shadow him, neutralize any attempts for the target to do Angel-y stuff. I'll hang back and provide suppressive fire."

"Are you sure about that?" Asuka? Not taking the initiative? What fresh hell is this?

"What are you, stupid? I'm the only one who doesn't know this guy inside and out, I'm not putting my neck on the line with no intel." She puts on her best queenly mask, sweeping her comrades onwards with a hand. "So I'm sending you two off to die first. Don't worry though, they'll tell tales of your bravery for all time." She gives a textbook Anime Princess Laugh, finely honed in the bowels of NERV.

"How noble of you," Shinji says. God, even when she's being nice she's a horrible person.

Rei nods, intent on her mission. Her left eye has gone partially black, keeping every aspect of Tabris in measure. He waves in her mind's eye, sparkling like diamonds. Why is he wearing only a towel in an Evangelion? Why is he now on a horse? She shakes the cobwebs out and he returns to a plugsuited form, humming contentedly. The majesty of Adam is nigh-omnipotent, so why does he waste it on making everyone want to make BABIES with him? Not that it isn't effective, she thinks with a guilty shifting in her seat. No, focus on the mission, not licking every inch of Tabris' body.

"Pilot Sohryu?" Rei can't quite deaden the fangirlish waver in her voice.

"Yes Rei?"

"Permission to cut loose?"

"Not yet Wondergirl, we need to have a few aces up our sleeve."

Rei deflates a little, crying inside. "Understood."

"Alright then, let's get this show on the road," Asuka smiles. "Remember, if you die out there, I'll fucking kill you~" She leans forward, every inch of her singing with the urge to grab glory with her own two hands. "Operation Twilight is go in drei, zwei, eins, NOW!"

Unit 01 gives a throaty howl and barrels forward, leaping over buildings in a single bound. She was getting stiff in that cage, a girl needs her exercise. It was a shame that she had to fight that charming Nagisa boy again, if only he or Shinji were a girl, they would be perfect for each other. Still, seeing his head pop off like a Pez dispenser was morbidly amusing. Unit 00 was right behind her, extending her AT-Field outwards like a parasol. The Ayanami girl was nice too, very docile, a perfect Yamato Nadeshiko. Being the progenitor of mankind was just an interesting quirk. As she brought her AT-Field up in a neutralization pattern, Unit 01 wondered if her boy going steady with a partial clone of her would be considered incestuous?

Mark 06 extends a hand almost thoughtlessly as orange meets orange, refracting and shifting like soapbubbles made of nonsense. With a careless flick of the wrist, its field accelerates forward, bowling Unit 01 off its feet. Unit 00 swings out from behind, forcing a lance of Absolute Terror into a weak point. A shift in concentration brings the field around and down, parrying the offending attack. A black and blue hand lashes forward with unnatural flexibility, barely pushed away from Unit 00's face. It rolls back into a crouching position, letting a quick burst of hot lead out at the Mark 06's head and shoulders. A flourish of Mark 06's free hand sends razor sharp projections of AT-Field fuckery through each bullet, turning them into buckshot for Unit 01 to deal with. In the Entry Plug, Kaworu smiles, eyes closed.

"Now now Lilith, you can do better than that?"

"Bite me Tabris," Rei says, deadpan.

He chuckles. "You would enjoy that, wouldn't you?" To be perfectly honest, yes she would.

"All the more reason to put you down quickly. Ikari!"

"On it Rei!" Shinji follows suit with a spray of lead, strafing to Mark 06's blind spot. Rei falls back, predicting the buckshot as a hail of knives fill her previous position. Caught off guard, Nagisa gets his AT-Field up a second slow. That second proves costly, as Unit 01 rips her Field-sheathed hand through a kink in the coverage. The hand holding the Pallet Gun. Eva and Child roar together as Shinji empties his clip in Mark 06's face. Bullets strip armor and flesh away, and the Mark 06 stumbles back, folding its AT-Field inwards to reject the foreign element. Momentarily blinded, Kaworu fails to notice the positron-tipped spear hurtling in his genera direction. Or the gaping hole in his defense that Rei has opened up. It runs him through, bending the Mark 06 backwards, pinned to the ground like a butterfly.

"Let's see how you like getting turned into a human pincushion!" Asuka howls in triumph, cape fluttering like angel's wings, Prog Knives at the ready. She rains down a veritable typhoon of pointy things at the rogue Eva, many finding their mark through its weakened AT-Field. Unit 02 does a lazy roll in the air, before bringing its foot down across the remains of Mark 06's head in a devastating Axe kick.

"Well, that was disappointing," she says with a backwards glance, Unit 02 with its hands on its hips. "I thought the last Angel would do better than that. Matariel was more of a challenge than you, and that's saying something."

"That was a total rip-off," Misato huffs, looking out at the destruction from NERV viewscreens. "I mean, come on!" She turns to vent at Ritsuko, but is greeted by Mana, Mari, and Liao. "When the hell did you three get here?"

"When I remembered I was a main character, duh," Liao says as if she were talking to a child. She's wearing a pair of Commander Ikari's sunglasses for some reason. It was probably best not to ask why.

"Around the time Prettyboy got a lead makeover," says Mari, cleaning her ear with a pinky.

"Ritsuko went to do more tests on the Ree," Mana explains, "Said this was a 'foregone conclusion'. Invited us to the bridge to watch the fireworks." She holds out a box of chocolate crack sticks to Misato in offering. "Pocky?"

"Kicked the habit, thank you very much." She sighs; the booze she could live with, but Pocky laid her a bit too low for her tastes. Liao takes the offering, eating the entire box in one exaggerated gulp. She opens a channel to the three pilots. "So, report back to base guys. Good job, I guess." "Damn cheap bishounen Angels," she mutters to herself.

"Hey Mari, you'd consider Tabris to be like the final boss right?"

"I don't know what this has to do with anything, but yeah fujoshi, he'd be the final boss."

Mana rests a hand on her chin, looking inquisitive. "Don't final bosses usually have multiple forms?"

"Yeah," Mari responds, the significance of the question dawning on her. "Oh. Oh shit!"

And that's when the laughter started. Slow, soft, and strangely sensuous. It rolled through the air, like cheap perfume. Outside, the three Children felt that sense of foreboding that can only really be encapsulated by a long, drawn out

"Fuck," Rei blurts, both eyes black.

"Am I hearing things Shinji, or did Rei just say fuck?"

"I was about to ask you the same question Asuka." That can't be good. He twitches, eyes wide. As far back as he can remember, Rei has never said fuck. The number of situations in which proper, sedate Rei Ayanami would drop an f-bomb were few and almost certainly catastrophic. The fact that Mark 06 seemed to be glowing white and rapidly regenerating served to drive home this point.

"Ah, my deepest apologies, I was being a terrible playmate." Kaworu's eyes burn an unholy whiteness, his soft grin turned sinister. "I will play with you properly from now on." Angels sing out in immaculate chorus as six AT-Field wings sprout from Mark 06's back. The sky darkens as energy gathers in a halo above 06. The cameras that don't immediately short out return pure white static to NERV HQ.

"AT-Field is blocking out radio waves, infrared, whiting out our systems. The MAGELING daemon-servers are crashing!" It takes a lot to unnerve Shigeru Aoba. Being swarmed by an army of nude Reis did the trick; his collection of Ayanami merchandise was his greatest shame. Whatever the hell is going on right now is getting pretty close. Staring at the junk data the overtaxed scanners spit at him, he curses not going into music. Why did he listen to his mother, instead of following his heart?

"Mark 06's AT-Field, it's, it's too much high power man!" Makoto Hyuuga always wanted to say that. Not in a situation like this, but there might not be more chances soon. "High energy I-don't-even-know-what signature detected!"

"Get the Children out of there, now!" Misato near begs the civic engineers. "Blow the street overlays, put up every blast shield we have!" She grips her cross pendant, eyes full of motherly worry.

***

For the first time in [REDACTED] cycles, Rei Ayanami felt fear. True, chilling fear. Tabris was strong, but he did not know restraint. He could unmake everything she held dear right now, destroy her children, her wards. He could end them, completely and utterly.

She could not let that happen.

"Pilot Sohryu, Pilot Ikari. I believe it is time for me to die again." She exhales, a shaky breath. "Permission to break rank, Pilot Sohryu?"

"Permission denied, Wondergirl," Asuka says flippantly. "We're not just going to throw you under the bus because the Seventeenth's gotten all glowy." Her bangs fall over her face, leaving one eye gleaming violently. "What we're going to do, is kick our AT-Fields into high gear and tell this guy where he can stick his One Winged Angel form. Got me Wondergirl?"

Rei looks down at the handcuff on her wrist, holds it tight to her body. It feels warm, or is that her? She closes her eyes, making peace with her sisters. When they open, they are both black, twin lanterns of passion set in a defiant face. "Loud and clear, Pilot Sohryu."

"Rock. You ready to flip death the middle finger again McDumbass?"

Shinji's got his game face on, Unit 01 following suit with a rictus grin. As the last testament of humanity's existence, she wasn't going down to some no-count alien. "Always. I mustn't run away, after all."

Asuka can't help but laugh. It's amazing how she can motivate a robot and a pansy into throwing their lives away with a few words. It's even more amazing how she can convince herself to do so. They're probably going to die here, but it's been fun. Fleeting happiness is the sweetest, after all.

"Good to hear. Now, it's not like I like you two or anything, but if this is really it, I want you to know that I cherished-" She shakes her head vigorously. "Fuck that, that's way too cheesy!" Unit 02 points out towards the dramatically paused Mark 06. "Alright you dogs, who wants to live forever!"

"Not I, Comrade Langley!"

"Not I, Pilot Sohryu!"

Unit 01 roars in Greek chorus.

"And neither do I. It looks like I'll die with you after all, Mama."

Heat and light, brighter than the sun, hotter than hell itself becomes reality. It becomes their bodies, engulfs their hearts, but cannot touch their souls. The lights of their collective beings scream a shared challenge, try to knock us down. A pure white cross blooms like corpse lilies as the bottom drops out from underneath the three pilots. The blast vaporizes anything without an ego, the shared fields the only thing keeping the escape chute intact. Halfway across the world people can see a testament to humanity sparkle like stardust tears. From the epicenter of the blast, a heavenly figure emerges.

"It looks like this will be more fun than I imagined," whispers Tabris. "The Seventeenth Angel, the Alpha and the Omega, Adam, Tabris, or simply Kaworu Nagisa; whichever name you choose for me I shall oblige you." A contented look falls upon his face, stray sparkles falling out of his scalp. "I will absolutely make all of you happy this time. This, I swear."

Completely drained of power, smoldering like used charcoal, the three Evangelions still stand tall. Emergency crews retrieve the pilots post haste, barely conscious but alive. As they are dragged from certain death, the pilots catch a glance at each other. And they laugh. It hurts, everything hurts, but they laugh nonetheless.

"We really suck at dying, don't we Ayanami?" It's the only coherent thought Shinji can string together.

"What do you mean, 'we', Ikari-kun?" Rei seizes, gripped in sudden pain. "I am quite adept at dying, thank you very much."

"What are you two, stupid?" Asuka stares up at the ceiling, unable to move. Looks like Mama is denied her wish again. "Who would want to be good at dying?"

{End EP 1: Smile}


	8. Bonus: Never Mind The Bollocks

**Bonus Track: Never Mind The Bollocks**

Rei: One!

Asuka: Two!

Shinji: Three!

Mana, Mari, Liao: Wai~!

All Together: Welcome to the Bonus Track!

Shinji: I'm Shinji Ikari, pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, former God, and butt of many a cruel fandom joke, welcoming you, the viewer to this special extra chapter.

Asuka: What are you, stupid? It's not a chapter, it's a track. Get the terminology straight!

Rei: Pilot Sohryu, we are not in audio format; the designation of "track" is merely an aesthetic choice.

Asuka: No shit Sherlock, or should I say, _arseloch_?

Rei: Oh, it's that game we're playing? _Kutabare, soshite, shini nasai, aitsura._

Shinji: _Fuzakenayo!_ This is an English fanfiction, we speak English here!

Mari: [wearing a black suit, white shirt, black tie, and an afro] ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!

Mana: To be fair, we are all supposed to be speaking in Japanese. *sweatdrop* So I don't know why the Japanese text went all italicized.

Liao: It's Japan-American Relations.

All others: What?

Liao: You know, like Japanese teenagers wearing shirts that say stuff like "Cool frow happy", or bored American college students writing derivative works based on popular anime.

Others: Huh.

Liao: Soon, we'll all be the same thing, one great big race of Lilim, and then we can colonize the moon in the name of punishment! Or was that punishment in the name of the moon?

Shinji: ...Right. Okay, moving on. In case you didn't know, each _chapter_ is named after a song that the author enjoys, as are the _volumes_ themselves.

Asuka: Volumes just sound so pretentious. Oh, check out my volumes of fanfiction. Doesn't that just want to punch someone in the face?

Mari: Just breathing makes me want to punch someone in the face. But then again, Kaji always said my killboner never did go flaccid. He's probably dead now, but the point still stands.

Asuka: My Kaji is dead? More importantly, _you_ were with my Kaji? Oh, it's fucking on now bitch.

Mari: Bring it on ho, I still need to pay you back for breaking my finger in your dreams. {1}

Shinji: *sigh* Rei, take care of them please.

Rei: Roger. *AT-Field*

Shinji: Wonderful. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted; the chapters and volumes are named after songs and albums respectively. Why this bonus chapter is named after the seminal Punk album: Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols.

Mana: Cool!

Shinji: The title of the first chapter, "Babylon Angel's Song" is the English version of "Babiron Tenshi no Uta," a song by the pillows. Lack of capitalization is theirs, not mine.

Mana: Yep, it's off of the album Thank You, My Twilight. For those of you who only know the pillows from FLCL, they're kind of a big deal in Japan, with an amazing 20 year career and more albums than we have Ree.

Rei: I highly doubt that, but for hyperbole's sake, let us continue. The second chapter, "...And I Want" is from genre-busting Japanese group Boris. The album is Rainbow. There is nothing bright or uplifting about their music however; it is punishing drone/hard rock. Perfect for quiet nights going slowly insane, or choking your female friends to.

Mari: The third chapter (which is the best because it has me fucking shit up in it), is a play on a song. SCHOOL GIRL EVANGELION ADDICT comes from "SCHOOL GIRL DISTORTIONAL ADDICT", by Number Girl. Number Girl is another big Japanese band, sort of the Sonic Youth of J-Rock. They're loud, they're fast, and they get me wet, so I like 'em.

Liao: But Mari, how can you be wet when there's no water?

Shinji, Asuka: o_O

Rei: =3=

Mari: Well, you see when a woman reaches a certain age, her pu-

Mana: THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT! Now Liao, why don't you tell us about your chapter?

Liao: But I really wanted to know how Mari got wet...

Mana: *angry* Never. Mind. That.

Liao: Eep! T-the fourth chapter is another pillows song, and one of the author's favorites: "Trip Dancer", from Please, Mr. Lostman. It's bright and happy and strange, like me and stuff.

Asuka: I wonder if there's a song called "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"?

Shinji: I wonder if there's a song called "Shut The Fuck Up Asuka"?

Mana: Settle down children. The fifth chapter comes from an American band this time, Bad Religion. It's another play on words, 21st Century Digital Girl becomes "21st Century Digital Boy". The joke's that I'm a robot you see.

Crickets: *chirp*

Mana: Hey, I didn't write this stuff.

Asuka: Thank God for that, it'd just be seven chapters of Shinji and Kaworu fucking.

Mana: That's not true! *embarrassed* There'd be some ShinKaji too...

Asuka: You want me to break your face too robo-girl?

Shinji: Rei...

Rei: *AT-Field harder*

Asuka: Jerks. The sixth chapter is yet another play on words, and yet another Punk band. I've Got A Mommy Problem becomes "Tobe's Got A Drinking Problem," by former Dropkick Murphys frontman Mike McColgan's Street Dogs.

Shinji: We were going to go with Misato's Got A Drinking Problem, but the author likes to make Asuka and I suffer.

Asuka: He also likes bringing up that masturbation thing. I think it amuses him.

Shinji: Yeah. What's up with that?

Rei: It is an iconic image for End of Evangelion. And it is kind of funny.

Mana: Because we all know jerking it to comatose girls is the height of hilarity.

Mari: Damn straight it is.

Others: *jiiiiiiiiiiiiii*

Mari: What? You know you love it.

Liao: The seventh and final chapter is called-

Kaworu: "Personal Jesus," by Depeche Mode. It's a classic.

Sparkles: *sparkle*

Liao: Ooh, sparkly! Can I eat him?

Mana: *nosebleed*

Mari: Uho! Girl's got some initiative. Ride that sumbitch 'til the cows come home, but save some for me. *evil grin* I like to break pretty boys.

Shinji: *nosebleed*

Asuka: *nosebleed* W-what the hell is wrong with you! What the hell is wrong with all of you?

Kaworu: You know you love it, Sohryu-chan.

Sparkles: *sparkle*

Asuka: *strains to hold on to sanity*

Sparkles: *sparkle harder*

Asuka: Fuck it, WHUMPA time.

Yelling Bird: AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED!

{fin}

Shinji: No, not again! I don't want to be the bottom again! The EP is named after a pillows album and...Ayanami? OH GOD KEEP THAT AWAY FROM THERE!

{actually fin}

{1} Track 3 true believers!


	9. Plainsong

Staring up at the ceiling is not a fun way to spend several weeks, but it's pretty much all the three Children can do. It beats the alternative of being dead and/or comatose, but it still sucks. Given the fact they tanked a blast that could be easily classified as an extinction event, staring at the ceiling is a pretty sweet gig all things considered. At least they don't have to do any Sync Ratio tests.

"Urg, these bandages are so fucking itchy," Asuka groans. "How can you wear these things Wonergirl?"

"You get used to them Pilot Sohryu," Rei responds. Well that, and she enjoys the little scratchiness. It tickles her skin in a pleasant sort of way. It reminds her of Commander Ikari's stubble, not that she'd tell anybody that.

"God, I hope not," she scoffs. "I don't want to have to be wrapped up like a mummy."

"You look cute with them on though," says Shinji, cracking a weak smile. It hurts to move, but he's got to see Asuka's reaction for that one.

"Ew, don't say things like that Shinjecchi!" Even though she's on enough sedatives to knock out a horse, Asuka manages to recoil in sheer terror. "There's nothing cute about serious injury!" Rei coughs a slight dissent.

"Which one of us is the mascot of this series, and the ur-example of two entire moe archetypes again, Pilot Sohryu?"

The queen bitch of tsundere snorts, unimpressed. "Yeah, but that's only with creepers like Shinji and that Hyuuga guy."

"Hey, I like genki girls and tsunderes thank you very much," Shinji protests, with a wry smile. "Why do you think I put up with you?"

"Very funny arseloch." Asuka flops on her side, nodding her head to get the bangs out of her eyes. "And we all know you put up with me because you heard German girls are into BDSM." She gives a slight, but no less smarmy smirk towards Shinji. "You want to be my bitch is all."

Shinji looks at her as if she had just triumphantly described the sky as blue. "Well, yeah. Your point being?" You can almost see the smoke pouring out of Asuka's ears. Father always said a bold strike is a decisive one, he thinks.

"Pervert! Letch! I can't believe you!" Well that was unexpected. She's yet to get used to this whole "Shinji with balls" thing. Or at least, a Shinji with balls that doesn't revel in wanton destruction or talk to figurines. Or turn agents into fucked-up fleshy fucktoys. "You're not supposed to tell people these things, idiot!"

"Are you upset, Pilot Sohryu?" Rei hasn't moved an inch from her original position. A slight upturning of the mouth doesn't count. "Perhaps you were projecting your own predilections on Pilot Ikari?" Bandages are good for support, but they are not good for absorbing impact, Rei thinks. Something Sohryu has just learned firsthand, if that pratfall off the bed is any indication.

"Ow."

Unable to move his arms enough to facepalm, Shinji makes due with stuffing his face into the pillow. "God dammit, Asuka. Nurse!"

**Track 8: Plainsong**

Maya Ibuki had not been having a good few weeks. Ritsuko-sempai had gone into one of her moods after the Tabris attack, ranting and raving about the sheer illogic of the situation. She started breaking down into Angrish around the point where the Adamite Angels were supposed to be aiming for Complementation instead of pulling some "shounen manga bullshit", as she put it. The only thing that managed to calm her down was that thing she made her do. It was confusing and degrading, but it kept Ritsuko-sempai from killing Ree for sport. She may have made peace with Commander Ikari's daughter doll, but that didn't stop her from thinking of ways to abuse the meat puppets.

Maya still didn't understand why spinning around in circles exactly three times, then saying "Cocks" amused Ritsuko-sempai so much. Or why she had to wear a school swimsuit while doing so. She just assumed that it was a sign of her superior's increasing dementia.

Figuring out how Tabris had created that much energy out of nothing, and how the Children managed to stop it took up most of her time. The numbers just didn't add up on either side. Not only was the energy signature unlike anything they had ever seen before, the sheer magnitude of the blast should have blown Japan off the map. It was akin to the fist of an angry bishounen God, and their pilots managed to get away with some half-slagged Evangelion units and a few bumps and bruises. The further Ritsuko analyzed the data, the angrier she got and the angrier she got, the less sense she made. It got to the point where she was coming up with designs for atomic Supermen with octangle arms and cannons for faces. A gentle reminder of the massive, NERV-enforced failure of the Jet Alone project talked her off that ledge. By the end of the first week, her normally well kept office was awash in Post-it notes, crumpled up balls of paper, and cigarette butts. It was obvious she hadn't slept or kept up her appearance for the duration, as her natural brunette hair had started showing through the dye. It was uncomfortable just how Naoko-esque she was becoming. Maya made a mental note to keep any of the Ree away from her for the duration.

This led her to taking up the job as nurse to the Children. If she was their caretaker, it would ease Sempai's workload, and keep her from using the damaged goods as experiment stock. Seeing the kids like this was not particularly pleasant for Maya, but it allowed her to have a greater role in the defense of humanity outside of human stress ball. It was also funny in a weird way, seeing the pilots get closer to each other. Even when it meant possibly prolonging their injuries. Like now.

"Asuka, do we have to strap you to the bed again?"

"Could you do that please," Shinji says, face in pillow to stifle his chuckles, "It would be ever so nice." If he could see Asuka blanch, he wouldn't be able to keep his face or his bladder in check.

"No, don't strap me to the bed with _him_ around!" Asuka thrashes about limply, a surprising amount of fight still left in her. "I don't want him getting any ideas again!"

"Hey, ix-nay on the erversion-pay suka-Ay," Shinji spits. "That bondage thing was just a joke. A joke!"

"The hell it is! I don't care if you can't use either of your hands, you'll still find a way to jerk it to me!" She turns to Maya, a pleading look on her face. "Don't let him do it, please! I'll be good, just don't strap me to the bed!"

Even though she's one of the youngest members of NERV internal staff, Maya Ibuki is still too old for this shit. With practiced repetition she pulls a needle out of her coat pocket and into the side of Asuka's neck. Her eyes widen, then go glassy as the sedative takes effect. With a burbling giggle, she goes limp. At this rate, she's going to end up addicted to the stuff. Motherly hands put Asuka back into the bed and tuck her in neatly. She babbles something about Mama and topless corsets, then fades out into a snoring slumber.

"You really need to stop riling her up Shinji, it's not good for her injuries," Maya chides. "Besides, you know how Commander Ikari gets when someone messes with his scenarios, and you three being out of commission hasn't made him a happy man." The progeny of the Ikari line gulp in unison; Rei recalls the unpleasant sensation of phantom gunshot wounds. The scion of the Ikari family merely understands the lengths his father will go when he's mad.

"U-understood Miss Ibuki."

"You too Rei, no funny stuff."

Rei shivers imperceptibly. "Roger that."

Maya breathes a sigh of relief, a great deal more chipper now. "Wonderful. Anything I can get for you two?"

"A last will and testament."

"And prepare another one of my sisters. Just in case."

Things could have been going better for the Supreme Commander of NERV. Those fools at Beijing-2 had no idea what they had unleashed on the world. Knowing would have given them a grim satisfaction to see how much it had rattled the unflappable Gendo Ikari, the bastards. After first contact with...their pet Ayanami, he had never had as great an urge to get shit-housed drunk. Having to do so shortly after putting six rounds rapid into his surrogate daughter only made the destructive urges more powerful.

What disturbed him the most, he though after his sixth or sixtieth shot, was how his Rei and their Ayanami were similar. They both were socially inept, completely unfettered by normal human logic, and held power far beyond mortal ken. While Rei, with few Lilith-based exceptions, repressed and suppressed her emotions into an unnerving placidity, the Chinese knockoff exploded with energy and mad exuberance.

He wasn't sure which was more terrifying.

When Gendo is faced with something he cannot understand, he defaults to one of two options. He either attempts to subvert it, or he attacks it head-on. There was nothing to subvert with the knockoff, there was no point in doing so. She held an almost slavish devotion to Rei, or "Ayanami onee-san," as she called her. That was enough, and that was all that could be puzzled out of her while keeping his sanity intact. He knew facing a Nephillem, especially a chimera head-on was tantamount to suicide. He also knew that whatever he saw inside of her when she hugged him through her bosom was enough to drive normal men insane. Luckily, he was not a normal man. As a contingency, he executed a plan that would satisfy both his desires.

Face down in a gutter, with a small hill of men broken by his hands as his bed and an empty bottle of bourbon in his hand, Gendo Ikari slept.

Kozo Fuyutsuki was not pleased with what he saw. It was bad enough that he had been swamped with paperwork for the arrival of Evangelion Units 03 and 04. He could live with trying to instill some discipline with that scary Makinari girl, and hoped that she had been given her shots. He would need counseling for the things he saw the other Rei do to Supreme Commander Ikari, but who didn't need counseling at NERV? He could even look the other way about Ikari abandoning his post to cause trouble. What was unforgivable was that he wasn't informed.

"I see you had fun last night," he says with schoolmarm's tone. He is responded to with a resounding nothing.

"Wake up Rokobungi." He nudges the Supreme Commander with his foot, careful not to get any sort of fluids on him.

"Five more minutes Yui." Gendo mumbles, shooing Fuyutsuki away with a limp arm.

The Vice Commander of NERV twitches, now thoroughly annoyed. A stray eyebrow rockets up. "No sleeping in class Rokobungi," he says with a kick to the ribs, displacing Ikari off of his victor's throne. He hits the pavement with a dull thud and a groan.

"Professor Fuyutsuki, what a pleasant surprise," says Gendo into the pavement. He rolls to his back, flinching at the harsh sunlight. "Tell me, was I late for class again?"

"Very funny." He lifts Gendo onto shaky legs, and drapes an arm over his shoulder. "Come on you wino, we've got work to do."

"Will wacky hijinx ensue?"

Fuyutsuki massages his sinuses, vainly trying to tamp down the rising headache. "I hate you when you're still drunk Rokobungi."

"That's better than most Professor," Gendo says with a lilt to his voice. "Most people hate me drunk or sober."

Mari Makinari "Motherfucking" Illustrious was happier than a pig in shit. The Yanks finally shipped over another Eva unit for her to trash...take to the limits. She was getting bored sitting around doing nothing but stealing liquor from Katsuragi and questioning the manhood of every male member of NERV. There were a lot of fires too, but Kaji had prepared the staff for that already. A girl's gotta busy herself somehow.

Recently,the bottle-blond scientist one had been spending about equal time running her through simulations and doing patently offensive things to the Liao Dynasty Project. Sure, Blondie said they were "stress testing", but to Mari, stress testing usually doesn't involve flamethrowers and turnips. She could think of several things to test with either of those objects and a warm body, but the combination gave her pause.

And Blondie had the nerve to say her tactics in the combat simulations was "excessive".

That was inconsequential to the fact that today was going to be the day she'd finally get to ride the colossus again. The thought made her more excited than is polite to discuss about quasi-legal girls. Quivering with delight, she works her way through a shadowboxing routine; each punch and thrust making her blush harder and harder. Her imagined enemies go down in agony as she stylishly ends them one by one and two by three. At the climax of her circle pit of death, she leaps into the air with a vicious knee strike. There is a satisfying crunch of metal and, wait, metal?

Mana Kirishima was having a pretty nice day, all things considered. She had just picked up a hot little Kaworu x Shinji number, in commemoration of the sequence break and was all ready for some routine maintenance. And then she got kneed in the face. She may be 85% metal, but a knee to the face is not a pleasant thing for anybody. Caught off guard and off balance, she crashes to the floor in a heap, with Mari in a less than kosher position atop her.

"Uh, Mari? Yaoi fangirl, not yuri fangirl," Mana mumbles from underneath Mari's skirt.

"Oh, that's where the crunch came from." Mari rolls back and onto her feet, then smooths out her skirt. "You okay?"

Inner eye overlays show the damage is cosmetic at best. "Yeah, I'll live." Mana sits up, rubbing at the slightly wrinkled synth-skin on her cheek. "Nice panties by the way. Glenn Danzig's face on your ass is very classy."

"Pretty bitchin' huh? Made 'em myself," Mari says, beaming with pride.

"Fancy that," says Mana, unaware that silk print stores did panties as well. "I take it you're excited for our new arrivals?"

Mari punches the air for emphasis. "Shit yeah I am! Just thinking about it makes me...you know."

"Firsthand, yeah," Mana winces. "I'm surprised my superiors didn't try to prevent the old man from getting both Evangelions so quickly. You'd think they'd be more worried about Ikari having five units."

"Maybe they've gotten it through their thick skulls that you can't send men to do a girl's job?" Mari rocks back on her heels, hands behind her head. "Or maybe Ikari's had them all taken care of, gangland style." She bemusedly blows at a stray lock of hair.

"Ikari's not stupid enough to do that." Oh god he might be crazy enough to though. "Besides, we of the JSSDF make proud and professional redshirts, and you can't fight a battle without redshirts. NERV needs us." No they don't, we're completely ineffectual. That's why I'm here, I want to be a mauve shirt at least.

"Eh, s'not my problem," laughs Mari. "As long as they point me at the things that need to die, I'm cool."

"Your insatiable bloodlust is a real credit to morale," Mana quips, oozing sarcasm. She gets a downright feral grin in response.

"Now isn't it just?"

Ritsuko Akagi was getting very sick of the opening paragraph structure of this chapter. Wait, strike that. Ritsuko Akagi was watching a pink and blue haired blasphemy against logic pull a Rickenbaker base out of her forehead. The implications of a walking portal to the Dirac was bad enough when Ayanami had it, but an unknown and unknowable bootleg? It was enough to make a girl take up smoking, she thought, taking her umpteenth drag.

"Okay, Liao, since the MAGI is screaming at the impossibility of what you just did, mind explaining to me how you did that?"

"I just think really hard about something and reach inside," Liao says with a blank expression. "It's just , y'know, a thing I can do." A thing she can do that, for safety's sake, has her in the same containment chamber they tested Unit 00 in. One can't be too careful.

"That's nice, but I need more information than that sweetie," Ritsuko says, with a hint of false sweetness. Her voice slumps into a mutter. "Have to keep up the appearance of empirical study at least." She turns to the monolithic monitors that have been keeping her company for the past few weeks. In their glossy reflection, she sees new creases and brown streaks of hair. The weeks have been hitting her like decades, but that's to be expected when the concept of sleep dies in the same gutter as sanity. She looks like her mother, or her mother if she were an over the hill hooker. So she looks like her mother, she thinks with a snort.

Noticing that she's not currently the center of attention, Liao reaches into her chest and pulls out a chocolate heart. She holds it high, presenting it to the good doctor with a goofy smile.

"Look Ritzy, I'm giving you my heart!"

"That's nice," Ritsuko says, not taking her eyes off her reflection.

Liao pouts, stray hair twitching in annoyance. "Riiiitzy, you're not looking!" She snarfs her chocolate heart down in a gulp, cheeks puffed up. "Bet you can't eat your own heart out."

"Alright, this is like beating my head against a brick wall. Liao, you can come out now, we've got to get you ready for synchronization with Unit 03."

The squee that emanates from the bootleg Ayanami could be heard throughout NERV headquarters. If she hadn't been quick on the speaker button, Ritsuko would have been deaf for weeks. She cradles her head in her hands, her cigarette's cherry singing stray strands.

"Times like this, I wish I were still Tang."

"Has anyone seen Bardiel? Bardiel? Bueller?" Kaworu Nagisa was not feeling this shit. It was time to talk tactics with his children, which was a lot like trying to teach cats Calculus. Without a little bit of Absurdium and the foreknowledge of the MAGI system Iruel kept, he would have had to force the tactics into each Angel's mind. Luckily, being evolutions of humanity meant that big screens with shiny things kept their attention well. He sat in front of the supercomputer that was now the Angel of Terror, charts and maps strewn across its monolithic monitors. ADAM, this was going to be a challenge.

He heard snickers that growled like hungry beasts, causing a tic to mar his placid mask. It was bad enough that Zeruel wouldn't shut up about his perceived sexual orientation after the previous mission failed. He spent the better part of an eternity arguing the merits of his methods over the "Kill 'Em All" paradigm. It was a perfect plan, he thought; with nobody else to turn to, the Ikari boy would have buddied up to a cactus if he thought it would acknowledge him. The plan was going off without a hitch, up until the getting crushed thing. Why would he choose life, after it kept kicking him in the balls? He runs a hand through his luscious hair, drawing stray sparkles as he stares out at the Earth.

"Alright kids, gather around. Daddy ADAM's gonna teach you how to sequence break."

"Is that some new euphemism for homosexuality, Tabris," rings out a voice like peals of thunder.

"Me dammit Zee, we went over this. I told Lilith, I told the Ikari boy, and I'll tell you for the UMPEENTH TIME." Kaworu's form flickers with untold energy, his eyes burning red voids. "I. Am. NOT. GAY." His form grows giant, awesome and terrifying. "I AM ADAM, HE WHO CAME BEFORE. I AM BEYOND THE LILLIM'S CONCEPTS OF SEXUALITY!"

"And I'm a Robeast," Zeruel rumbles. "You're just a deviant, _father._"

Kaworu deflates, folding back into his waifish form. "I'm going to enjoy making you into a moeblob Nephillem," he mutters under his breath.

"Wait, what?"

Kaworu puts on a sickly-sweet face, "Oh, nothing." He coughs, returning to a serious demeanor. "Okay, we'll find Bardiel later. Now, the Lillim have begun to learn from their cycles, as the superior species, you must do so as well. Sachi, Saha, you two are going to be our shock troops. You shall work together as one, and retrieve the First, Second, and Third Child by any means necessary."

Sachiel and Sahaquiel warble in assent, saluting their father with glowstick appendages. They knew they would not fail; the Third Child just got lucky those two times. The First and Second were inconsequential; it was common Adamite knowledge that Japanese women were weak to tentacled beings. Zeruel chuckles crackling portents of doom in the background.

"You're too soft Tabris-"

"ADAM"

"'Tabris. If you really wanted to win, you would just send me down to wreck shit. In fact, I would end this in an instant, if I cared." Zeruel pops its neck, turning its faceplate in strange angles. "It's just amusing to watch you fail."

Kaworu lets that one roll off his serene countenance. He smiles warmly at the strongest Rejection type. "Are you sure that's the reason? I distinctly remember a certain one of my children torn limb from bloody limb by the Third Child." A subtle shift in expression turns his sweetness sinister. "Or perhaps it was that child thoroughly enjoying being a large, nude Ayanami in the embrace of the Third..." A wounded roar resounds into space, as Zeruel lashes out with twin limbs. They are harmlessly held in place with a finger. "Now now Zee, such a temper is unbecoming."

"Suck it Tabris!" Zeruel bellows, loosing a barrage of high-energy blasts directly at his father. The aftermath can be seen from space. As can Kaworu's smugness as the dust clears; a little bit of dirt on his shirt the only sign of an attack. He tilts his head, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"Are we quite done?" Defeated grumbles. "You're far too old to have temper tantrums Zeurel." Kaworu brushes dirt off his shoulder. "So, where was I? Oh yes, I wish to recover the Children with as little incident as possible, but if you must, I allow you two to create one." The temperature in the room drops a few degrees. "We are rebuilding, after all." Shivers run through the spine analogues of Sachiel and Sahaquiel; they didn't think the vacuum of space could get much colder. A silent moment passes, then a ding turns all eyes to the screen. A logo supersedes the previous data, a crucifix encased in a crossed out circle.

"Uh, boss? I think we found Bardiel," Iruel says through his own personal speaker system. "You're not gonna like this." A familiar image hits the screen and Kaworu's smile turns upside down. A sad sparkle falls from his scalp as a single eye opens up red void.

"Oh, fuck me-"

"-sideways and call me Yurika, this is going to be awesome!" Misato Katsuragi is already 40 ounces to euphoria, front and center to what serves to be a battle for the ages. Evangelions 03 and 04 were about to perform a mock battle; get the new pilots ready for combat outside of simulations. There weren't any odd weather conditions this time and Shinji was in the hospital, so she didn't have to worry about anything unseemly happening. Finally, she'd get to see what the Americans could do with proper conditions.

"Alright Fourth, Seventh; this is a combat drill, not the real thing. We've put safeties on your machines so you don't tear each other limb from limb." Ritsuko glares sideways at the image of Mari on her viewscreen. ""Don't". I know you're unfamiliar with the term Illustrious, so I'll say it again. "D-O-N-apostrophe-""

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you," Mari says flippantly. "It's always "Illustrious, don't tear apart the city," or "Illustrious, how did you start that fire," or "Illustrious, stop making orifices in the Angels to violate". I've got the message already Blondie, shit."

Misato stifles a chuckle with a swig of her bottle. "Cute kid."

"About as cute as a rabid pit bull." Ritsuko turns to the other pilot on her screen, the sheer exuberance of the pilot almost making her gag. "Okay, Liao, this is the big time and I want you to be a big girl. Play nice with Illustrious, and if she starts being mean," Ritsuko bares her teeth in either a grin or a snarl, depending on your mood that day. "Show no mercy, like I taught you."

The knockoff Ayanami salutes, pupils blooming into a flower pattern. "Yes Mama Ritzy!"

"Mama Ritzy?" Misato snerks.

"Shut up, Katsuragi," Mama Ritzy croaks through gritted teeth. "Now Liao, what did I tell you about saying that in polite company?"

"Sorry Mama Ritzy. Oops, I mean sorry Ritsuko."

"Eh, close enough. Cordon off the sparring section! Begin the operation!"

"That's my line," Misato pouts, staring down at her bottle.

This was so exciting, Liao thought. She was finally going to be a hero, get to defend the Earth from its enemies. She already kicked reason to the curb a long time ago, and now it was time to go beyond the impossible. Now all she had to do was watch the pretty colors and fly on sparkly fairy wings into Ayanami onee-chan's face and-

"Sync Ratio on Unit 03 inverting!" Makoto Hyuuga, designated bearer of bad news shouts.

"Entry Plug far beyond contamination threshold, contact with the Seventh Child has been lost," Shigeru Aoba says, completely unsurprised. "Raise your hand if you didn't see this coming."

Cigarette and lighter fall from Dr. Akagi's hands as she stares dumbly at the massive fuck-up transpiring before her. She needs a patsy, or at least someone to hit. "Maya?"

"Y-yes, Ritsuko-sempai?" Maya squeaks.

"Who delivered Unit 03 to us?"

"The JSSDF, ma'am."

"And when they delivered it to us, did they happen to check for any Blue patterned material?"

"I-I don't think so." She flinches, Ritsuko-sempai's going to hit her again, she just knows it.

"And did you happen to check for Blue patterned material, seeing as how Unit 03 has been infected almost every time?"

"Ritsuko-sempai, did you?" Clever girl. She'd have to do something about that later. Hopefully the Liao girl didn't communicate any strange Angelic diseases onto her ropes.

"Now if I had done that, we wouldn't be having this discussion, now would we Maya? Katsuragi, if you're still conscious, do your job."

"Huh, whuzzah?" Misato grunts, blinking away some of the haze. "Oh, yeah, this. Dammit." With a few deep breaths, she sobers up enough to appear competent. "Alright Mari, we're taking the limiters off. What you are fighting is no longer Evangelion Unit 03. It is Bardiel, the Thirteenth Angel. I want you to kill this thing so hard we never have to see it again in any cycle, got it?"

"What about the bootleg?"

"Liao can handle it," Misato says, a fierce look in her eyes. "She's a big girl after all, yeah Ritzy?" The middle finger in her direction is proof of her verbal victory. She laughs and takes another swig. She was promised a fight and by God she's going to get one.

"Understood." Mari bites her lower lip in excitement, glasses glinting. She fiddles with the controls, making sure everything is in its proper place. Her toes curl, every moment filling her with emotion like a dam about to burst. Hot damn, she's always wanted to try girl on girl.

"Time to pop that cherry, bootleg."

"So, uh, yeah. I know the Bardiel fight is cool and all, but why didn't you stop the test?" Mana says, her voice echoing in the empty Central Dogma chamber. "I mean, I could have told you that the higher-ups were planning to do something like this, a little tit for tat for the JA Project. Being caught flat-footed isn't really your style." Ugh, the glasses thing. Shinji wasn't kidding when he said that was creepy.

"Miss Kirishima, whoever said I was being caught flat-footed?" Fuyutsuki looks over at his delinquent pupil, suddenly reminded why he never sold him up the river all these times. Drunken punk or no, Gendo Ikari was a very scary man when he wanted to be. His flat eyes set dead level on Mana, drawing a little whir from tensing machinery. Damn he loved the glasses trick, the look that turned him from a man into a monolith. Even with his hands tented under his nose it was all he could do to hide his widening grin. The Thirteenth Angel's warbling cry added more drama then he could have hoped for.

"Everything is going exactly according to the scenario."

{to be continued}


	10. Minor Threat

Hospitals. The same hospital. Always the same hospital. The last stop before crazytown, before everything goes Tang-shaped. At this point, death would be a release; one he never quite gets. Death is too good for him, he thinks; gazing impassively at the lump in the lone hospital bed. He knows what he's supposed to say here, and he knows that it won't do him any good.

"Help me." Nothing. Of course there would be nothing, she's in a fucking coma. She's dead to the world, at least for the present moment. He says it again, to no response. Tentative steps to the side of the bed, to his broken idol.

"C'mon, crack a joke. Tell me I'm stupid, get angry." He reaches out a hand, freezes. She's untouchable. "Do something." He has to, it's written in stone. Or at least, in paper and ink. He grits his teeth, balls his fists.

"Help me. Save me." He looms over the girl, now standing strong over his tormentor. He finally has social control in this situation, not that it makes him feel any better. He feels sick, looking down on the doll wearing his comrade's face. Her hair, once a burning red, has faded and frayed to dry blood. Blue eyes glassed over like fine china, infuriatingly fragile. This isn't right. It makes him angry in her stead. Dammit, this isn't right. He should be the one numb to sensation. This isn't right. How come she gets to die?

"Why won't you help me!" He grabs at her shoulders, no longer afraid. "Save me dammit!" With a jerk, he pulls her towards him, pulling off the sheets. He stops; dumbstruck. The Holy Grail is staring him in the face. Soft, white, pert, and wholly unearned; they're what he's always wanted to see. Not like this though, for the love of God not like this. His breath catches in his throat, he almost heaves. There's an uncomfortable stirring in his loins, an urge that needs to to be sated. He wants it, wants to be her Prince Charming, wants to make a grim fairy tale. He sinks over her, hands firmly planted on her breasts. They're everything he dreamed they would be. He wants more, craves it. His hand skitters down her chest, down to her stomach. Her skin is warm, creamy smooth. Just a little bit further.

No. That's enough of that.

Anger, disgusted anger flares up inside him. He bites his lower lip, burning tears rolling down his cheeks. He growls, nails digging into the flesh of his palms. And he does what 85% of the Evangelion fandom has wanted to do since the show aired.

In this cycle, number [REDACTED] of [REDACTED], Shinji Ikari learns the joys of smacking a bitch up.

~!~!~!

"Oh man, I can't believe we got to second base! I'm so not letting you live that one down Shinjecchi."

"Wait, I'm punching you in the stomach, and you're disgusted about me copping a feel?"

"Hey, I probably deserved the punching; the groping is just perverse. And you were going to rape me too."

"Rape is a such a strong word Asuka, I prefer the term "unrequited heavy petting"."

"And you wonder why I say you're a sexual deviant. Bandages, comatose girls, like it when they can't fight back, huh?"

"Should we get back to the story?"

"Nah, I think this time I flip out and choke you, like in the manga."

~!~!~!

The spark of life flickers in the comatose girl's eyes. She processes feelings again. She processes pain. Heavy blows rock her abdomen, a precursor to her final sortie. A looping blow flies towards her face, and her instincts kick into overdrive. She tilts her head to the side and snakes her arm under the blow. Her hand wraps around a scrawny neck, and she smiles. The more things stay the same, the more things change. Like a zombie, she rises up from the bed, her bangs casting malevolent shadows across her face.

"You didn't call me a doll this time."

~!~!~!

"Fuck yeah, even comatose I can kick your ass!"

"I wake you up without relieving myself sexually and you thank me with a hand around my throat. That's a pretty good explanation for our relationship."

"Hey, choking is how I show affection. Choking and emasculation. It's the tsundere way."

"Can we get on with the actual plot now?"

"You mad, Shinji?"

~!~!~!

**Track 9: Minor Threat**

The roar of a compromised Evangelion unit is an interesting thing. Think the sound of nails on a chalkboard, mixed with a Wookie battle cry, multiplied by the auditory equivalent of Mike Tyson biting your ear off. Now imagine that, but while you're in the bathroom, relieving yourself. That is where we find Touji Suzuhara, on-again, off-again Fourth Child and one of the few people to survive Yui Ikari nee EVA-01's fits of pique.

"Oh man, that feels good."

"You shouldn't hold it in like that Touji," his bespectacled beta male friend quips. "Bad for your bladder. Makes it harder to get it up later."

"Like you'd know anything about that," Touji says in a huff.

"You wound me to the quick, senora," Kensuke says with a grin. "Just looking out for Horaki's...I mean your sake."

Touji looks down at the urinal: brain trying to processes of trying not to get a glimpse of wang, hiding his growing blush, and choking down the urge to knock his best friend out.

"Shut up 'Suke," he growls. His nerdy accomplice chuckles.

"You're too easy Touji, far too easy." He shifts his glasses up with a middle finger, for an instant the light catches them in an Ikariesque fashion. Somewhere, Gendo contemplates copyrighting that look.

"Besides, I wasn't even talking about pissing," Touji says into his chest.

"Of course you weren't. It feels good not to be strapped into Unit 03, you mean."

"Yeah. Kinda glad it's not me getting eaten. Having your entrails torn from you, even if they aren't actually your entrails, hurts like a bitch." Touji glances upwards and outwards, towards the sounds of the battlefield. "And I don't have to die this time."

"Which is always nice," Kensuke chimes in. "You think Sohryu drew the short straw again?"

"It'd probably be good for her," Touji spits. "Would take her down a peg or two."

Kensuke mouths a silent curse, losing precious control of his flow. "That's pretty harsh. You mad because she's more of a meathead jock than you are?" He glances at his athletic counterpart, lips curled upwards. "Or is it because you think she and Horaki are..."

"Shut up!" Touji snaps, staring dead at Kensuke. "Don't say that pervy shit about Horaki and Sohryu!" Kensuke keeps his attention on the urinal, his smile ticking up a notch.

"Why Touji, my dear boy," he says with mock sincerity, "whatever would make you think I was being perverted?" He's not going to get punched, as long as he's occupied with expulsion, he might as well have an anti-Suzuhara AT-Field up right now. "Although, she did turn to Horaki first when things went pear-shaped. You never know what a desperate girl would do for companionship, or a sweet Yamato Nadeshiko type would do to soothe a friend's hurting heart."

At this point, Touji's so red he could go three times faster and no one would bat an eye. He knows he can't do anything without violating Bro Code, so he settles for kicking over a trash can.

"Sometimes I hate you Aida. I hate you so much."

"Love you too Suzuhara," Kensuke says, sing-song as he finishes up. "Oh, your fly's undone." Touji's head snaps down so quickly you'd think he'd break his neck. When he looks back up, his vision is as red as his face.

"You're too easy, far too easy," Kensuke says with a chuckle. The punch to the face probably wasn't easy at all though. "Oh God, I think you broke my nose!"

~!~!~!

"Oh God, I think she just broke Unit 03's neck," Maya gulps, trying to hold back the urge to vomit. She had seen glimpses of the Fourth Child in simulations; the Marquis de Sade would have blanched. Seeing it in reality, however, was far worse.

"Remember Fourth, this is not a simulation," Ritsuko says, one hand running through her two-toned hair. "We have to pay damages if you break things," she groans.

Inside the Entry Plug of Evangelion Unit 04, Mari heard only the roar of the crowd. Blondie's words were like some buzzing insect, one she couldn't squash. The thing in front of her, that she could squash in earnest.

"Can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am," she pants, tossing her quarry around by the neck. With a whipcrack, she flings the Angelic unit into the ground, over and over again. The neck begins to stretch and extend like putty, and the other extremities begin to follow suit. With a skitter, it twists itself into a stable position, on all fours. It screeches in Unit 04's face as the body leaps behind it; garotting 04 with its own throat.

"Well, that's something you don't see every day," Misato says with a hiccup. "Mari, Prog Knife!"

"Got it!" she croaks, one hand around her phantom noose. A hip pauldron rockets the knife into Unit 04's waiting hand. She brings it forwards in hacking blows, ripping bloody chunks in the unit's neck. With a spurt of offal, she works the Angel's head from its shoulders. Both units fall back, the Angel screeching bloody murder on Unit 04's shoulder.

"Shut the fuck up already," Mari groans, stabbing the unit through its jaw. She ties the dangling head and neck behind her, tossing it back in a jauntily macabre scarf. As Bardiel reconstructs the head of its host, the first thing it sees is the insolent Lilim desecrating his former head. The gall of it makes him sick. With a mighty roar, it leaps, raking razor-sharp claws at Unit 04. Mari doesn't bother dodging, instead choosing to bring Unit 04's twin tonfas to bear.

"Mari, what the hell are you doing? Dodge! Fall back and keep it at bay with the Pallet Gun!" Misato grumbles, she didn't need another suicidal pilot; awesome though she may be. "That's an order!"

"Fuck your orders, I've got this!"

"Now is not the time for insubordination!"

"Just hold on a minute," Mari says, a look in her eye that is nowhere near sane. Unit 03 dives straight towards her, new set of teeth glinting wickedly in the noonday sun. She flips a single tonfa upwards, then punches straight into it's open mouth. The blow reverberates throughout the Angel's body, snapping its head back. With a cry, Mari wills her unit forward, Unit 04 breaking into a mad dash. A trigger on the console unleashes a burst of positron energy out the back of the Angel's head. It goes limp for a moment, but that moment is all she needs. She and EVA-04 leap, and land atop the battered Angel in a manner akin to a skateboard. With a whoop and a holler, she grinds its face against a building, riding it all the way down. In a sizzling crater, she sits atop the broken Angel, eyes gleaming. With frenzied intensity, she rains blow after blow upon any open bit of Unit 03.

"Come on, come on come on come on," she moans. "Make it interesting, make me feel something! Don't make this a one-woman show!"

"I...guess that works too," Misato stammers. "But it's still insubordination."

Ritsuko switches between staring in blank horror at the screen and glaring at Misato. She said this one was normal, that she didn't have the issues the other three Children had. She was right. The Fourth's were much worse.

"Fourth Child, leave something for us to analyze," she says in an authoritarian tone. She is responded to with a series of moans and squeals really only fit to be coming from Maya's mouth during their...experiments. She's a biological engineer, not a psychiatrist, but it's obvious that she's the only one sane enough to deal with these loons. Funny thing that, seeing as how she lost her sanity long ago, she muses.

"Fuck it, I'm done with this one," Mari pouts, punching a tonfa straight through the chest of what was Unit 03. "She's not doing it for me."

Misato sighs, using her bottle as a cold compress. "Mari, we're going to have a long, boring talk about the chain of command and child pornography laws when you get back."

"Yeah, whatever," she says flippantly. She turns away, Unit 04 putting a few shots into Unit 03 as a parting gift. "I didn't even pop once. I thought the Americans did things bigger and better?"

~!~!~!

Bardiel did not expect this. He did not expect this at all. Iruel had given him data on the attack patterns of EVA-01, a rampaging demon, the bane of all Angelkind. Iruel's data had done fuckall against one oversexed 16 year old and a pair of tonfas. This was unforgivable. Completely unforgivable. She had missed the core, so he could be rebuild. He could take her by surprise, wipe that smug look off her pet demon's face. He could-

"Heeeee~eeeey."

"Wait, this isn't a crossover," the bluish overmind projects. It turns its senses inwards, and is greeted by two red eyes, black flower petals honed to cruel points.

"This is my EVA Mr. Angel, so if you don't mind, I'll be taking it back now." Unit 03 sprouts a cancerous blue growth atop its head. "Also, would you happen to have anything to eat?"

"I have evolved beyond such trivialities as eating and why are you licking your lips?"

"Aw, that's too bad. See you next time!"

The last thing Bardiel senses are monomolecular sharp teeth digging into it, rending and tearing. It is the most familiar agony he has experienced. As his sense of self fades away, he is aware of one final thought.

"What the fuck is a 'Nonoriri'?"

~!~!~!

"EVA-03 is getting back up! The core has not been pierced!" Makoto Hyuuga pauses. "Wait, does that growth look like an ahoge to anybody else?"

Maya looks at it, tilting her head quizzically. "You know what, it kind of does."

Deep in the bowels of Central Dogma, a certain robotic soldier cannot believe her cybernetically-enhanced eyes. "Wait, what the hell?" Mana sputters, spraying the drink she was sipping all over the Supreme Commander of NERV. "It's not dead?"

"Of course not. Until you drenched me with bourbon that costs as much as your implants," Commander Ikari mutters, wiping the precious amber liquid from his face, "I was going to say 'Everything is going exactly according to the scenario.'" He cleans off his sunglasses with quiet intensity.

"You keep saying that, and I'm starting to think it's kinda bullshit." Even though my internal polygraph seems to be dinging true. "You can't just go 'Just as planned' to everything and have people consider you a magnificent bastard." She sits back. "Although, you do have the bastard part in spades already."

"But I assure you Miss Kirishima, this is according to the scenario. Does that growth not remind you of an ahoge?"

"Well yeah, but what does that have to do with..." Recognition dawns on Mana's face. "Wait, Liao's piloting Unit 03, right?"

A brief nod.

Mana smiles, half amused half scared. "Okay, if this works, you might just get that magnificent bit. Keep it up, and you might even get the coveted crazy awesome, like that other Gendo."

"Why Miss Kirishima, whatever makes you think that I am not magnificent?" The glasses glint again, his tented hands not even close to hiding the grin on his face. "And what made you assume that I was not already awesomely insane?" On the lavish internal display, the Angel formerly known as Bardiel roared in triumph.

~!~!~!

Inside of the Angel formerly known as Bardiel, Liao Rei squeed like a tweeny bopper with a non-threatening boy. She had a long chat with Unit 03 while the Angel was mucking about; the tonfa nearly splitting the core in twain had hit her spot for afternoon tea instead. Which made her sad. But then she got to learn that Bardiel tastes a lot like marshmallow fluff. Which made her happy again.

"Hey, boobie lady! Turn around!"

Inside her cockpit, Mari perks up; glasses sliding down her face. Is she hearing things? She gives a sideways glance over her shoulder, only to find Unit 03 back on its feet, with a long, saberlike protrusion sticking out from its head.

"Is that an ahoge?" She doesn't have much longer to further that train of thought, as Unit 03 has just grown two new pairs of arms with intent to add more hugs. You know, from the inside.

"Rar, I'm an Angel!" Liao roars in unison with her compromised mecha, dashing forth with all six arms outstretched.

Mari laughs, a deep belly laugh. Maybe this was going to be fun after all. "Alright Bootleg, let's pop that cherry for real."

{to be continued}


	11. SUPERNOVA

There are five things in this world that make life worth living for Mari Makinari "Motherfucking" Illustrious: sex, violence, music, violence, and sex. Riding the warmachine fulfilled four out of those five joys, she'd get Blondie to install a soundsystem in Unit 04 eventually. The excitement of risking life and limb, getting into fights where the fate of humanity is stake does it better for her than any porn she's ever seen. The adrenaline high kisses her just the way she likes it, with tongue and everything. It's just a shame that usually her partners don't give as good as they get; the few tastes she's had haven't lasted near long enough for her. She was starting to think she'd need multiple partners to really reach the stratosphere.

Six robotic fists flying at her a mile a minute, an "ora" a punch, made her think otherwise.

"It's useless Illustrious-sama!" a sketchy pink and blue bootleg beams over her display. The fists fly faster and at different angles. "Useless, useless, useless, mudamudamudamudamuda!" The strikes are a blur, pistons bouncing wildly off of Unit 04's AT-Field. Mari brings her hands up in a defensive stance for the first time in a long time, shaping the light of her soul into a battering ram. She kicks off with Unit 04's strength and pushes forward, bringing the re-appropriated EVA-03 off balance.

"But I said it was useless~," Liao whines to herself, swinging Unit 03 into a multi-armed cartwheel. Using the cancerous little idiot hair as a balance, she lashes out with an overhead kick. The leg goes rubbery and strikes like a whip, drawing sparks off of the approaching unit's field. 04 ducks the blow and brings up a tonfa, looking to break a joint. The leg swings around like a boomerang, aiming for a boot to the back of the head. It catches 04 by the neck, and Liao rolls into a backspring, punting 04 with 03's non-rubbery leg. Her Gum-Gum gam stays attached, stretching taut before snapping her forward at breakneck speed.

"Holy shit what?" Mari chokes, suddenly learning to fly with no wings. She rights Unit 04 in midair, just as Unit 03 flies at her, a grinning projectile. All six arms are out in a pantomime of flying, the saberlike ahoge directed straight at Unit 04's core. She brings a tonfa to bear, topside forward. With a little twist, Unit 03's pretty face meets the business end of a positron blaster. It goes slack again, and it's Mari's turn to wrap her legs around something. She shoves Unit 03's head between her legs, and piledrives it into the ground, spinning like a Russian cyclone. Shoulders hunched, eyes gleaming, EVA-04 howls in triumph.

"Shit yeah, that's what I'm talking about," Mari pants, glasses fogged up again. She licks her lips absentmindedly. "Wonder how wearing out Red would feel?"

"This isn't over yet!" Liao says over the commlink, far too chipper for someone who's just gotten piledriven into the ground from several dozen feet. Unit 03 rises up backwards from the crater, grinning face lolling on its rapidly-healing neck. Broken spine snaps back into place little by little as its arms hang limp. Still healing, it runs backwards towards Unit 04, limbs lashing out with wild abandon. Mari ducks and weaves; shooting at what she can and parrying what she must. A slight lull in a swing allows her to step into Liao's attack, bouncing it off of the off-hand tonfa. She rakes face with a quick cross slash, sending it reeling.

Rolling with the blow, Unit 03 jumps back, twisting into a knee strike. The shot bounces off of a hastily-brought up AT-Field, but leaves ankles exposed for Liao's mischievous hands. Three hands apiece grab onto Unit 04's legs, and momentum does the rest of the work. Skittering like a spider, she flips onto Unit 04's back, grapevining the legs into a devastating submission maneuver.

"Ring the bell, Vince!"

Mari tsks, lifting herself up on Unit 04's hands. She curls into a ball and rolls through the move in a textbook counter, loosing herself from the crippling hold. She ends up on top again, like she always does. With a flourish of her tonfas, she jams both into Unit 03's chest, emptying six rounds apiece. The carapace cracks, shatters, gets blown to pieces; pink fleshy bits struggling in vain to repair the damage.

"Uh uh," Mari coos, "I'm taking your cherry and there's not a damn thing you can do about it." She spreads the rend in 03's chest wide, pulsing and squishy from reconstruction. With reckless abandon, she shoves a hand inside, drawing a sickened gasp from Maya and twin snerks from Misato and Ritsuko.

"So Ritzy, if we show this on the internet, would we go to jail?" Misato asks, slumped over the Commander's desk.

"Technically this isn't sexual," Ritsuko replies, "Although it is rather pornographic."

Maya groans, wondering why she didn't pack barf bags under her console. "E-excuse me for a moment Ritsuko-sempai." Lightweight.

"Hey Aoba, would you think less of me if I said this was kind of hot?" Makoto whispers conspiratorially. Aoba barely glances in his direction.

"Not really, no. When you're at the absolute bottom, you can't really go anywhere but up."

"Awesome!"

Awesome was a good word to describe how Mari felt right now, she finally got to cut loose on something that just kept coming and wouldn't say no. Willing participants are the best to defile.

"Kyaah~," Liao mock-screams on Unit 04's viewscreen, "I wanted Ayanami onee-sama to be my first..."

"Tough shit bootleg," Mari says with a smile that would make Alucard proud. "This is the climax!" With a mighty roar, she yanks the glowing red core out of Unit 03, slick with questionable moisture. The mecha shudders then goes still, defeated. She gazes at it, transfixed. If she could figure out how it worked, she'd probably lick it with Unit 04. With a lustful exhalation, she begins to squeeze the core, the pressure coming to a head. It starts to crack, almost there, almost, wait. Why is it glowing?

Like a deranged baby bird from a blood-soaked egg, Liao Rei emerges from the crackling core. Dripping with LCL, orange and white plugsuit tattered and torn, she bounds up the outstretched arm of EVA-04. Stumbling and slipping, but still moving forward, she pulls a Rickenbaker bass from her forehead. Literally beaming with a smile a mile wide, she swings for the fences. A distinctive clang sounds across Tokyo-3, and Unit 04 crumples in a heap.

"Oh God, that was amazing," Mari moans with a shudder. "I'm gonna need a new plugsuit after this one." Liao chirps assent as her ahoge falls limp. She follows suit shortly thereafter; both pilots sinking into a contented unconsciousness.

**Track 10: Supernova**

"Pilot Sohryu, are you aware of the concept of the galge?"

"Of course I am Wondergirl, why do you ask?" Something about this smells fishy. "This isn't going to get perverted, is it?"

"Of course not," the Wondergirl in question responds, deadpan. "Pilot Ikari is the perverted one, isn't he?"

"Uh girls, I'm right here," a certain male buttmonkey chimes in.

"We know, Pilot Ikari. That does not mean we care."

Shinji deflates, wrapping the covers around himself tighter. "Just making sure."

"I have a theory I would like to share with you, Pilot Sohryu."

"What kind of theory?" a certain red-haired semi-invalid groans. "If it's about my repressed sadomasochistic tendencies again I swear to ADAM I'll break your neck like the first Dr. Akagi."

A certain blue-haired mass produced moe idol shudders. "You always use such...colorful epithets to show your displeasure."

"Yeah, saying 'I'll kill you' gets boring after the first twenty times you know," says Asuka, absentmindedly scratching at her injection wound. "Loses its punch against the Harpies too. Now, 'I'll kill you and fuck the corpse,' that's got some chutzpah."

"Or, 'I will skullfuck you with your own dick'," Rei says, innocently. Oh dear, she's sworn again. Nothing good can come from this, think the other pilots. Shinji preemptively places his pillow over his head, a futile duck and cover instinct.

"Jesus hell Wondergirl, don't say things like that!" blurts Asuka, hands shielding her face.

"Did it not have sufficient chutzpah?" asks Rei with an honest look of confusion.

"No, no, that's not it. It's just, when you swear, and when you say fuck especially, bad things tend to happen."

"Like Kaworu unleashing a romance explosion that by all logical measure should have killed us all."

"What McDumbass said."

"Oh," Rei says flatly, still not entirely sure of the gravity of things. "I was merely relaying something Pilot Illustrious once said. My eyes, as far as I can tell, are not those of Great Mother's. When I swear with Lilith's eyes, that is when to be worried." She pauses, "Honestly, whenever you see my eyes go black, you should worry. It would be a good way to prove you were still sane."

Shinji pulls his pillow tighter over his head. "So, every time we fight in the Evas, we should be wetting ourselves in terror?" His tone brightens, "That means I've been ahead of the curve all this time. Either that, or it's more proof that Asuka's been a crazy bitch from the word go," he says with a laugh.

"What are you, stupid? A true Super Robot pilot knows no fear!" Asuka gloats, puffing out her chest as much as she can without it hurting. "I apologize for nothing."

"Tabris's attack seems to have done more damage than I feared," Rei says gravely. She turns to Asuka, something like concern in her eyes. "Hello, I am First Child Rei Ayanami and this is Neon Genesis Evangelion. This is a Super Robot series in the same way that Watchmen is a superhero story."

Asuka flips her the bird. "I know that, schiessekoph."

"I just want to make sure," she says, still staring. "It would be a shame to lose you in another incident like Arael. Or that ironic parallel between you and your mother."

"What, you mean when we did that one where Stupid Shinji and I did it all the time?"

"You sound surprisingly not disgusted by that Asuka," Shinji says, honestly shocked.

"Oh no, I still like to pretend that cycle didn't actually happen, and was a karmic punishment you forced on me during the part we were all Tang." She places her hand over her mouth, snickering. "As if I'd ever have sex with you."

"...I'd have sex with you, Pilot Ikari," Rei whispers to nobody but the shippers. As such, she is promptly ignored.

"You see Asuka, this is what a less scrupulous man would call 'Asking For It'."

"Yeah, but you have scruples, so the only things I have to worry about popping my cherry are beams of light and Kaji."

"And a futanari version of me."

"And a futanari version of Rei." She falls back into the pillows with a whumph. "And I'm going to make that last one happen."

It is Shinji that is the first to catch the time honored tradition of disrupting a person's speech for humorous effect. The thought of the act stains his white linens red with pervert's blood. He coughs and sputters, as Asuka slowly burns equally red.

"Wait, what? WHAT?"

Ayanami smiles, eyes half-lidded. She pantomimes shooting her punchline with a finger pistol, which, given the amount of AT-Field fuckery she's capable of, could actually wound somebody. "Gotcha, Pilot Sohryu." The smile grows just a little wider, "It's okay, people are strangely attracted to the combination of myself and phalli. It's pretty cute, so I would allow you to call it Rei-chan, if you so desired."

Caught between murderous rage, deathly embarrassment, and the urge not to burst out laughing at the doll's new sense of humor; Asuka contents herself with screaming into the pillow.

"Oh dear, we have gone on quite the tangent," says Rei, suddenly remembering her original topic. "As I attempted to posit earlier, I have a theory on our cycles. They seem to be caused by the attempts and failures of our male protagonist in finding Complementation."

"But Rei, I'm not an Angel. And we learned that not just any form of ADAM/Lillim connection creates Complementation a while ago," Shinji says with a shudder. "Kaworu taught me that the hard way."

"That is not exactly what I meant," Rei says thoughtfully, "Although you could learn from Nagisa's techniques. The Complementation I speak of is a physical and emotional one. In short, Pilot Ikari," she says, eyes turning black, "You must make **babies**."

"Babies?" Shinji replies, exasperated.

"Ahem, that's not right. Great Mother's biological clock is always ticking; if it weren't for the medications Dr. Akagi gives me I would be what you would consider a 'Sexual Tyrannosaurus', I believe the term is?" She blinks, black shifting red again. "You must connect. Connect to as many people as you can. That, is how you achieve Complementation, and with it, happiness."

"What is this, Persona?" Asuka scoffs, "You shouldn't need anybody or anything to make you happy other than yourself."

Rei coughs, and when she speaks again, her voice is a pitch perfect match of Asuka's. "He wouldn't even hold me!"

"Goddammit Wondergirl."

"Mama, you were with me the whole time! I'll always be okay, as long as you're with me Mama."

"Alright, alright, fuck," Asuka cries. "I'm a huge hypocrite, I get it." She crosses her arms, sulking. "Still sounds stupid though."

"That's because you did not let me finish. For example, the problems of the first cycle came from a systematic loss of everyone Pilot Ikari cared about. If Supreme Commander Ikari-kun-"

"Ikari-kun?" both gasp. There are just some people who shouldn't have some honorifics applied to them.

"Yes, I have a respectful affection for the Supreme Commander," she states, daring either of them to make a RealDoll joke. "It is normal between family members. Despite what you may think, I am that: nothing more, nothing less. It is that which put the final nail in the coffin of Pilot Ikari's attempts to connect to anyone; in my trepidation for ending existence I failed to acknowledge him in his bleakest moments. When I attempted to rectify this, he was too far gone." She tilts her head. "That, and being a giant nude mother figure attempting to absorb him into the womb of humanity probably overloaded his Freudian circuitry."

"But I got over that," Shinji responds. "Sure, I went bugfuck insane for a while and my ass fell asleep from sitting on that metaphorical chair for hours, but I got over my mother complex. There was symbolic birthing and forehead vaginas and Asuka choking and everything."

"He's got a point," Asuka says, rubbing her throat sympathetically. "You just shifted your slavish dependence to me though, thus, 'how disgusting'."

"I thought you said 'I feel sick'?"

"That was off-screen, after you stuck it in," Asuka recalls. "And then you said 'Oh baby', which was just weird."

"Ahem. You had failed to complete all the proper flags for both Pilot Sohryu and myself, thus the bad ending. When the You Who Was Not You attempted to rectify this in the parallel universe, you successfully completed the Sohryu Route, no thanks to the Sohryu Who Was Actually Our Sohryu, I Think." She takes a deep breath, worn out from so much exposition. "However, in neglecting the flags for myself and Captain Katsuragi, you left much to chance. If it weren't for tighter NERV security keeping Inspector Kaji alive, and for the Me Who Was Either The Second Or Third, It All Blurs Together's almost slavish devotion to upholding promises, we would have ended up dead or worse. It is one of the only cycles where I self-terminated, if you remember."

"Yeah, I could have done without seeing that," Shinji remarks. "Although you trying to be more like Asuka was cute, up until you made yourself taller."

"Quite. I still have those blue eye contacts and red hair dye, if you so desire. I can even affect the stutter of the Asuka Who Did Not Die that you liked, l-l-like so," she finishes, her voice a less confident permutation of Asuka's Germaricanese brogue.

Shinji mumbles and blushes, curling inwards to hide his experiments in thermal expansion. His sister/cousin/mom couldn't be this cute. Or unnervingly willing.

"Uh, Wondergirl?" the Asuka who isn't dead yet responds. "Girl you're trying to replace, right here."

"I know that, Pilot Sohryu. I also do not care," Rei says, continuing without missing a beat. "I have posited that, in order to ensure everyone's happiness, and more importantly, their mental well being, you must go for the most sacred of galge achievements."

Shinji's eyes go wide. He has a feeling where this is going, and he has a feeling of where Asuka's foot will be going if his feeling is correct.

"Ayanami, you can't possibly mean-"

She smiles, a truly warm and un-Rei-like smile. It would be adorable, if it weren't for the fact that both her eyes had gone jet black.

"Correct. A harem end."

~!~!~!

When Mari comes to, she's sitting on a metal folding chair. The room is pitch black, except for a blue spotlight upon her. Her hair is tousled, her glasses are on sideways, and she still has a far off look in her eyes; visions of dirty things dancing in her head. She's back in civilian wear, but the sweet smell of LCL still caresses her. She barely notices the sound of the door opening.

"Mari, Earth to Mari," Misato says, waving a hand in front of the girls face. "Come back to reality soldier." All she gets is a bubbling giggle and a sensuous twitch. "Wake up!" she says with a hard slap across the face. Mari's glasses go flying, hopping, and skipping across the floor.

"Ooh, I like it rough," she coos, still off in her own little world. She parts her lips, tongue slithering out. A blast of cold water gives her a money shot with a wholly unexpected liquid. "Not that rough!" she sputters, eyes rapidly focusing.

"Alright Mari, your little wet dream over?" Misato says cheerily. Mari nods, with more than a little shame. She couldn't stand to look uncool towards her newest female idol. "Good. Now, I like your enthusiasm girl, but you have to learn a little thing called 'tactics'."

"I have tactics," Mari says flippantly, "I hit the thing with the other thing until it dies. Works well enough."

"Yeah, that's not what we call tactics," Misato snarks, "That's what we call 'being criminally insane'." She crosses her arms over her chest, summoning authority. "It works as a solo act, but if you keep acting like Kamina, you're going to end up dead like him. We don't have spares of you like we do Rei, you know."

"I won't die," she says, barely more coherent than a growl. "I'm too awesome to die."

"You know, I remember a hot-blooded foreign girl who thought the same thing," Misato says, almost sing-song. Her demeanor turns deadly serious as she stares right into Mari. "She ended up a vegetable. Then, right when she thought she was on top of the world, the invincible Angel of Death, she ran out of power. They ate her alive, Mari."

She meets Misato's gaze, defiance hard as steel. "Your point being? I'm better than Red, I'm better than the wimp and living dead girl. I was born to do this. I'm Mari Makinari Motherfucking-"

"What you are right now is a two-bit Asuka with a violence fetish," Misato snaps. "And you're going to down that same spiral if you don't get some common sense through that thick skull of yours." She kicks over the chair, sending Mari to the ground in a heap. She crouches over the prone pilot, grabbing her attention with a fistful of hair. "Illustrious. Listen. To. Me. If you are going to continue to be a suicidal idiot," she says as pulls out her holdout, "Then I will save us all the heartbreak and give you your hollow point pension plan right now." The barrel's click rings out through the room in forceful punctuation.

"Come on little Missy," Mari moans, that heat spreading through her body faster than ever before. "You've whipped it out, now let me see it." Misato obliges her, the cool steel of the barrel kisses Mari's forehead like a proud father. She tilts her head up towards it, licks the underside of the grip, traces circles upon Misato's palm.

"Oookay," she says, thoroughly confused. "You're fifteen flavors of fucked up." She pulls the gun away to wipe Mari's saliva off of her hand. "Do we need to get you a hooker or something, because you've got some serious sexual issues going on here."

"The only thing you need to do is put that barrel in my mouth," Mari pants.

"Make that three hookers. And a Kaji." She sighs, holstering the gun back in it's sling. "The direct approach isn't going to work, so let's try talking."

"I was serious about the gun in my mouth Katsuragi," Mari says with a leering grin. "You got me so close too."

"Yeah, that's enough of that." Misato rights the kicked over chair, turning the back towards Mari. She slumps into it, arms draped across the top. "Alright, let's put it like this: using tactics is like using a sex toy; more fun for all involved."

Mari rolls over onto her stomach and gives Misato her utmost attention. "Go on."

"Now that I have your attention, I have a question for you." Misato flashes a devilish grin, body tensing. "What is most important in life, Pilot Illustrious?"

"Sex and violence?"

"Close, but no." Misato leans in further, excitement in the air. "It is to crush the Angels, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their piteous last moments on this Earth!"

"You know that thing about being close earlier, Katsuragi?" Mari says, barely able to mask her shuddering. "Scratch that. You owe me a new pair of panties. Nice ones."

Misato rocks back, runs a hand through her hair. She's not entirely sure whether to be relieved or disgusted. "Sure thing, but on one condition. Take care of yourself out there, okay?"

"You keep taking care of me like that, and I'll do whatever you say," Mari responds dreamily. Hot damn, she really is starting to love girl on girl.

~!~!~!

"What's the matter son, you look distraught," Supreme Commander of NERV and semi-magnificent asshole Gendo Ikari asks of his less lucrative progeny. "I would have thought being removed from the belittlement of the Second and the...tangents of the First would cheer you up." He pours his child two fingers of his finer brandy; the one that costs about as much as Kirishima's lower half. "Drink. It puts hairs on your chest."

"Father, I'm on enough painkillers to sedate Asuka," Shinji says with a sigh. "That's not a very subtle way of trying to get rid of me. We are in Central Dogma, after all; you could hide the body here and it'd never be found."

Gendo chuckles, somehow not losing the mask of implacability as he does so. "Ah, you know me too well, Third. However, if I honestly wanted to be rid of you, I would simply shoot you. We can make a surrogate by using the genetic material we've recovered from your many 'stress relieving activities'." The gagging noise that Shinji makes when embarrassed is so amusing. "Just because the First is infertile, does not mean we can't make progeny." He reclines in his opulent chair, trademark pose folded into one of deep thought. "The only difficult part would be convincing Yui that in this cycle we had two daughters."

"I thought the scenario was about giving me self-esteem, not trampling on it."

"It seems you are not used to my sense of humor, Third. That is a failure on my part." Gendo rocks back further, placing his feet on the mahogany desk. "I have been trying to impart the First with this sense of humor, to teach her interpersonal skills. I may need to speed up the timetable on that."

Shinji slumps, desperately trying to fight the mental image of a futanari Ayanami making Sohryu her bitch, as the cool kids say these days. "No, I think she's getting the hang of it," he says guiltily.

"That's good. Now, for the reason I called you here." Gendo picks up the filled glass, tilting it to his son in an offering. It is waved away, so he downs it with a shrug. "The Thirteenth Angel, Bardiel has been defeated. It had infected Evangelion Unit-03, and the Fourth neutralized the infection."

"You knew, didn't you? You knew that's how it always happens, and you did it anyway, didn't you?" Gendo nods, completely nonchalant.

"So let me guess, Touji's dead," Shinji says with a bitter note. "Or wait, maybe it's Kensuke this time. Or Hikari." He looks around with feigned energy. "I don't see Kirishima anywhere, maybe you stuck her in it to see if her mechanical parts would interfere with Angelic corruption?"

"I'm impressed. You managed to be completely wrong, what was that, four times in a row?" The light plays off of Gendo's glasses, as if laughing for him. "Who was your next guess, the Second?"

"...No," Shinji grumbles. It was going to be one of the Ree, then Asuka.

"Well, let me give you the proper information. Nobody died. We used the Seventh in Unit-03, seeing as how she was structurally the hardiest pilot we have. As far as we can tell from her testimony, she ate the Thirteenth Angel." Gendo pours himself another drink, his hand a blur as he imbibes the amber liquid. "She said it tasted like marshmallow fluff," he snickers.

"You probably did it as a fuck you to whoever made her," Shinji shoots back. "Or were you trying to start Instrumentality earlier, wanted to see if she had any Lilith in her?"

"Paranoia doesn't suit you son," says Gendo, amused. "Especially since you're so bad making the necessary crazy connections. I will admit though, the reasons for doing so were selfish. Do you recall a Mister Mordenschein, from one of the American branches of NERV?"

"Yeah, the one who was working on transplanting Evangelion consciousness into gynoid surrogates. Dr. Akagi kept calling him 'Evafucker' for some reason, and would never tell me why."

"Well that information is best left classified," Gendo coughs. He rolls his shoulders, suddenly aware that outside of a night in the gutter, he has hardly left his chair. "Anyway, his team were attempting to miniaturize an Evangelion. Evangelion units, as you know, are derived from Lilith. The Seventh is also derived from Lilith, and constructed in a manner similar to Mister Mordenschein's research. I assumed that with enough energy, and the proper psycho-biological stimuli, I could beat him to the punch. I was correct." He presses a button on his desk, bringing up a video feed to Unit 00's test cage. The ragged faces of Ritsuko and Maya greet him.

"Dr. Akagi? Maya? What's going on?"

"We're breaking new ground, that's what's going on," Ritsuko responds dryly. "We have developed the new era of anti-Angel combat cyborgs, the pocket-sized protector of Earth!" She steps to the side of the camera, giving a clear shot of the inside of the cage. With a tone somewhere between "proud mother" and "mad scientist", she reveals her latest flight of fancy. The camera pans down to focus on a certain Chinese knockoff in a white and red plugsuit; arms crossed over her chest with pride. A nameless wind blows her scarf behind her as twin wings of AT-Field fuckery unfurl. She smiles like a kid in a candy store, the insides of her pupils glowing twin white lights.

"Presenting the New Century's Woman, Evangelion Mark 07!"

Shinji and Maya stare blankly, but for totally different reasons. Maya's fangirlishness has shut her brain off from anything outside of how cool Ritsuko-sempai is. Shinji's, on the other hand, has merely shut down from the sheer illogic of the things his eyes were telling him. Behind him, Gendo smirks a fraction.

"Suck it, NERV-America."

It takes a few moments for Shinji's mind to reboot itself. "So, what you're saying is, you sent Liao out to pilot an obviously compromised Eva on the off chance that you could turn her into Buster Machine Number Seven?"

"Yes."

"And you used Mari as her second, who makes Mom look like Rei on a good day."

"Yes."

"And you didn't force Rei to pilot anything, not even as backup."

"She was injured, as you and the Second were."

"Why didn't you use the Dummy Plugs?"

"The Fourth didn't have performance anxiety as you do. I have other plans for them, as well."

"WHY?" Shinji blurts, the WTF-O-Meter redlining. "That's not bastardly at all! That's not logical, or twisted, or cold or anything! Why don't you make sense anymore?"

"I make perfect sense," Gendo says, demeanor cold, glasses solid white. Shinji slinks back in his chair, a few inches away from decking his daddy dearest one. The elder Ikari folds his hands over his mouth yet again, completing the effect. How he loved saying this next line. "It is all proceeding according to the scenario." Did Shinji just flurgen? Dr. Akagi never did finish that research on cycle bleed. He made a mental note to keep Ayanami away from sweets for the next few days, just in case.

Shinji cradles his head in his hands; only 16 years and he's far too old for this shit. "Just tell me what the scenario is, Father. Mom probably wouldn't mind me molesting my way to another Third Impact related godhood, and Rei wants it now so..."

Gendo cracks up, bellowing great peals of laughter. "You truly are my son," he says, adjusting his glasses. "I should buy you a pair of these. Makes you a hit with the ladies." He stands up, walks over to Shinji's side and places a hand on his shoulder. "Fine then. The scenario is to defeat the Angels, prevent Third Impact, and preserve as much mental health as we possibly can." He looks over to the viewscreen, to the sleeping Maya and the beaming Akagi, to the hyper-perky uber weapon he created on a gamble. He can't help himself but get overly dramatic at this point, he thinks, as he points to the sky.

"We're going to go beyond the impossible kid, whether you understand it or not."

{to be continued}


	12. Am I Confusing You?

Curtains rise on a new day in Tokyo-3, but down in Terminal Dogma the only light is that of technology. The pale blue glow of the Reiquarium casts a dour pallor upon the faces of NERV's crack science team cum lesbian pairing; Dr. Akagi and Nurse Ibuki. Dozens of blank red eyes watch intently as Akagi spirals further and further past the bounds of good sense. She looks upon them with a hangman's grin; grinding her trusty cigarette between her teeth. They wisely look away towards Maya, now the only hope for reason.

"Are you sure about this Ritsuko-sempai?" Maya asks, nervously clutching a sheaf of half-mad notes. "This has never been done before, in any of the cycles. And frankly, it makes no Eve-damned sense."

"You dare doubt my genius Recruit?" Ritsuko snaps, gesturing wildly. Her lab coat billows dramatically with the violent movement. Her hair, still unkempt, is now a two-tone blond/brunette combination. Stray hairs emerge like hungry tentacles. "Sure, I haven't slept in days, and mistakes have been made recently-"

"We lost half of the lower floors to the Dirac Sea, sempai," Maya squeaks.

"They were unimportant floors anyway," Ritsuko scoffs. "Besides, you have to break a few dimensions before you can make a SCIENCE Omelet." She coughs dramatically, "Where was I? Oh yes. Once the Big Zam is mass produced!"

"That's not right at all sempai," Maya says, waving her hands in the negative. "You were talking about mistakes being made."

"Oh," Ritsuko says slackfaced, "Right. Ahem. This is a triumph of techno-organic cognitive science! My mother would have killed fifty Ree for a chance at discovering this!"

"It worries me when you say things like that sempai, especially since you're their caretaker."

"They know I love them, in my own special way," she says as she gives the tank a sideways glance; honey sweet voice dripping with venom. "Isn't that right girls?" The Ree recoil, heads down, the closer ones attempting to float away from the scary lady that holds their lives in her hands.

Maya suppresses a shudder; she's already wearing the school swimsuit under her labcoat, and all the spinning she's had to do is making her dizzy. There's not much else she can do for Ritsuko that is fit to print in a proper Christian fanfiction. "Moving on, are you sure this is going to work?"

"Not really, no," Ritsuko says flatly. "Zeppelin had done some research on this in between making the Second such a charming little ball of anti-social personality disorder and being a huge bitch. The Americans managed to find an AI surrogate workaround with Units 03 and 04, but they don't perform nearly as well as the original three do." She takes a drag, gathering her thoughts. "In any case, those still need pilots. The Evas can think, our entry plug system just makes the pilots think for them."

"But the Dummy Plug system runs off of the same concept, doesn't it?"

"The alpha did, yes. It didn't work too well; EVA-01 and the MP series were as good as mindless. So, I gave them minds." Ritsuko crosses her arms, proud of herself. "This is something completely different."

"And completely insane."

Ritsuko shrugs, raising an eyebrow. Three monolithic screens turn on behind her, the backlighting casting Cagliari shadows on her. "Of course. It wouldn't be mad science if there wasn't a little bit of madness behind it. Wake up girls, meet your second mommy."

**Track 11: (Am I) Confusing You?**

Two numbers burn onto the leftmost screen in brilliant blue: 00. "Aw, but I don't wanna wake up yet! I had this wonderful dream where I just chokeslammed a giant kitten."

"Uh, Ritsuko-sempai?" Maya asks, fear creeping across her mind. "Why does she sound like those recordings of Rei as a little girl?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Ritsuko snerks. "Tell the nice lady your name now."

"Megumi Fubuki, the First Made. Got any sweets? Or orange juice? I don't know why, but I really want some orange juice right now. Maybe some Tang..."

"Don't mind her, she doesn't have taste buds," Ritsuko says, forcing a smile. "Yet."

The rightmost screen springs to life with burning red numbers: 02. "Ugh, the hell is it now Akagi?"

"Now Gertrude, show some respect," Ritsuko chides, the smile cracking a little. "I brought you back into this world, and I can take you out of it."

"You've said that so many times it's lost all meaning," the monolith groans. "And you know I hate being called Gertrude. Why couldn't I have kept Kyoko? It's so pretty and Japanese."

"Because if you had kept Kyoko, my finger might have slipped on the "total delete" button by now. Now introduce yourself like a proper sin against God and nature."

"Alright, alright. My name is Gertrude _Kyoko_ Shikinami, the Second Made. A pleasure to meet you."

Maya simply stares, bug-eyed at the monoliths. She's sure that one sounds like a younger Zeppelin-Sohryu. "You didn't!"

"What, make gestalt souls of the Children and their mother figures for use as expendable pilot surrogates?" Ritsuko blows another puff of smoke. "Of course not. Whatever would give you that idea?"

The middle monolith flickers on, purple letters almost embarrassed to be seen: 01. "Pardon the intrusion, but is it time for me to introduce myself Miss Akagi?"

"Huh, no. Go ahead," she says with a wave of her hand. Maya grits her teeth. If the first one sounded like Rei, and the second one sounded like Zeppelin, then why is this one a girl? A husky, cool, masculine sounding girl? Wait, Shinji sounded awfully feminine at times...Oh hell no.

"Um, my name is Ring Mao, er, uh, Megumi Ogata, wait no. It's Noriko Akatsuki, the Third Made. I hope I haven't intruded." She lets out a nervous chuckle. "Don't worry, I won't betray Konoha."

Ritsuko gives the middle monolith a pointed stare. "What did I tell you about making voice actor jokes, Akatsuki?"

"I'm sorry." If it were possible for a flat black screen to bow in shame, the middle one managed to do so.

"We're still working the kinks out of the Third."

"Yeah, she's a total nerd and stuff," the leftmost screen chirps.

"Although she has good choice in names. You've got big shoes to fill if you want to be a quarter as awesome as Takayama was, Third," the rightmost screen threatens.

"I'll try my best!"

Maya goes slack, dropping the papers she had been holding. She falls to her knees, head swimming with general what the fuckery. "I think I liked it better when you were a crazy cat lady."

"I'm better than a crazy cat lady now, I'm a mad scientist," Ritsuko says, gathering up her notes. "They're surprisingly similar though; instead of using cats as replacements for human interaction, I just make human-ish intelligences." She adjusts the stack and places it on a desk. "Much cleaner. Don't have to worry about the smell of cat pee."

Maya stands back up, a newfound courage in her breast. Someone has to save Ritsuko-sempai from herself. "Are you sure about this? I mean, developing artificial intelligence worked so well for your mother."

"Well, unlike her, I know how to keep my Yui-faced would be romantic rivals in check, thank you very much." A few Ree shove their way behind their brethren, fearing the worst. "So I don't have to worry about any crazy slipping into them, like with Unit 00."

"I thought that's where we put Rei I?"

"I didn't say it wasn't."

"What?" Maya takes a mental step back; trying to figure out what soul powered Unit 00 was the way of the otaku. That way lies madness. She rubs her temples, suddenly craving a cigarette even though she didn't smoke.

"Oh, we didn't tell you? EVA-00 has a veritable orgy of souls in her," Ritsuko says nonchalantly. "We tried one of my mother's cats to start, which didn't work too well," she says, counting off on her fingers. "Then they tried using Rei I because the Commander didn't want to let a perfectly good loli go to waste. When that wasn't enough, they stuck Mother in there. You'd be surprised how long a metaphysical concept stays alive after the host body dies." She paces over to the Reiquarium, leans against the glass. The Ree give her a wide berth, even though there are several plates of heavily reinforced glass between them and her.

"That's...horrifying," Maya gags. Oh why did she have to be bumped up to an important role in the story? It was much better when all she had to deal with was unrequited love and the occasional dry-heave.

"And that's not even the crazy part," Ritsuko says, amused at her underling's suffering. "They pulled a rib out of Lilith and put it in 00," she says with a chortle. "A whole rib! I don't even know why, it was Adam who begets Eve that way." She looses a dreamy puff of smoke into the air. "That's what you get when you have people who only understand Christianity through Zombie Jesus developing progenitor conspiracies."

"Oh man, that's just," Maya grasps at strands of sense, finding none. "My brain is full of fuck right now."

Ritsuko giggles, beckons Maya over with a curled finger. It's a pale imitation of the come-hither look she gives the Commander, but it'll do for now. Maya shuffles over, turning redder than Nephilim eyes. She stops inches away from her sempai, who closes the gap with a one armed hug.

"Welcome to my world, kid."

~!~!~!

"Sit! Stay! Good boys and girls!" The homeroom teacher of Class 2-A, a childish-looking woman with wavy brown-black hair, bright brown eyes and a neutral colored sweater addresses the class. When she flashes a broad grin, it looks like she could be Katsuragi's sister. "Now, who wants an Impact Snack?"

"Miss Tanizaki, they don't make Impact Snacks anymore," Shinji says sheepishly. "Not after they were shown to cause insanity in Nephillem and lab mice." Nobody notices Rei shiver with suppressed desire.

"You want me to give you another shiner, Ikari?" the teacher replies cheerily. Shinji shrinks in his seat; he's already been punched in the face by enough authority figures this week. Who would have thought that Father would have taken him laughing at the Gurren Lagann reference so poorly?

"No ma'am."

"That's a smart boy," Miss Tanizaki says, tossing a piece of chalk in her hand with bad intentions. "Alright, we have a returning student and a new foreign exchange student for you today, so be nice!" Her cheery face turns conspiratorial."They're hot too, so if you're nice they might give you their cup sizes." A chorus of deep snickers and high-pitched groans bubble from within the classroom. Content with her actions, Miss Tanizaki plops down in her chair and promptly falls asleep.

"So, which pilot is it this time Ikari?" Kensuke asks, materializing directly behind Shinji's shoulder. "Is it Nono, Mahoro, or Ninamori?"

"It's none of those," Shinji replies, the pain from the bruise on his cheek rapidly being overtaken by a massive headache. "What makes you think it's even a pilot?"

"When was the last time we had a new student come to Tokyo-3 without being an Eva pilot?" The Ikari scion raises a hand to protest, but stops dead when he can't recall any names. The too savvy for his own good military otaku's glasses glint in triumph. "That's right, you can't think of any!"

"You do realize that inquiring about classified information is forbidden, Aida?" Rei pipes up, still staring out the window. "If you wish to inquire further, I am obliged to inform you that I have the right to silence such targets with extreme prejudice." Her voice is soft and detached, like a severed finger.

Kensuke gulps, his dad did say that Ayanami got special privileges. "P-pilots aren't allowed to do that!"

"Pilots aren't," Asuka says noncommittally, "but Wondergirl's special. She's practically classified as an anti-personnel weapon." She glances over at said Wondergirl. "Isn't that right?" In response, Rei punches a hole clean through her desk. A few students flinch reflexively, but most of the class is used to things like this. Being the main character class in an anime inures one to such oddities. She flexes her hand and turns to Kensuke, one eye blackened.

"So, what would you like to know about the new students?"

"Uh, nothing," Kensuke says, white with fear and dripping red with more than a little arousal. "Absolutely nothing at all!"

"That's what I expected," Rei says, returning to the interesting sights outside her window. "Pervert." As if awoken by the word 'pervert', or more likely by the sound of a fey blue-haired girl punching through a desk that would work as a shield in a duck and cover scenario, Miss Tanizaki snaps back to attention.

"Bwuh? Are the new students here yet?" The class shakes their heads. "Oh balls, I forgot to tell them to come in," she hisses. "Oh girls," she lilts, "come introduce yourselves!"

The doors open, and in step the newest editions to the comedy of errors that is Class 2-A. Mana is the first one in, each step measured and proper. Mari is right behind her, working her walk like she's trying to get a modeling job. Or ride a pole. All eyes are upon the both of them: the female half measuring the new additions to their ranks, the male half trying to spontaneously develop X-Ray Vision. Mana blushes a little, not used to being the center of attention. Plastic surgery is great when it's on the military's dime. She snaps to a ready stance, a slight hiss of machinery causing her to blush harder.

"I know you haven't seen me in a while, and I apologize. My name is Mana Kirishima, and I am thankful to see you all again." She bows deeply, Asuka/Rei gestalt bangs hanging over her face.

"Wait, who?" a faceless student asks.

"I think she was that one really nerdy girl nobody talked to."

"I thought her last name was Fujiyoshi?"

"No, that's the one Miss Kurosawa blackmailed into joining the track team."

"I heard she ships Harry/Ginny."

"That bitch!"

In the position she's in, nobody can see Mana grimace. Was she really that unpopular before the accident? And who would dare besmirch her shipping abilities with such a base pairing? Real fans shipped Harry/Luna. She brings herself back up, presents herself in the most conciliatory manner she can. Straining to keep a smile and hold back the urge to rocket punch a ho, she shuffles to her desk with her head down.

"Wonderful," Miss Tanizaki says with her nose in a magazine. "Fish 'n' Chips, your turn." That gets some scattered giggles and titters. A single over-the-glasses glance at the crowd from Mari ends the merriment right quick.

"Fish 'n' Chips, don't think I've heard that one before." She adjusts her glasses and twirls on her heel towards the board. With a thrust of her hips and a flutter of skirt, she begins to write her name in big bold characters. Once finished, she steps back; framing her handiwork with interlaced fingers. "Beautiful."

"Wait, does that say what I think it says?" Miss Tanizaki asks, craning her neck to look at the board.

"Yep. My name is Mari Makinari 'Motherfucking' Illustrious," she says with the utmost confidence. She steps to the side to show off her handiwork to the class, written exactly as she said it. With a flourish, she puts her hands on her hips. "Any questions?" she asks; an eyebrow raised in challenge.

"Well, your English is good and you have a better grasp of Kanji than the last exchange student," Miss Tanizaki says, scratching at her scalp. "Welcome to class Miss Motherfucking."

"Good to be here." Miss Motherfucking sashays to her desk; giving every boy she passes a little show. She takes her seat with a flash and a plop; kicking her feet up like a delinquent.

"God, she's such a Sue," Asuka mutters under her breath. She may not be Irish, but she certainly was a green-eyed monster right now.

"Don't get salty 'cuz you're old and busted Red," Mari says with a wistful sigh. "Remember, you were the new hotness once upon a time."

"What does that even mean?" Asuka yells, slamming her hands on the desk.

"It means listen to the peanut gallery," Mari says, thumbing towards said gallery.

"Wooooow."

"What a slut," says a rational, if mildly jealous random female.

"I know! Isn't it awesome," her now bi-curious best friend responds, sparkles in her eyes.

"Oh god I'd hit that so hard whoever pulled me out would be the rightful King of England."

"I'd her glasses."

"I'd her everything!"

Mari reclines with a smirk, arms folded over her chest. "Deal with it." Not willing to start a fight so soon after being released from the hospital, Asuka has no choice but to do so. She turns away as if struck.

"It's okay Sohryu," Hikari chimes in, placing a motherly hand on Asuka's shoulder. She's just a wanton sexpot who's trying to rile you up. "Adolescents enjoy the exotic."

"It's good to see that someone here is still sane," Asuka replies, mood lightening.

Kensuke slithers beside his jockish friend, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "They're totally going to do it." Touji gives him a boot to the ass, which pitches him forward under a desk. Mari's desk. And with it, all the visions it entails. It's everything he wished it would be and more.

"Huh, looks like there's a little something under my shoe," says Mari, looking down her nose. "You saw, didn't you?"

Kensuke nods so hard it looks like his head is on a jackhammer. He grins stupidly, glasses glinting, mouth drooling. Mari perks up, adjusting her own glasses. She uncrosses her legs under the table, drinking in the unabashed perversion of the nerdy kid.

"D-do I have to pay for this?" Kensuke asks; the thin stream of drool now a raging waterfall.

"Nope," Mari replies, "First one's free."

"Praise Kamina!"

"Nuh-uh, you praise me," she whispers huskily; hiking up her skirt a little more. It gives the benighted boy a taste of the light. "Kamina might be your God, but my snatch is your savior."

"Y-yes Mistress Illustrious!" Not even five minutes into class and she's already broken somebody, the three Children and their robot buddy think. Aida's already kowtowing to her, kissing her feet as if she were some kind of queen.

"And you think I'm a masochist," Shinji says to Asuka.

"You are," she replies, "It's just you don't break as easy."

It's time for the Class Rep to do her duties; someone's got to step in before Aida does something untoward. Quietly, she rises from her chair and calmly walks over to the scene. With a quick whuff of breath, she grabs Kensuke by the neck and drags him away. He kicks and screams, but the Class Rep will not be swayed.

"Hey Suzuhara, do you have any more Duct Tape?" Wordlessly, Touji tosses her a roll. "Thanks." She puts Kensuke back in his chair, then tapes his mouth closed. With deft hands, she binds his feet to the chair's legs. Satisfied with her handiwork, she gives him a sweet smile. "Now remember the codes; blink twice if you have to go to the bathroom, okay?" Aida responds with a sad, muffled grunt. "Wonderful!"

"Damn Rep, you move quick," Touji says with a whistle.

"I've been practicing. A Class Rep's work is never done, after all." Not when ensuring the safety of humanity's last hope is a part of the job description.

"Was this class always so crazy?" Mana asks.

"We had hit a baseline level of strangeness," Ayanami replies, transfixed on a particularly fluffy cloud. "The addition of Pilot Illustrious and yourself have changed the dynamics of the classroom." A hair springs up on her head. "If this is too much for you, be thankful Little Sister was not allowed to come to school today."

An explosion rings out within the bowels of NERV. Amongst the smoke and rubble, Liao Rei sniffles.

~!~!~!

Curled up in a nice recliner, with a glass of orange beverage in one hand and a big hunk of Angel Food cake in the other, Kaworu watches the school dramedy with blank intent.

"So, how's the slice of life going?" A voice like a chorus of V-12 engines roars.

"Pretty well Zeruel, pretty Me-damned well."

"Can I kick their asses now?"

"No," he says flatly. "Our aim is to capture, not kill."

"That's your aim, because you're a pansy," Zeruel trills. "You know Sahaquiel left a few days ago, right?"

A blazing right eye cracks open. "What?"

"Said he was going to be a stunt planet in another production. Something about getting thrown at a giant space flea from nowhere."

"Oh son of an Ayanami!" Kaworu puts his head in his hands, a few sad sparkles falling like bitch tears. "Alright, send the other S one. Shamisen."

"Its name is Shamshel, boss," Iruel says, "You know, the bug with tentacles."

"Of course," Kaworu yells, slamming a fist into his palm. A sparkle bounces jauntily from his scalp. "Send it after the female pilots! We'll have Sachiel attack the compound; keep NERV distracted while Shamshel gets Urutsudoki on their asses!" He leaps out of his chair, pumping his fist in triumph. "This plan is perfect!"

"Uh, sure thing boss," Iruel says. If it had a face right now, it would be facepalming. "The Children are going on a field trip to Kyoto tomorrow, we can strike then."

"Perfect! I'm so devious," Kaworu says to himself, thoroughly enthused. He flounces around, striking poses and muttering about genius. In the background, Zeruel and Iruel trade disapproving looks.

"Hey Eleven," Zeruel whispers, the sound like an SUV running over gravel.

"Yeah Big Z?"

"I got next?"

"Sure, what the hell."

"Excellent." Iruel puts up the outline of a fist on a smaller display, with which Zeruel bumps a fistlike appendage. A chill wind passes through NERV headquarters as deep underwater, a familiar birdlike face cracks to life. Dim yellow eyes light up, gazing at the surface. He'd have a partner this time, that's never happened before.

Tomorrow was going to be the best day ever.

{to be continued}


	13. D is for Dangerous

At [REDACTED] High School, stories are told about one girl, one unassuming little pigtailed girl. They say how she was trained by Blackwater, how she made a deal with the devil and feasts on the souls of the wicked, how her father developed a method to kill people with moe manga. Two of those three are bullshit, finding the true one is an exercise to the reader. There's a phrase known amongst the children of Class 2-A, one that is repeated in whispers within school grounds. A phrase that really should have been told to a certain British Evangelion Pilot, before she ended up in the position she was currently in.

"Repeat after me: Don't. Fuck. With. Class. Rep." The girl on the ground grumbles, it's hard to talk with a foot in your ass and your panties in your mouth.

"I'm sorry Miss Illustrious, I can't understand you." Hikari says cheerily, leaning over with a hand cupping her ear. "It seems we must work on your diction as well as your manners." She walks over and crouches down in front of her, still smiling. "Now, you're not going to bite me if I take the gag out, right?" Mari nods affirmative. "Great." Hikari works the makeshift gag out of her mouth, shakes out some of the saliva.

"Thank you ma'am, may I have another?" Mari says, in between gagging breaths and spitting of various fluids.

"No, no you cannot," Hikari replies, putting a hand on her hip. "Discipline is not supposed to be something people want to receive."

"But I've been baaad," Mari pleads, rubbing against the Class Rep's leg. She gets kicked away for her troubles.

"Ugh, show some class," says Hikari as she tosses the strange girl her underwear. Usually when someone is shown up in front of the class like that, they don't become so affectionate. According to the dossier her father gave her (standard procedure for a Class Rep of giant robot pilots), the Illustrious girl had some issues with arousal attribution. It was helpful as a fighter, but awkward to see in action; having such a violent looking girl blushing and making kissy faces confused and disgusted her.

"Oh man, you just can't top Class Rep," a member of the peanut gallery whispers to a friend. It was almost a blur how Horaki did it; one moment the new girl was up in her face, the next she was arse over tit with her panties in her mouth and her cool cachet shattered. The shivering and moaning bit just made her weirder. Horaki stayed unflappable through the whole endeavor, a regular space battleship Yamato Nadeshiko.

"Yeah, I heard she defeated 108 other Class Reps to become the head Rep of Japan!"

"Dude, that's the Banchou organization, Class Reps are chosen by popularity contest."

The general chatter is rendered silent by a clearing of the throat. Hikari smiles to the crowd, all eyes on her. "Alright fellow students, I believe our new classmate got off on the wrong foot." She glances down at Mari, now blushing for a non-perverted reason. "I hope you can still receive her with open arms though!" The look on her face says girl-next-door, but the tone of her voice says obey-or-die.

Shakily, Mari stands back up; still a little Spaghetti legged from the ruckus. She wipes the mess off of her clothing and crosses her legs. A hot blush forces her cheeks into a nervous smile; kill-crazy bitch she may be, she is still a teenage girl.

"Eheh, sorry about that," Mari says, rubbing the back of her head. "I'm not used to dealing with things I don't want to bone, kill, or both. Like I said before, my name is Mari Makinari Illustrious. " She gives a little curtsy, "Pleased to meet you." The butterflies in her stomach start to fly away; how long has it been since she's had to be square? "Although, if you want, you can still call me Miss Motherfucking," she says with a small, yet fierce grin.

"That's probably as good as we're going to get," Hikari sighs. "Now apologize for trying to turn the class into an eroge."

"Sorry," Mari says, looking pensive for a moment, "old habits die hard." A few members of the student body pause at the implications of that statement, one Shinji Ikari included. A new wave of whispers gathers steam before getting cut back down to size by another throat clearing.

"Now, what have we learned today, Miss Illustrious?"

Mari bows her head slightly, gives Hikari a coy look. "Don't fuck with Class Rep."

**Track 12: D is for Dangerous**

"Aw what the hell Hikari," Asuka yells, pushing her way to the front of the crowd. "She's getting off way too easy!"

"That's the point Asuka, she gets off too easy," Hikari responds, noting the turn of phrase. "If I fought her full out, she'd ruin her clothing. It'd be indecent." She'd also probably enjoy it, which defeats the point.

"I'll have you know that when I put my mind to it, I'm a bloody marathon woman," Mari adds, bubbling emotion being smothered by a healthy fear.

"That's what I mean, everything's sex and violence with her," Hikari harrumphs, herding the rest of the class back into order. Asuka runs up to flank her, with Mari falling lockstep behind the two. "If I got violent, I'd only be feeding the beast. So I embarrassed her; no girl wants to lose face on their first day." She shrugs; the logic obvious to her. "Strike quickly, strike decisively, strike for the heart."

"Ooh, talk strategy to me more," Mari swoons.

"You see Sohryu," Hikari says, eyes closed, still chipper. "The easiest way to tame a wild beast," the air shifts, her aura turning malicious. She squints, her girlish face hard as iron, "is to show you're more dangerous than it." Both foreign Eva pilots shudder, but for completely different reasons.

"I'm surprised Ikari never chose you to be one of the Children," Asuka says with a slanted look. "You two have a lot in common."

"Why, an Evangelion pilot? Like the Supreme Commander? Little old me?" Hikari says sweetly, the picture of saccharine cuteness. "Now what would make you think of me doing things like that?" A safe distance away, her male counterparts looked on with rapt attention.

"Class Rep," gulped Touji.

"Sohryu," drooled Kensuke, glasses fogging.

"And Illustrious," Shinji gasped.

"Together," they said in unison.

"I do not wish to cheapen the power of it, but I feel I must swear," Rei says seriously. "All of you, and quite possibly the entire school, are right proper fucked."

~!~!~!

As the three girls congregated, the other children formed into their own separate cliques. Mana, however, ended completely detached from the general class makeup. She wasn't the most popular girl before, but it seemed as if the entire class had forgotten she existed. Knowing the JSSDF, they probably wiped her information from the school. Maybe she should change her name; Mahoro kept coming up and she kept smacking it back down. Damn that Aida and his GAINAX references.

"Um, Kirishima, you said your name was?" She turns around, snapped out of her daze. Standing in front of her were two girls that look like they were cut from the same cloth, or at least the same character model. Short, chubby cheeks, long hair; they were both the picture of total fangirls. Her kind of people. One of them wore glasses, thick ones; the other had dyed blue streaks into her hair.

"Yeah, that's my name," Mana says, stuttering. Finally, someone was paying attention to her.

"Hey, we used to hang out together; but it was in 2-F," the blue-streak girl says. "That's why nobody really knows who you were."

"Oh." How long was she under the knife? She brushes the scattered thoughts of those times away.

"Do you remember us?" the girl with glasses says quietly. "We used to be a circle: Beauty Mark Drei." Mana notices the small mole on the girl's cheek, and the matching one on the blue-streak girl. She touches her own face, rubs her mole, and she remembers.

"Oh my god, it's you two," Mana squees. "Izumi! Tamura! I'm so glad to see you again!" She hugs the both of them, taking care not to apply too much pressure. They dance around; you can almost see the hearts flying from their little love fest.

"So, what's it like being a robot girl?" Tamura, the bespectacled one asks.

"Do they really put the off switch down there?" inquires Izumi, cleft lip giving her grin a catlike quality.

"Kind of cool, actually," says Mana, "and no, Izumi, there is no off switch down there." Izumi lets out a disappointed groan.

"Can you at least launch oppai missiles? Or a rocket punch?"

"No to the first one and yes to the second, but it really hurts."

"Do you get to pilot one of the Evas?"

"Classified information." Izumi looks up at Mana, eyes sparkling with tears. She stands on her tiptoes, silently pleading for more intel. Tamura grabs her by the ahoge and pulls her back down to Earth.

"If she says it's classified, it's classified," Tamura says sternly. "Don't be an Aida."

Izumi pouts with mock horror. "Comparing me to Aida? Have you no heart woman?"

"Trying to grill secret information out of a friend you just saw again," Tamura chides, "have you no shame?" Mana watches the two girls go at it, smiling. It's as if nothing ever changed. It felt nice. If it were any other day, any other series, she would go off with them to have meaningless conversations. They'd talk about chocolate coronets and other such things; nice, fluffy things.

But this is Evangelion, we can't have nice things.

Case in point: Shamshel.

"Everyone, get to the shelters," Miss Tanizaki screams through a megaphone. "Except for the Eva pilots, we're going to sacrifice them to our new Angelic overlords!"

~!~!~!

On the main screen in the NERV war room, two familiar faces appeared in two different locations. For once, Gendo was in his seat atop the command tower, instead of drinking and muttering in Central Dogma. Hands at his side, slack-jawed, he stares at the imagery on the screen. Down below, the bridge bunnies were running through the motions; checking the MAGELING unarmed drone feeds, giving information to the impotent military on how not to die horribly. Everything was running smoothly, but that did nothing to assuage the Supreme Commander.

"Fuyutsuki," he asks, calmly. "What exactly am I looking at?"

"It seems as though there are two Angels this time, sir," the professor replies, rocking back on his heels.

"Maybe I misspoke," Gendo says, a little more gruffly. "Let me rephrase: what the fuck is this bullshit?"

"Not according to the scenario, sir?"

"To put it bluntly, no," he says, placing his forehead on his tented hands. "This is not at all according to the scenario." A volley of missiles impacting on the soap bubble of improbability that was Sachiel's AT-Field fills the awkward silence. Amongst the computers, Maya Ibuki moves through data like a hot knife through butter. Keeping after Ritsuko-sempai has made her cooler under pressure; once you're made to dance the School Swimsuit Cocks Dance for three gestalt personalities, not much else can faze you.

"We've got status report; the Third Angel is heading for NERV headquarters, as usual. However, the Fourth Angel is going to Kyoto."

"Maybe Shamshel is a Haruhi fan?" Makoto Hyuuga jokes to silence.

"Why the hell would it go to Kyoto?" Gendo grumbles.

"Ikari, your son is in Kyoto-2," Fuyutsuki reminds him. "As are the First, Second, and Fourth Children. And our liaison to the JSSDF."

Gendo's glasses slide off of his face slightly. He sags, staring up at Fuyutsuki's placid pose. "You were going to inform me of this when, professor?"

"I already did, three days ago. You signed the permission slips yourself." The Supreme Commander grumbles more, beats his head softly against the matte black desk.

"Katsuragi," Gendo groans, voice barely above a hoarse whisper. "Please tell me you have an idiotic plan for this."

"Quite idiotic, Commander," Misato replies via video with a salute. "You see, I had a feeling something like this would happen, so I decided to get our good friends at the JSSDF to loan us some VTOLs. Then, I thought that wasn't awesome enough, so I pulled rank on Ritzy and she let me use the new Dummy Plugs in units 00, 01, and 02!"

"Aren't I supposed to be the final authority on launching the Evangelions?"

Misato chuckles, "You gave me the jurisdiction to launch the Evas if you were ever indisposed. After last night, you were kind of indisposed." So that's why he has a splitting headache and is wearing a Totoro costume.

"What about Sachiel?" A single bass note rings out as if on cue. A pink and blue blur streaks across the screen, bouncing off of AT-Field like a rubber ball with an ahoge.

"When she heard the Angel alarm, we couldn't keep her in the cages," Maya says, not looking away from her monitor. "We literally could not."

"The EVA restraint systems are also primed and ready sir," Misato adds, "so all we have to do is let EVA-07 do her thing and lead Sachiel to the secondary cages."

"That's surprisingly astute of you," Gendo says, perking up somewhat.

"Of course sir," Misato says proudly. "You didn't hire me just because of my tits after all. At least, I'd like to think so." That draws a wan smirk from the old man and his lackey. He pushes his glasses back onto his face, the light catching them just right.

"Very well. Commence the operation!"

Misato reclines in the back of her jet, ready to go. "Commander Ikari, that's my line."

~!~!~!

Evangelion Unit 07 nee Liao Rei had a good five minutes of going all out before she ran out of energy. If she showed some restraint, she could stretch it to an hour. Mama Ritzy had told her to take her time out there, man the turrets NERV installed in several dummy buildings. That worked, for about thirty seconds. Then she saw an N2 mine fly, and got the bright idea of riding it like a pony. As it flies, she pulls a cowboy hat and her trusty bass out of a hole in her forehead. Sachiel sees it coming and shoots it down; she leaps to another missile in the volley. They play this game for a few moments; Liao hopscotching against explosions through well timed applications of AT-Field. With a flying leap, she catches a mine that slipped through the Third Angel's view and rides it.

As the mine detonates, she slams the bass into the Angel's field, clutching onto her hat through the blast. It's strong, but the hammering blows allow her just enough purchase to slip through with her own Anti-AT Field. She rolls through the cracks and lands in a tumble, clutching at her headpiece.

"Liao, we need you to lead the Third into Sector 10 for us," Maya says into the microphone. "It's 600 meters to your left."

Liao nods, "Roger that, Miss Ibuki!" She runs up a building, dodging some errant explosions. With a flip, she bounds onto Sachiel's hand in mid swing. "Hey Mister Angel!" she says, waving. It looks at her with that quizzically tilted head of his. His hand is talking to him, that's never happened before. She turns around and waggles her ass tauntingly. "Chase me!"

Sachiel doesn't know why his hand wants to be chased, but he might as well oblige. He begins to lumber away, hand outstretched. Missiles and mortar rain down upon him, but they're about as irritating as a light drizzle. All is his hand, his magical, talking, glowing hand.

"Well, that was unexpected," Fuyutsuki muses. He was one of the first ones; Adam must have forgotten to give him brains.

Gendo pinches at his sinuses. "The first enemy of man is a giant retarded child, and it has been outwitted by a smaller child." He exhales, squeezing his eyes shut, "I should have just trained the boy."

"I could have told you that Ikari. A trained soldier is a healthy soldier, and a healthy soldier is a loyal soldier," Fuyutsuki coughs. "It also would have kept Yui from eating you at the end." Gendo shakes his head, groaning, and then rests it on the desk. Fuyutsuki looks out at the scene in front of him and he can't help but crack a smile.

Sachiel lumbers through town, crashing and smashing through everything in his path. His hand is still glowing and waggling things at him, giggling and making merry music. It's fascinating; he wonders how come his hand never did this before. Maybe it was something the Lilim did; if so it was pretty nice of them. If it weren't for the urge to become complete again, he would be content just watching as his hand does this forever.

"Sorry I've gotta stop shaking my moneymaker but," Liao says, kicking off of the Third's hand, "gotcha Mister Angel!" She floats over the Angel's head, strumming her bass as she goes. "This song's dedicated to a special Adamite in the audience. It's called 'Fire All the Restraints'!" She pops a note on her bass with a whoop as building facades slide off. Sachiel is surrounded on all sides, restraint pods slipped under the minimum range of his AT-Field. He is vaguely aware that he has walked into a trap, but is transfixed by the fact that his hand is flying now.

"A one, two, three, four!"

Cold steel projectiles provide thunderous percussion at Liao's call, wires snaking around the Angel strong as spider's silk. The wires hook around every nook and cranny, as Sachiel cuts one down, three more take its place. Retrofitted APCs fire Bakelite at exposed joints and flat feet, holding the Angel fast. He struggles lamely, the weight of thousands of cords running it further and further into exhaustion. It may be a city-crushing titan, but it still has limits. With one last gasp, it shoots a dizzy laser into the sky; collapsing backwards in a heap. As it falls, Liao finishes her tune; jamming the last note in time with the crash. The cross-shaped blast provides her with a light show to die for. She flashes a cheesy smile and gives a thumbs-up towards the horizon.

"Was that cool enough Miss Misato?"

~!~!~!

"Shit yeah!" Misato yells, grasping her monitor, "That's what I'm talking about!" The pilot of her aircraft looks at her funny.

"Target is in range Major."

"Oh. Wonderful," she says, grabbing her headpiece which in no way looks like a Dragonball Z scouter. "Are you ready girls?" Her monitor switches to a multi-window view of the vitals of each Eva unit.

"Is that a trick question Katsuragi?" a voice purrs like a Panzer tank. A twenty-something girl wearing very little clothing comes onto the screen; golden eyes glowing. She cracks her neck, makes her long, candy apple red ponytail wag. "I was made ready."

"You're too enthusiastic Shiki," a young Reiclone in a red dress responds, popsicle dangling out of her mouth. "I'd rather be sleeping."

"Megumi, you don't need to sleep. You're an AI," a tanned girl who looks for all the world like a genderflipped Shinji corrects. "And you were just made; it's no good to be so lazy already."

"I'm one of the Ree," Megumi sniffs, "I've lived more times than the both of you combined. I should get to be lazy."

"I'll take that as a yes," Misato says, sending a relay to the VTOL wing. "Remember girls, drop and roll! Launch the Evangelions!"

Above the skies of Kyoto-2, three unmanned mecha fall like leaves in the wind. Large, destructive, screaming leaves.

~!~!~!

When Miss Tanizaki said she was going to sacrifice someone, she did it right. It was such a rare occurrence for her, so she relished every second of it. The students were pretty eager to go along; have them look danger in the face and it's not long before they take the conch and kill Piggy. Mob mentality is the best mentality, she thinks, putting the finishing touches on a knot. With a cheery wave goodbye, she leads the rest of the class into a shelter; the Children of Evangelion hoist by their own Judeo-Christian petards.

"Of all the ways to die, I think this is a new one," Shinji says, trussed up to a makeshift crucifix.

"You'd be surprised," Rei says similarly tied, staring blankly at Shamshel. "Superstition runs high in some forms of the post Second Impact world. Being an albino with blue hair and unnerving countenance is a good enough reason to get burned at the stake." She mutters under her breath, "Thank Great Mother for AT-Fields."

"Huh. Never been tied up before," Mari muses, surprised. "Well, if I'm gonna die, might as well go out with a bang."

"This is the worst!" Asuka screams, kicking and gnashing at her bindings. "Hikari, bust us out of here!"

"Sorry Sohryu, mob rule," Hikari says, shrugging, "can't be helped. I'll pray for you!"

"We don't need prayer, we need freedom!" Asuka's screams are cut short by the approach of Shamshel, or more accurately, the tentacles of Shamshel. She freezes; tentacles are not one of her favorite things. A few cameraphones go off in unison; damned Japanese and their tentacles. If she made it out of this alive, Doctor Asuka was going to be giving out free chiropractic treatment to some perverts. The tendrils of the Fourth Angel pass over her, making her twitch. They don't go anywhere untoward however, instead opting to snatch her up by the cross. She goes up screaming girlishly.

"The great ero-Angel has made his decision!" Tanizaki cries, arms wide in zealous fervor. "All glory to the ero-Angel!"

"How the hell did she get to be a teacher?" Shinji groans. "You'd think Section 2 would have put a bullet through her skull for this."

"She amuses Supreme Commander Ikari," Rei says, held aloft upside down. "He respects those who can outdrink him." Even as she is pulled higher into the air, her expression doesn't change. She looks around sleepily. "Oh. It appears as if I've been captured. I believe there are proper lines for this scenario." She coughs into her hand, and proceeds to speak as if reading off a teleprompter. "Kya. Don't open me there. Rei-chan is…being filled up."

"Yes, yes!" Tanizaki proclaims, "This is delicious! Eat and grow fat with the tasty angst of the Eva pilots!"

"Hey, wait a minute. Why am I here? I'm a boy!"

"Shinji, how inconsiderate," Hikari chastises, eating her lunch while her friends get snatched up by an Angel. "He could be an Angel with an alternative lifestyle, like Nagisa." Somewhere on the dark side of the moon, Zeruel is rendered blind by a spray of sparkles. "We should respect all life choices, even if they're made by aliens from beyond the stars."

"Even if they're trying to kill us?" he screams, tentacles hovering over him. They pause for a moment, and then fly towards Mari, hoisting her into the air. "Oh come on, why am I always picked last?"

"I thought you didn't want to be here," Hikari says, daintily sipping tea.

"Well, I don't," Shinji says abashedly, "it's just, being least popular hurts."

"At least you'll be the last to be defiled."

"This is true." Both Hikari and Shinji spend a moment contemplating. For a moment, there is utter calm.

And then Evangelion Unit 02 Goomba stomps Shamshel's face in. Internal speakers turn on as Unit 02 stands proud on top of the fallen Angel.

~!~!~!

"Kyoko Shikinami, making an appearance," the Dummy Plugged 02 boasts. With a quick snap of its wrist, it cuts through a tentacle; freeing Asuka from Shamshel's clutches. She plummets to the ground, only to be caught by the mobile Unit 00.

"You have to excuse Gertrude, she's a bit of an attention whore," the surrogate prototype says. "You should know that, she is based off of you after all." It gently places Asuka on the ground, and then proceeds to free the other two pilots with a Prog Knife of its own. Unit 01's AT-Field keeps the crowd safe as Units 02 and 00 wrestle with Shamshel. As this happens, the lead VTOL makes its descent, Misato standing proudly in the doorway.

"Hey kids, how's the field trip going?"

"It's going freaking amazing!" Miss Tanizaki says, waving her arms like a bird. "But you ruined the sacrifice! Now we're all doomed!"

"Tanizaki, what did I say about drinking during work?" Misato says, greeting her old college buddy with a cheeky look.

"Only do it when the little bastards aren't looking," she replies with a clenched fist.

Shinji crawls over to Misato, the crucifix having fallen over in the fracas. "Oh god this woman is insane get me out of here and into the Eva please help!"

"You say that like we aren't all insane," Misato chimes, cutting her ward free with a combat knife. "Gonna have to borrow the kids Tanizaki, you know, saving the world and all that jazz."

"Yeah, yeah, make the English major feel bad," Tanizaki says, shooing Misato away. "Kick it in the balls for me kid," Tanizaki cheers, "do that and I'll give you extra credit!"

Misato flips open a communication device, sure that Shinji is secure. "Iron Maiden this is Ghost in the Shell, do you copy?"

"This is Iron Maiden, coming in loud and clear," Mana says. "I'm in the shelter, civvies are secure." A cry of 'so cool' screeches through her transmission; she shushes her friends, embarrassed.

"Roger that Iron Maiden, we're sending the Fourth too," Misato says, striding over to the gussied up Children. Without missing a beat, she cuts Rei, Asuka, and Mari loose. Giving them a once-over to ensure their safety, she gets back on the line. "We'll pick you up when this is done."

"Understood Ghost, over and out." Mana flips closed her communicator and basks in the admiration of her peers. They must not have been able to fix up Unit 04 in time, she thinks. Good thing too, she didn't want to hear Mari's porny noises over the speaker system the Evangelions seemed to have gained.

"Wonderful. Now, I'm sure you guys have had a rough day, so if you don't want to fight we can have the Dummy Plugs do it."

Asuka shakes her head no. "Uh-uh. This bastard put his dirty tentacles on me." Her eyes gleam murderously, head hanging limp. "I want to make him suffer."

"I would like to see how the Me Who Is One Quarter Me responds to combat situations," Rei says.

"Can I pilot Unit 01?" Mari asks, perking up.

"After what you did to Unit 04, 05, and 02 those last couple of times?" Misato scoffs. "That's like asking Commander Ikari if you can beat up his wife. Actually, it is asking Commander Ikari if you can beat up his wife." She crosses her arms in motherly implacability. "No dice. You're meeting up with Mana back at the shelter."

"Aw man, I just stay losing today," Mari grumbles as she walks to the shelter, dejectedly kicking at a rock.

"Shinji, you down to pilot?" He nods assent. "Cool. Megumi, AT-Field full power. Gertrude, Noriko, fall back; your children have arrived."

~!~!~!

"I can do this myself," Unit 02 snaps, sliding to 00's back. "Orders are orders though, so whatever." She crouches down to an accessible position and pops open the neck hatch. The Entry Plug ejects, Plug Suit deploying like an airbag. "Don't get me wrong though, I'm not doing this because I like you or anything." Asuka boards her unit in a daze; nothing about this can be real. Out of habit, she changes into her suit, still trying to process what the hell is going on. How is 02 piloting itself? And why is it so tsuntsun?

"Okay, Misato, somebody, explain this madness," she says, adjusting her A10 clips.

"What are you, stupid?" Gertrude snaps, "I'm the Dummy Plug system for Evangelion Unit 02. I can run the Eva all by myself, but since I have to listen to stupid Major Katsuragi, I guess I'll let you pilot too."

Asuka facepalms, is this how normal people saw her? "First things first, if we're going to work together, you're going to have to fucking stop the Rie Kugumiya thing." She runs diagnostics, the Entry Plug retracting back into the Eva's spine. "If you say 'shut up shut up shut up', I'll find a Lance of Longinus and run the both of us through."

"Y-you can't talk to me like that," the Second Made whines. Any further complaints are rendered silent by a convenient switch to auxiliary sound.

"Akagi did this, didn't she?" says Asuka, head held low. "That bitch is getting hers one of these days." She opens a channel to Misato's communicator. "Asuka Sohryu Langley, ready to launch."

Shinji's Entry Plug experience was much more sedate. Unit 01 bows to him in the classic Japanese manner, plug extended with no hassle. His Plug Suit was neatly folded in the chair, and there was a blue ribbon tied around the seat. Confused but not really shocked, he saddles up; not bothering to put on the suit. He acknowledges the spirit watching over him with a nod.

"Thanks Mom."

The Dummy Plug system for Unit 01 squeals. "Wait, I'm not your mom! I'm kind of based off her, but I'm more of a female you." If it were possible for a disembodied voice to wave their hands no, this one would be doing it.

"That's not creepily Freudian at all," Shinji says with a small chuckle. "There were enough times I was a girl in other cycles, so it wouldn't surprise me if an AI routine made the switch too." He smiles, grabbing at the blue ribbon. "Is this for me?"

"Y-yeah," the voice of 01 stammers. "It's a good luck charm."

"Aw, thanks," says Shinji, genuinely touched. It should worry him that the most touching female relationships he has are with a 60 meter tall giant robot version of his mother, but he'll take what he can get. "I'm sorry; I didn't get your name."

"It's Noriko. Noriko Akatsuki," the voice says softly. "I hope I don't disappoint you, Ikari-kun."

"Don't worry, you won't," he says. If it were possible for ones and zeroes to blush, they would be incandescent right now. "Shinji Ikari, ready to launch."

"Awesome, now let's get this show on the road so we can get to Zeruel," Megumi says, the only one with the presence of mind to manifest a body. Granted, she is a Ree, so it comes naturally to her.

"You mean Sachiel," Misato says over the communication channel, "right?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, that one," Megumi says, making a mental note to not look past the fourth wall in front of people. "Can we get on with this?"

"Of course, go cut loose," says Misato with a dramatic wave of her hand. "Begin operation!"

~!~!~!

Megumi's eyebrows perk up at the phrase 'cut loose', a sickly-sweet smile crawls across her face. She pushes forwards with her AT-Field, bulldozing the flat-footed Shamshel through the streets. Snapped to action by the forward movement, Shinji and Asuka spring into automatic motion; Prog Knives readied in unison. Shamshel gets its field up; sumo wrestling Unit 00 with the light of its soul. This is what the two wanted, as they fan out past 00's field, knives ready. 00 pulls its field back a fraction; sloppier than Rei would have done but good enough to make an opening. In a move they've practiced countless times, Shinji goes high and Asuka goes low, raking slashes across Shamshel's flesh. They spin outwards, deflecting tentacles meant for the other. With a sprinter's bound, they take the back of Shamshel and thrust for the kidneys. The blows ring true, causing Shamshel to writhe in pain.

Remembering vague snippets of a past life, Megumi flexes her hand, excitement in her eyes. She brings Unit 00's hand straight through the abdomen of Shamshel, drawing blood and ichor. It splashes on Unit 00, which draws a giggle from her.

"This is kinda fun," she says, licking her lips. "But not fun enough to want to keep doing. Hey lovebirds, put this thing out of its misery."

"Lovebirds?" Shinji and Asuka blurt, practically spit taking without drinking liquid.

Shamshel takes advantage of this lull in the action to disengage from Unit 00. It was so great when the Lilim did all the work for you; he wished that someone had given the purple one an overcompensatingly large minigun again.

"Hey!" Megumi pouts, stamping a tiny foot against the seat. "No fair running away!"

Shamshel giggles on the inside, pushing his AT-Field into a blinding burst of speed. It bowls over Unit 00, drawing a cute squeal from Megumi. He focuses his attack on the red unit; it has the girl who doesn't like tentacles. Unfortunately, the tentacles most definitely like her.

The angles and speed of the tentacles puts Asuka on the back foot; she swings behind a building and draws an EVA-sized holdout from 02's hip. She side fires to buy some time as Shinji pulls out the Magoroku, aiming to end the fight in one quick draw. It clashes against AT-Field, Megumi too far out of range to effectively neutralize. Asuka feints back, then rolls under into Shamshel's guard, unleashing a clip of ammunition to its center mass. If she's lucky, she'll hit the core; if not, she's gotten its attention. The better for Shinji and the new doll to get a good shot in.

"I'm going to make you pay for being a pervert," she snarls. Shamshel laughs, but to Lilim ears it sounds like a sort of warble. It was cute when they got cocky. Asuka spits, she didn't get lucky. Oh well, better to be good than lucky she thinks as she bumrushes the Angel. It snakes tentacles at her, but she angles her AT-Field slanted back, so they roll off over the top. Unit 02 gutchecks the Fourth Angel, sending it spiraling into a diagonal cut from Unit 01. It tries to get its AT-Field back up to a wider spread, but Asuka scouts it and begins neutralization.

"Hey Asuka, you want this one?" Shinji asks, 01 and Magoroku at the ready.

"What are you, stupid," she says with a cheerful giggle, "of course I do. Gimme that sword." Unit 01 tosses the chainsaw katana to Unit 02's waiting grasp. "Baby doll, hold the Angel down," she says to Megumi.

"Baby doll?" Megumi asks, patting down Unit 00. "Oh right, childlike AI version of Ayanami." She walks over, AT-Field in full suppression mode. With a force of will, she smashes Shamshel into a building, pinning it between steel and soul like a butterfly under glass. "Save some for me please."

Asuka cracks a downright demonic smile. "I promise nothing." Shamshel hisses and flails, it's not fair that she got backup. Where was Sachiel, he needed dumb muscle to take hate and tank. "Hey Shinji, you in the mood for calamari?" Did that sword just rev? Shamshel heard that sword rev. This wasn't going to be pretty at all.

"Uh Noriko, you might want to close your eyes for this one. Asuka gets a little, overenthusiastic at times," says Shinji in a wavering voice. A popup that denotes Dummy Plug recording turned off shows up on Unit 01's screen. "How I wish I could do that with my brain."

In the interest of saving what little scraps of psyches the average Evangelion fanfiction reader has, there will not be a vivid description of Asuka slowly cutting through Shamshel's limbs, waiting for them to grow back, then cutting them again. We will not speak of Asuka making meat ribbons of the Fourth Angel, nor shall we speak of her practicing decapitations and vivisections. We will, however, confirm that she made calamari of Shamshel, and Shinji got his extra credit. Finally, we will confirm that when she finally put the Fourth Angel out of its misery, the crowd rejoiced.

{to be continued}


	14. In Bloom

All things considered, Ryoji Kaji was bored out of his mind. Being the manslut of the espionage world loses a lot of its charm when there's no intrigue to get knee deep in. Ikari had decided to keep him around, more for the sake of something for Asuka to fangirl over instead of something important. He enjoyed not having to do wetwork, even if it was replaced with telling Asuka he wasn't going to show her wetwork of a different kind. Still, it was almost too peaceful. The Angels were coming out of order, there had been two new Children, and he still wasn't sure exactly what permutation the Seventh came from, but it was peaceful. He lights a cigarette, leans against the wall of the breakroom; his pose melting into the picture of playful cool. It wasn't like he was trying to pick up anyone, the look just sort of happened. He just had an aura that begged women to do things to him. Not all of these things were pleasant, but all's fair in love and war.

One Mana Kirishima was about to learn this firsthand, as she happened to choose this time to get a canned coffee. The moment she was hit by the full effect of his swag her shipping gears redlined. Numerous permutations, both het and slash ran through her mind like cheap pantyhose. She freezes up, places quivering hands on rapidly blushing cheeks. Twin streams of blood run from her nose as she pants in an attempt to outrun Illustrious past the bounds of good taste. It wasn't as if she had fallen for Kaji, oh no. She, like the JSSDF, NERV, and the United Nations, knew a good bicycle when they saw one.

Kaji glances up, the look sending Kirishima further into happier places. "Is something the matter, Miss Kirishima?"

She squeaks, a hiss of steam escaping her nostrils. She shivers, shies away. "N-n-no Inspector, it's just that…"

"It's just that…" he mimics, adding a teasing lilt to his voice. He sighs inwardly, another woman under his spell. A shame she was underage, but his skills were dulling anyway. He would do nothing with her, just as he would do nothing with Asuka. He shrugged; if he were going to attract little girls, he thought, he might as well play with them.

"It's just that I can't stop shipping you with Commander Ikari," Mana gushes, wringing her hands together and swishing her hips. Kaji nearly chokes on his own tongue, any sort of casual charisma broken by his reaction. He slumps down the wall, cigarette fallen at his side.

"Kid, don't joke about things like that," he says, suddenly feeling a lot less masculine.

"Well, it's true," Mana says, puckering her lips. She plays with her fingers, a nervous habit. "Don't worry though, you'd be the seme."

"That's not very comforting," Kaji groans, massaging his forehead. "Children shouldn't decide the makeup of adult relationships."

"It'd be hot and you know it," Mana grumbles under her breath. She cleans herself off, taking care to plug her nostrils with tissue paper. "Would you like something, Inspector?" she asks, finger hovering over a vending machine button.

"Canned coffee, sweet."

"Shaken, not stirred, right?" Mana says with a laugh. She tosses him a can and takes a seat next to him on the floor.

"Normally the debonair super-spy is asked that while sipping martinis with a beautiful woman," Kaji says, swirling the can around. "And said beautiful woman usually doesn't implicate him in homosexual activities."

Mana blushes, "You say that to all the robotic nerd girls, don't you?"

Kaji chuckles, his smirk breaking into a smile. "I don't meet very many, but I'll keep it in mind from now on."

"Glad to be of service," Mana says into her chest. She notices the dirt on Kaji's hands, imagines them caressing Shinji's soft face. Her nostrils get a little bit redder. "Hey, Inspector Kaji, how come your hands are dirty?"

"Ah, you noticed. Well, a man such as myself gets involved in dirty work," he says, looking to the ceiling. "Somewhere I had forgotten to wash my hands clean of it."

"Was that before or after you killed the guy?" Mana says flatly, bringing Kaji's eyes back onto her. She gives him a girlish smile. "I may not look it, or act it, but I'm a dog of war too. I know that kind of dirt doesn't show up on your hands."

"So it doesn't," Kaji says wistfully. "Well, if you must know, I was cultivating. Watermelons."

"That doesn't seem very manly," Mana chuffs.

"Seeming isn't everything," Kaji replies, flicking Mana on the forehead. "You of all people should know that, Iron Maiden."

"It'd be nice if they were," Mana says, downbeat. "Because I'd like to believe that what we're doing here doesn't have any ancillary meaning. I got enough of the intrigue last time."

"You can't have an intriguing existence without intrigue, Kirishima," Kaji says. "Although I understand that if it could, a toy would like to be sure that its master won't abandon it."

"And after I just said no ancillary meaning," Mana chuckles. "Well, I guess the more things change the more they stay the same." She turns away slightly, "It'd be nice if some elements of the story would just disappear though."

"If it was promised to someone, then they just might." Kaji gives her a coy look. "Wishes do come true, if acted upon through the proper channels."

"True, but I'd rather some wishes stayed unanswered."

"It would seem that humankind got their wishes, all in all," Kaji replies cryptically. "Let's hope it stays that way."

"Hope is overrated," Mana says, leaning her head back against the wall. "Let's make it stay that way."

Kaji sighs, raises his coffee can in salute. "Very well then, let's make our seeming reality."

"Yeah, let's," Mana replies with a clink of can.

Track 13: In Bloom

In the center of Tokyo-3 sat Sachiel; an impassive mummified titan. He felt tired, couldn't move due to the weird bandage things the Lilim had put on him. It made his soul itch, and he didn't know why. When he tried to fight out, the bandages made him tired and his soul grew dim. It made him sad. His hand would come out some times and play music for him, which made him happy again. There was something he was supposed to do, but it relied on Shamshel. Now that they were all together, Shamshel was the one who knew the plans; Sachiel just wanted to play. He wondered why it was taking so long for him to show up; maybe he was off on a wonderful adventure.

Unfortunately, Shamshel was not on a wonderful adventure. He was quite dead, his last moments an unspeakable agony brought upon by a demented redhead. Given said unspeakable agony, the sweet release of death was a fortunate thing.

Sachiel was getting really tired; he couldn't keep his mask on straight. It was okay if he took a little nap, right? Shamshel would come to wake him up, and they could play again. Maybe his hand would come back, and they could all play together. That would be nice. Just one little nap and everything would be wonderful.

The MAGELING drones reported energy signatures in the Third Angel dropping to zero. The beast had finally gone dormant, looking towards the horizon for something that never came. The bridge bunnies double-checked the data, confirmed the results. The Third Angel had been defeated.

The quiet tranquility of the Dark side of the Moon suddenly grew a great deal less tranquil.

"How in my name did they defeat both of them?" Kaworu yells, sparkles flying free.

"Well boss," Iruel, Angel of Terror and brains of the outfit says, "you kind of underestimated the members of NERV who aren't pilots."

"But I don't care about making them happy," he pouts.

"That's all well and good, but if you want to win this, you have to," Iruel interjects. "Or at least, figure out how to separate the wheat from the chaff better."

Kaworu slumps, dumbstruck. This wasn't how the scenario was supposed to go at all. Granted, the scenario was basically 1. Capture Children, 2. ?, 3. PROFIT! That doesn't mean that it was a bad scenario, he thought glumly.

"How did they beat Sachiel so easily?"

"Well boss, Sachiel…isn't the sharpest tool in the shed," says Iruel. He displays images of the bird-masked titan staring blankly at various things, like clouds and missiles. "In fact, he's about as sharp as a wet sack of sponges. His AT-Field is one of the strongest, and he's the best fighter we've got outside of Z and Armisael, but," He puts up an image of Liao shaking her moneymaker. "…Yeah."

"Can we retrieve him?" the downtrodden First Angel mutters, glutting himself on Angel food cake.

"Already way ahead of you boss," Iruel says with pride. "We've got the 14th locked and loaded, he's been spending the past week going over the new data and he's en route to Tokyo-3. He'll be there by tomorrow!"

Kaworu stops mid-bite, both eyes burning red. His mortal form starts to break down, tendrils of light dancing smoke trails off of his flesh. His voice roars like God's judgment. "YOU DID WHAT?"

"I-I sent Zeruel ahead," he stammers, bringing up images of the 14th's excellent track record in defense. "The Lilim will be so worried about stopping him that we can bust Sachiel out and have him play clean-up." Charts and graphs showing the tactical feasibility of the plan flash apologies to the First and the Last. "We can disable the Evas without killing the pilots, and then you can just float down and collect your prize, right?"

Kaworu closes his eyes and smiles, back to the unassuming teenage boy. "Eleventh, who is the First and the Last of our kind?"

"You boss."

"And which of us came the closest to our most sacred and holy mission?" Kaworu stays smiling as the pressure in the room increases. Monitors start to crack under the strain.

"You did boss," Iruel squeaks, feeling the pain of his effective limbs splintering.

"Now, Iruel, this is the $64 million question," Kaworu says, languidly opening up twin vortexes of hate. "Which one of us is IN CHARGE OF THIS OPERATION?" His full splendor bursts forth, shattering delicate equipment and drawing a feedback screech of pain from the Angel of Terror.

"You are Adam, All-Father!" Iruel screeches through distortion, "Forgive your vassal's impudence! It was for Project 17-XX!"

Kaworu halts his magnificence, "Project 17-XX, you say?"

"Yes," Iruel whimpers, "I have the vessel prepared already. If the Fourteenth is successful, you have your Children; if he fails, you have your prototype. It's hedging your bets, All-Father."

The peals of energy dissipate from Kaworu's form as he looks at the screen, at the vessel for his obedience. He leans in close, taking in every inch of the design. A cheery sparkle shoots upward as he applauds Iruel's work.

"Oh, this is too good! I almost want to make him lose, just so he has to do this!"

~!~!~!

A lot of paperwork goes into the proper care and maintenance of your average Freudian cyborg. There are expense reports for upkeep, PR materials necessary to be vetted for the proper spin, requests for weapons development, charts and figures and enough paper to constitute a small forest. That's before you get into damages, possible class action lawsuits, and the steady stream of petitions that Aida makes to be an Eva pilot. It's a Herculean task, one that seems to get greater with time. Fortunately for Misato Katsuragi, she doesn't have to deal with it herself anymore.

Unfortunately for Mari Makinari Illustrious, she does.

"I know I've died and gone to Hell," Mari moans in the least pornographic manner possible, "so when is Satan going to shove a pineapple up my ass?" She collapses on a new stack of papers. "Dear lord, I think I'd enjoy that."

"Maybe if you're good," Misato says with a wink, tapping a stack of paper on her assistant's desk. "How's it coming?"

"Nothing's coming, that's kind of the point," Mari snaps. "I'm completely dry, and I've been like that for weeks! It's like the bloody Sahara down there!"

"That's not what I meant," Misato says, sipping her Irish coffee. She hands Mari the cup. "How is the paperwork coming?"

"It doesn't end; I finish one, two more pop up," she says, taking a draught of the warming liquid. "And when I go to school, Hikari's got me on duty too. I get to take a break from paperwork with more paperwork."

"Sounds fun," Misato says, unsurprised. This was part of the plan; she had nudged Horaki's father into giving Hikari ideas. The girl would make a good commander one day, if she kept her nose clean. "You look like shit, haven't you ever done paperwork before?"

Mari looks up, heavy bags around her eyes. "Do I look like the kind of person who does paperwork?"

"The way you dress, you look like the kind of person who gets hired under the pretense of doing paperwork," Misato responds.

"So you're saying I'm the kind of girl who takes oral dictation under the table?" Mari says, licking her lips. "You're not that far off actually. If you brought Kaji around, I could give you a demonstration…"

Misato steps back, caught off guard. She's still got a little fight left in her she thinks, adjusting her jacket. "Cute. If you think I'd give him up that easily though, you've got to be crazy."

Mari sighs, flopping back in her seat. "I'd say I'm going crazy, but I was already crazy before. Now I think I'm super-sane."

"Well if this is sane, I think I like it better," Misato says, patting her on the shoulder. "Take a break, let off some steam. Punch something."

"You mean it?" Mari says pleadingly, eager like a kid on Christmas Eve. Misato nods, her motherly face on. Mari squeezes her half to death with a hug, burying her face in her breasts. "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" She breaks away from the hug and skips away, humming a jaunty little death metal tune as she goes. She rounds a corner and swings at the first thing she sees.

~!~!~!

The three Children had just finished a cross-synchronization test with their Dummy Plug systems; an "icebreaker session", as Ritsuko put it. It was weird, getting to know alternate versions of them. Rei was used to it; she had spent a lot more time with her sisters thanks to Dr. Akagi's tests. She may or may not have been getting replaced with her sisters during these tests; it got hard to tell after a while. As far as she knew, she was still the first of this series. It was strange though, her surrogate acted like the previous First, yet spoiled rotten. Perhaps the late Doctor had finally found the time to be a mother. She had to say, however, that the one called Fubuki was rather cute.

Shinji, completely comfortable with the concept of a female consciousness inside his giant walking bringer of destruction, took the time to talk shop with Noriko. She was eager to please, sweet, and unsure of herself: a genderflipped version of him. He had the overwhelming urge to protect her, even though she was created to protect him. Like him, she seemed to be the buttmonkey of her trio, and like him, she just wanted to be loved. He swore that he'd do so; to steer a version of him on the right track. Eager to have someone to talk to, she told him all of the little things that she did to get ready for her fight. She listened to image training tapes and songs from Second Impact mecha shows. She viewed all of the combat tapes she could, liberally sprinkled with her namesake in action. Shinji made a mental note to see a Doctor about a backup Rei body later.

Asuka gave Dr. Akagi several choice words in German throughout the entire test. The whole ordeal was humiliating. It wasn't the fact that she was sharing the spotlight with a doll; Ayanami would be several bodies short if that were the case. It wasn't the fact that the system's avatar looked and sounded like Mama; a little in-plug recalibration changed it into a Raggety Asuka doll. A little morbid humor based on her own screaming insecurities never hurt anybody. Besides, it was a pale imitation of her, so she treated it as such. What really set her ass on fire was the fact that it would not shut up. It was angry and petulant and hid any attempts at niceness with firey bluster. It was as if someone had given Asuka a lobotomy. When she took it up with Dr. Akagi, she laughed and said she had no idea what she was talking about. The Dummy Plug did kick her sync ratio into the stratosphere; the annoyance seemed to drive the strength of her soul higher. The more she took advantage of Unit 02, the quieter the Dummy Plug got. She may have beaten Stupid Shinji, she thought, but goddamn if it wasn't annoying.

"Gott in himmel," Asuka groans, working out a kink in her shoulder, "I never thought they could find a way to make me not want to pilot Unit 02." She strides down the hall, Plug Suit hooked around her finger, Rei and Shinji at her side. "But Akagi managed to do so."

"That bad, huh?" Shinji says, a little spring in his step. "Well, Noriko is pretty nice."

"What kind of nice," Asuka asks accusingly, "the touching kind?" She gives Shinji a coy look, pantomimes masturbating, "Or the 'touching' kind?"

"I should have seen that coming," Shinji says, head bowed in defeat. He ignores Asuka's childish snigger, and doesn't notice Rei's. "I'm not going to do that to Noriko, she's too pure."

"I applaud your restraint Pilot Ikari," Rei says flatly, "you did not have it when you believed me to be pure."

Shinji stumbles, almost falls over. "Et tu, Ayanami?" he says, face scrunched up in consternation.

"I meant no harm by it, Pilot Ikari," Rei says, blushing slightly. "In fact, your lack of restraint made me…happy." Shinji stuffs his hands in his pockets, nearly scrapes the ground his head's bowed so low.

"Now that's just weird, even for you Wondergirl," Asuka says, hand on her hip. "It says something when I'm the most stable, normal person piloting an Evangelion," she chides, rounding a corner blindly.

"Pilot Sohryu," Rei says into her chest, "you may want to duck."

"Huh?" Asuka turns back for a second, still walking forward.

Into Mari.

Who's eyes are closed.

Who's winding up a punch that has a week of blueballs behind it.

She never sees it coming.

"Oh shit, sorry Red!" Mari blurts, skidding to a stop. She prods the unconscious Second Child with a foot. "Fuck me; she's out cold, isn't she?"

And that's when the alarms went off.

"An Angel has breached the first line of defense! It's Zeruel! Get the Children to their Evas!"

Mari gulps, they were going to have her ass for this. "Oh fuck me."

~!~!~!

Asuka opens her eyes to a familiar sight; a child crying. It's a boy, a little Japanese boy holding a girl's doll. He sniffles, rubs his eyes with the white arm of the stuffed doll. He clutches it tightly to his chest, obscuring his face with blue felt hair.

"Hey kid, why are you crying?"

"Because you wouldn't save me," he warbles; his hands now around the doll's throat. "You couldn't even save yourself."

"Hey kid," Asuka asks, voice quavering. "What's your name?"

The doll turns her head around 180 degrees; black felt eyes stitched in mad whorls. A harlequin's smile is plastered on her face. It giggles from everywhere and nowhere. "What are you, stupid?"

A door opens behind him, showing a mirror image. It's something she's also seen before, a raggedy cloth doll hanging from a noose. But the doll is different; it's wearing a skin-tight red outfit, has two cat-ears like hair clips instead of circular hair decorations. Its face has a broad smile ripped on it from ear to ear; stitched roughshod with red thread and push pins. An angry hole oozes stuffing where the right eye should be.

Asuka tilts her head upwards, and the doll follows suit. She screams bloody murder inside, but the only thing that comes out is laughter.

~!~!~!

Zeruel loved his job.

The pitiful Lilim were so fun to watch as they ran screaming from their destroyer. The whistles of their missiles were like sweet music to his ears, the explosions they made were wonderful percussion. Squadrons of helicopters were incinerated with but a glance, buildings fell at his stubby feet like the vassals they were. The Lilim squawked and roared, their mechanical beasts driving them further to suicide. It was all so delicious.

A volley of restraint bolts fly out from every which way; the Anti-AT Field generated within each bolt clever but pathetic. The splinters of their pet Angel's soul are far too weak to pierce the full majesty of his ego. He gave his judgment of the Lilim's efforts with a glare; the quiet screams of their tools' dying breaths cries of the rightfully damned. The few that managed to break through shattered against his glorious carapace.

He passed his weaker brother, laid dormant by the same restraints that failed to slow him. If he could not defeat such base tools, he did not deserve to be revived. Scoffing inwardly, he gazed down upon the wicked false beings. The ground parts in acquiescence to his demands. He rebukes them again and again, digging deeper and deeper into the Black Moon. This was hardly a challenge, he was getting bored. With a sweeping blast that levels most of the remaining forces, Zeruel leisurely floats above the Geofront. Let the Lilim ready their pet daemons. Let them think they can stand a chance against the Angel of Might. Let them prepare.

The ripened fruit tastes all the sweeter.

~!~!~!

"Ritzy, we're in a war right?" Misato asks cheerily, rocking on her heels.

"Yes Misato, we are given wartime jurisdiction for as long as the Angels keep attacking." Ritsuko responds, running last minute diagnostics on the Dummy Plug systems. Misato steps in closer, leans over Ritsuko's shoulder.

"And that means I can have people shot if I want to, right?" Misato whispers conspiratorially.

"No Katsuragi, you can't execute the Fourth Child gangland style," says Ritsuko, not even bothering to look behind her.

"But she's just asking for it now," Misato says, frowning. "She punched out Asuka for cripes' sake. Right when we got the Fourteenth on screen too."

Ritsuko continues typing, her thoughts elsewhere. "And who told her she should go punch something on her break?"

Misato slouches, frown growing a little deeper. "That little bitch narced on me!"

"Hm?" Ritsuko gives her college friend a mocking glance, "What was that?"

"I mean, she's a danger to herself and those around her."

"Unlike a certain purple haired commanding officer who's been shotgunning Yebisu in the woman's bathroom?"

"So that's why the bathroom smelled like a brewery today," Maya says to herself. She was worried that there was something foul going around.

"That's totally different," Misato asserts, stomping her foot. "I do that to unwind, and I don't jeopardize the mission!"

"You don't jeopardize the mission yet," Ritsuko corrects, still focused on her work. "The Second came to quickly enough, and we do have the Dummy Plug system. The pilots are expenda…we have a broad roster of piloting choices this time."

"Hey Ritzy, what'd the five fingers say to the face?"

Ritsuko turns around, thoroughly annoyed. "I thought I told you, no more terrible-"

The slap could be heard throughout the compound.

"You still respect the sanctity of human life," Ritsuko says, as if it were an obscure factoid, "right." She rubs her stinging cheek and swivels back around in her chair.

"Alright kids, you know how this goes by now," Misato says to the pilots. "Be careful out there; for once we're not getting blindsided by this guy. Rei, you'll take up position Seven; right under the impact zone. Aim straight for the core, one shot one kill." She softens, visibly worried. "If it gets hot, you get out of there as fast as you can, okay? Don't be a hero."

"Roger." Rei nods briskly, flexes both her hands. She's ready.

"Asuka, Mari, you two are going to flank as soon as the Angel touches down. We've got you both a nice big bag of goodies to greet him with too."

"Rock," Mari near growls, toes tapping with excitement.

"Understood," Asuka says groggily. She was still weirded out from that dream; luckily Zeruel had come to give her a stress therapy session. "Wait, how did I get here?"

"Ayanami brought you," Shinji says, running pre-fight checks. "LCL woke you up."

"But I wasn't in my Plug Suit, was I?"

"I changed you myself, Pilot Sohryu," Rei says, eyes to the sky, unaware of the bright red Asuka's face had turned.

"Eeeeh? You did what?" she blurts, turning her anger on Shinji. "You watched, didn't you Shinjecchi?"

"There's nothing that I can say that will avoid what you're going to say, so yes," Shinji says, blushing slightly. "I watched, and it was as the kids say, fucking awesome."

"Stupid pervert! Letcher! I can't believe you!" Asuka yells, Shinji mouthing the words along with her.

"Focus, Asuka," Misato says testily, trying to keep the operation from turning to shit before it even starts.

"Alright, alright," Asuka says, taking calming breaths. She bares her teeth in a war face, "Hey Shikinami, don't get in my way okay?"

"What are you, stupid?" Gertrude growls, angry that her avatar form had been turned off. "I should be telling you that."

Misato clears her throat, drawing the attention of her soldiers again. "Mari, follow the chain of command; if Asuka or I tell you to jump you ask how high," Misato says sternly, all playfulness gone. "Follow our orders to the letter; no showboating, no violation, no, well, being you. Do that and you might get to see the sun again after assaulting a pilot."

"Yes'm," Mari mumbles in a very un-Mari like fashion. Spending the rest of her life in a lightless cell didn't sound fun at all. Being afraid of the dark had nothing to do with it, not at all.

"Shinji, you're playing rear guard. After the first volley, Asuka and Mari will fall back to your position; when that happens, kick up your AT-Field and go to work."

"Roger," Shinji says grimly. He wouldn't let this thing harm his friends again. He wouldn't run away, he knew what happens when he ran away. "Noriko, are you ready for this?"

"I-I'll do my best," she says, "I was built for it after all."

"That's all I want," he says with a smile. "Ready Mom?" Unit 01 roars in anticipation.

"Great. We'll keep Unit 07 on standby," Misato says confidently, ignoring the ringing groan of disappointment that comes from said unit. "Alright, begin the operation!"

{to be continued}


	15. The Beast Two Twenty Two Mix

This was it, the big one. This was the one that separates the men from the boys; or in Rei's case, the FAR from the Lilim. She cradles her Positron Rifle like a newborn child, the first thing she connected to in this new cycle. It was her preferred method of combat; distant and effective, a surgical tool. Like her. The rifle hadn't started considering harem ends, she thought, but she wasn't sure if that was a strike for or against it.

One Lilithian eye open, she sees beyond sight, drawing a bead on the Angel of Might's core. She found it funny how he had such a brazen weakpoint; all the better to hit for massive structural damage. The one named Fubuki provided her with calculations and angles to make the impossible shots she saw possible. With a whispered prayer, she pulls the trigger; three shots screaming in perfect synchronicity. Two go wide, deflected by the gravity of the AT-Field. The third finds purchase with a satisfying hiss. Rei smiles daintily at the explosion; that made two to Nagisa's zero. Her eyes go wide with shock as a paper-thin limb slashes against Unit 00's shoulder. The smoke clears; the Angel of Might gazes upon her, smirking. She gasps, flinging Unit 00 into a roll right before the detonation hits; the magnitude of the blast still strips armor off of her flesh.

"That…could have gone better."

As soon as Zeruel had made his move, Mari was off, pistols akimbo. She empties her clips into the Angel of Might, catching his back exposed. The shots bounce off of his armored hide, but that's okay. It was good for such things to be rock hard. It turns to her, levels an explosive blast. She slides to the side, the blast sending her stumbling into an embankment. It puts her within neutralization range, but also open to a follow up blast. Before Zeruel can go for another shot, Unit 00 hits it clean with a Positron Rifle round. The blow is enough to give Mari time to get her bearings, Pallet Rifle fire giving her an extra breather.

She grabs an overcompensatingly large minigun off of one of the Geofront's embankments, pushes in closer, and fires almost point blank. The Angel flinches under the withering storm of bullets, giving Rei enough time to run for cover. It turns around with a roar of challenge, slices through the minigun with an offhand slap. The nearest weapon embankment would put her back in range of that explosive eye thing, or leave Rei open to further attack. Whoops. Time for Plan B, at least until Red and the Ikari kid get into position. Mari grins, slapping the shoulders of Unit 04 in a grappler's invitation. She deploys a Prog Knife, gripping it backhand as Unit 01 crashes fields with Zeruel. Looks like Ikari didn't need that much time to get into position, she thinks.

"Hey ugly, let's dance!"

Shinji sighed; it was always a challenge to get psyched for fighting. He never had Asuka's enthusiasm, or Rei's stoic nature. He wasn't sure he wanted to have whatever the hell Mari had. It usually took someone getting hurt before he was able to sack up, which is why he enjoyed being the plugger of the group. He could protect, he could throw himself into harm's way pretty easily. The sounds of gunshots roused him into action; it was starting. Mari had gone ahead a little earlier than her cue had said, but it was going after Ayanami.

Nobody hurt Ayanami.

With a pained roar, Shinji and Unit 01 get moving; AT-Field spread into a shield. Zeruel blasts at him with his gaze, but the barrier of three souls intertwined repels it. Undaunted by the heat, the Third Child charges; his Pallet Rifle spitting death. It is enough to serve as a distraction, gives Mari some room to breathe, and lets Asuka find the right time to strike. Shinji doesn't think of that though, and neither does Yui. All they think of is hurting the thing that hurt Ayanami. Noriko factors these things in, gently nudging the Eva into a better firing position as it rushes forward. Carelessly tossing its spent rifle aside, EVA-01 slams its AT-Field against the Angel of Might, hands pressing desperately against it.

"You stay away from them!"

Asuka frowned; she wanted to be the first one to greet Zeruel. She knew Wondergirl was the better shot, but the thought of not being first into the breach gnawed at her. The bag of goodies Misato left her was a minor comfort: not only did it have an armory's worth of handcannons, but also the prototype of the 'special request' she asked Hyuuga to put in for her.

She saw Rei take the first few shots, get driven back by those weird arms, almost get blown to bits. Amateur.

She saw Funbags go ahead of schedule, but couldn't be arsed to pull her in line. It shot at her, but didn't hit her, which was good. A useful distraction.

She saw Shinji dash forward, moving up the retreat line out of her current position. She smiles. Stupid bastard, running after his favorite doll.

Well, if it was time to throw caution to the wind and go buck-wild, she didn't want to get left out. Romantic fool.

Gritting her teeth, she picks up a pair of grenade launchers; wielding them cross-armed. She lets a controlled burst fly, the whistle of projectiles catcalling her. They bounce of the Angel's AT-Field, but it does get his attention. It turns to her, eyes glowing. She runs forward, firing one after the other. The blast licks at her heels, drives her forwards. With a quick command and a cheery whistle, she initiates melee combat protocols. Tossing the empty grenade launchers away, she reaches back with Unit 02. A longer projectile flies towards her, portions falling off and rocketing towards Zeruel. The casings impact against its barrier, but that's a distraction for the main show.

She grips the projectile by the base, running her hands along the jet black shaft. A wicked blade protrudes from the front end, counterbalanced by a blood-red spike. Evangelion Unit 02 flies through the air, trademark brown cloak cast off. She swings the Progressive Falchion in a lazy circle, before slicing it through the air like a red comet. The familiar hum of a chainsaw blade provides a background track for Asuka's warlike scream, as Hyuuga's special request makes itself known.

"I am Asuka Sohryu Langley, the Spear that Smites Evil!"

Track 14: The Beast {2.22.2222 Mix}

The air to ground tsundere missile slams into another pane of AT-Field, progressive teeth chewing hungrily on the obstruction. With a disgruntled noise, Asuka kicks off of it and swings Unit 02 into a somersault, using the momentum to lash out with a one-handed strike. Zeruel levels his aim upwards, aiming to blow the pesky Lilim out of the sky. Unit 01 growls and pushes forwards, sending Zeruel's aim off. It wobbles to correct its flight path, takes a swing at 01. It ducks, lets the appendage pass harmlessly overhead. Mari takes the opportunity to dash in, going for the kidneys. Asuka lands behind her, thrusting her polearm up and over the crouched Unit 04. Zeruel can't get around in time with Unit 01 still harrying it, so it strikes blind; pushes the falchion out of the way. Mari gets her licks in, but the Prog Knife shatters against its back.

"Man, I thought guns were supposed to be useless," she snerks, launching a tonfa from Unit 04's right arm. She brings it into the small of Zeruel's back and unloads with a few shots.

"Out of the way Funbags," Asuka yells, Prog Falchion held low. "This one's mine!" Unit 04 hops back; Asuka's looping slash barely missing it. Zeruel repels Unit 01 for a moment, sends it staggering. It turns to face Unit 02, masklike face turned in a sneer. Both arms fly out, catching Unit 02 across the face and shoulder. Asuka scowls, pushes forward with a flurry of stabs and slashes. The Dummy Plug yells in her ear, tells her how she should be attacking it, but she doesn't care. It doesn't know what it's talking about. She won't lose. She can't lose.

"Asuka, it's charging up for another shot!" Shinji warns, shoving Unit 01's hand into Zeruel's side. She slides under its legs, Prog Falchion splitting the gap. The shot fizzles as Zeruel screams in pain, a flailing strike pushing Unit 01 back again. It strikes again, but Unit 01 catches it, reels it in for a devastating right cross. A jab-jab-cross combination leads into a pommel strike from Unit 02, which sends a hairline crack along the face of the Angel of Might.

"Come on Angel," Asuka mocks, kicking it in the back of the head, "aren't you supposed to be the strongest?" She cuts it on the back with an upwards slash. "You're fucking pathetic!" As if to add punctuation, it eats a blow to its side; the AT-Field weak enough there for a Positron Rifle round to hit cleanly. This was not going as planned; the Lilim had grown more vicious.

No matter.

With a thunderous roar, it forces the light of its soul into a bludgeon; catching the impudent Lilim across the face. It staggers back spinning, clutching its eye. A circular collection of Absolute Territory forms around Unit 02's neck, raising it off the ground in a makeshift garrote.

Asuka chokes and sputters, dropping the Prog Falchion. Unit 02's hands dance and jitter; grasping for Prog Knives. She desperately flings them one after another at Zeurel, some get lodged into its flesh, but the pressure doesn't cease. The longer she's held, the worse her aim gets, and the weaker she feels. Her vision starts to fade, she feels her head swimming. Out of knives, she reaches out to the enemy, hands splayed. The only thing keeping her conscious is a single thought.

"I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I'll-"

The AT-Field contracts with a crunch. Unit 02 twitches, and then falls limp. The bridge bunnies gasp as they watch it get thrown away like so much trash.

"Unit 02 has gone offline," Makoto says somberly.

"The pilot?" Misato asks, trying to keep her game face on.

"Stable, but unconscious. Switching control to Dummy Plug system."

"No," Gendo says, impassive. "Tell the Third and the Fourth to push the Angel towards the First. Allow the Fourth her…indulgences."

"But Commander, Unit 02 is a sitting duck out there!" Misato snaps.

"It doesn't matter. Recovery of Unit 02 would be detrimental to the Second's mental state."

"Her dying would be detrimental to everyone's mental state!"

"Major Katsuragi," Gendo says, glasses glinting, "do you have that little faith in your ace?" She stares him down for a tense second, but is the first to balk.

"No sir, I don't," Misato says, looking away. She takes a deep breath, commands all of her authority. "Shinji, Asuka's not dead; go on the offensive."

Shinji nods grimly, pretty face turned into a snarl. This thing hurt Ayanami, and took out Asuka. It had signed its own death warrant, as far as he was concerned. Yui growls in agreement; her baby had tried so hard to open up to those girls, and she'd be damned if someone was going to take that from him.

"Mari, you're hereby allowed to cut loose," Misato says, arms crossed. "No strings attached."

Mari squeals, rubbing her legs together. "Missy, you've made me the happiest girl in the world!" She punches a code into Unit 04, turning the cockpit's lighting emergency red. Warning signs cover the screen, screaming bad ideas on deaf ears. "Hope you don't mind if I get a little freaky." Her eyes glow green; lips pull back into a feral grin.

"So, she's using 'that', huh?" Ritsuko says casually as her monitor blare warnings.

"What do you mean by that, sempai?" Maya asks, worried about anything further out of the ordinary Illustrious could do.

"She's willfully casting off the humanity of the Evangelion," Ritsuko says, running through the lines by rote. She pulls out a cigarette and lights it. "Unleashing the killing machine within." She takes a drag, exhales the smoke into the air. On the screen, Unit 04's facemask cracks open, its true face spreading in a rictus grin. Restraints pop off like angry spikes, belching steam into the air. It slumps over, panting heavily, tongue slavering. Ritsuko raises an eyebrow, interested for once. "Forced Berserk Mode: Codenamed…"

"ZA BEASTO!"

Unit 04 roars terrible freedom, Mari crying with it. Every inch of her was singing, she was overflowing with emotion. She licks her lips like a hungry predator, Unit 04 following suit. "Hey, Shinji," she says, almost barking, voice low and rich. Her eyes are glassy, transfixed on Zeruel. "Let's double-team this bitch."

Unit 01 howls recognition, hands lashing out to grab Zeruel's appendages. It kicks at its core, sending it skidding back. Unit 04 crouches on all fours, and then launches itself at Zeruel, tearing great bloody chunks of its AT-Field off. The ends of the tonfas emit twin lances of AT-Field contained light; Sachiel's weapons writ small. It bounds back and forth, ripping at the Angel of Might like a mad dog. Unit 01 is scarcely better; true berserker mode held back by Noriko's pleadings and the remaining strands of Shinji's rationality. He deploys a Prog Knife, sticks it between his teeth, uses it to rend and tear at stray limbs as Zeruel fights to keep him at bay. Zeruel folds inwards, compresses his AT-Field, and takes an arm off of Unit 01. Shinji doesn't even notice, his fury at this monster reaching a fever pitch. Neither pilot is in their right mind, it'd be a minor miracle if they could form coherent sentences right now. That said; they understand each other perfectly.

"They're doing it," Misato says, cracking a hopeful smile. "They're actually doing it! Go Shinji! Go Mari!"

Ritsuko chuckles, ignoring the abnormal readings coming from both pilots. "You're enthusiastic."

"Well of course I am," Misato pouts, "We're winning."

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news," Shigeru Aoba says, lying through his teeth. "But the Fourteenth doesn't seem to be taking any substantial damage." He looks at the information readouts the MAGELINGs show him. "And Units 01 and 04 are getting more and more worn down. They need backup."

"Way ahead of you," Misato says confidently. "Hey Rei, how's the Positron Cannon charge coming?"

"Ready to fire in T minus 30 seconds, Major," Rei states, one eye squeezed shut, the other black. "I'm going to blow him back into the Stone Age."

"That's what I want to hear!" Misato says with a thumbs up. "Man, this is not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Outside of Asuka, this is going pretty well."

Maya blanches, "Uh, Miss Misato?"

"Yeah Maya?"

Ritsuko gives Misato a sideways glance. "You haven't heard of the phrase, 'tempting fate', have you?"

~!~!~!

Zeruel had to give the Lilim credit; they were persistent. Like cockroaches. The direct approach wasn't working as well as he would have liked. This was good, he enjoyed having a challenge, and a challenge involved outwitting as well as outfighting his foe. The two Lilim had become little more than beasts; fierce and driven, but stupid. The pet Nephilem was trying something, but no matter. She was timid, weak. She would not bring her soul to bear, too scared of her children losing themselves again. The one who walked as he did thrashed at his flesh; finding no purchase but on the light of his soul. The other worried at his soul, slashed and tore. It was far too troublesome. He just had to hold out for a few moments more. A few moments more and the Lilim would fall by their own hand.

"C'mon, c'mon," Mari growls, tongue out. "Whip it out already!" Unit 04 latches onto the AT-Field of Zeruel, tearing and thrusting with every part it can use. "Why won't you give it up?" The AT-Field melts away; both Unit 04 and Mari's faces brighten. "Jackpot!"

"High energy signature reaction detected!"

"Oh god," Maya covers her mouth in horror. "It's going to hit her point blank."

"Get out of there Mari!" Misato yells.

Mari's eyes widen, her smile jumps off the slippery slope into crazytown. She's got it; she's going to climax finally. Unit 04 cocks an eager arm back, stops. She snaps back to reality, the deadly glare of Zeruel upon her. Twin points of light burn into her vision and she prepares for the worst. Tears well up in her eyes, her face falls into one of quiet terror.

"Oh, fuck me."

The blast lights up the Geofront, strips the armor off of Unit 04. It goes flying, crashes in a tangled heap. Skin and steel sizzle, red eyes go dim. Inside the entry plug, Mari heaves and shudders; the pleasurable tingle turned to searing pain. She's alive, barely. A small mercy, if it could be called that.

Unit 01 screeches with rage; Shinji's urge to protect now completely subsumed by murderous hatred. All pretense of tactics or skill gone, he forces Unit 01's hands through a gap in Zeruel's AT-Field; every mote of power he has focused on neutralizing that one spot. It has no throat to grab, so he makes due with the facemask; squeezing it like a vice.

"You hurt Mari," he chokes. "You hurt Asuka." The grip grows tighter. He bites his lip, drawing blood. "You hurt Ayanami!" The Angel smiled at him.

Everything went bright.

"Rei," Misato gasps, voice caught in her throat. "You didn't…"

"T-target neutralized," Rei whispers, staring blankly. She doesn't notice the tears fall. "I could not let the same thing that happened to Pilot Illustrious happen to Pilot Ikari. I had to take the shot."

"What's the status?" Misato croaks. Hyuuga looks at her, concerned. She snaps. "I said, what's the status!"

"The Fourteenth Angel has stopped moving. Unit 01 is offline," Hyuuga pauses, "We did it."

"I want a full rescue team out there yesterday!" Misato orders, scowling. "Do it now! Now now now!"

"You might want to hold that order, Major," Ritsuko says, pointing to the screen with her cigarette. "Look."

"Oh god."

The Angel of Might roars like thunder, laughs like it has never laughed before. This was combat! This was excitement! This was going to be over very soon.

The boy had given in to his own anger, and failed to notice he had acted as a human shield for him. Truly foolish.

The new girl had thought she had won, fallen for the simplest of feints. Pathetic.

The Nephilem thought she had no other choice but to shoot, and in doing so did his work for him. Disappointing.

He paid no mind to the crippled servant of Lilith gnawing at his AT-Field; it would fall off like the refuse it was. He sauntered over, letting her and all others bask in the glory of their destroyer. It felt like victory.

Rei Ayanami was ready. She knew it would come to this eventually; in a sense, she wished for it. Sooner or later, circumstances would arise that would jeopardize her children's livelihood and as a good parent, she had to deal with it. She had chosen this position to fire from for two important reasons: it had excellent visibility, and it was where they housed the N2 mines.

Head bowed low, a mouthed apology to her sisters and her friends, and a systems override later, she could begin. "I will see you soon, Pilot Ikari. Pilot Sohryu. Pilot Illustrious."

"Major, Commander, the N2 silos are opening!"

"Unit 00 has shut off communications. She's picking up the N2 mines!"

"Rei, stand down! You don't have to do this!" Misato recoils, steps away from the screen as if it were going to attack her. She hits the outcropping of the Commander's desk, begs the Supreme Commander without words. Gendo simply takes off his glasses, looks down at her with red rimmed eyes, and shakes his head no.

Unit 00 sprints towards Zeruel, N2 mines at the ready, glowing moonlight white. Inside the entry plug, Rei stared death in the face with two blackened eyes; completely stoic. For everyone's happiness, she would sacrifice her own. The thought made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. Perhaps next cycle, she could express exactly what that meant to her better. For now, this would have to suffice.

"Farewell."

~!~!~!

Click-clack, click-clack.

"We're on a train again, aren't we?" Shinji groans, head in his hands.

"Yep," Asuka says, lounging on the other side.

"I forget, does that mean we're dead, or crazy?"

"I think it means we're supposed to do some deep-seated soul searching," Mari says, cleaning out her ears with a pinky, "Or some stupid shit like that."

"It means we are at a crossroads," Rei says, stepping into the same train car as the others. "As you are no doubt aware of by my presence here, I have decided to commit suicide for the good of humanity Since I am here, I have failed."

"You mean nobly sacrifice yourself for the good of humanity," Asuka says, bored. She was the first to go out, so she had been sitting here for a long time.

"That's the polite way to put it, yes," Rei responds. "Seeing as how Zeruel has subsumed Unit 00's corpse into itself, my efforts were akin to a very flashy suicide."

"So," Shinji asks, reclining in the seat, "What do we do? You going to tell me you want all of me or none of me again, 'suka?"

"Eh, at this point a pityfuck would do us both some good I reckon," Asuka says, rolling over upside down. "This sexual tension isn't gonna resolve itself, and I'm tired of my only pre-apocalypse action being from a fucking beam of light."

Shinji blinks, turning redder by the minute. "Y-you mean it?"

"Sure, why not?" She looks up, suddenly wanting. "Unless, you don't actually like me?"

"Hey Red, this is a serious existentialist crisis, not a K-drama," Mari barks. "Unlike you guys, I'm more of a car sort of person."

"Pilot Illustrious is right," Rei says, more than a little jealous. "We have more important things to deal with." She splits into five: each nude, one eye black, one eye red. "What do you wish for?"

"I wish to keep fighting shit," Mari says, flippantly. "Duh."

"What do you wish for?"

"Everyone's happiness and the strength to defend it." Shinji says, somewhere between a boast and a plea.

"What do you wish for?"

"What are you, stupid?" Asuka says, rolling to her feet. "A chance to burn the brightest before I fade away."

"What do you wish for?"

"To live and die in the arms of my children." Rei says to herself.

"What will you do to achieve those wishes?"

"Overturn the end of existence itself," the pilots cry out.

"What have you done to achieve those wishes?"

"Given our hearts, given our souls, given our minds!"

"Will you fight?"

Unit 02's eyes light up a radiant green. Asuka gasps, brought back to life with fire in her eyes. "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!"

"Will you fight?"

Unit 04's armor plating starts reforming in brilliant red and white. It starts to laugh, and Mari laughs with it. "Fuck yeah I will!"

"Will you fight?"

Unit 01 cries out to the heavens, head reforming with brilliant energy, six AT-Field wings growing from its back. Shinji's eyes burn red, to match his boiling blood. "Of course I will; after all, I mustn't run away!"

"Will you fight?"

An explosion rocks the cages, pierces the sky. It's Evangelion Unit 07 in full glory. "Anything for you, Ayanami onee-sama!"

"Well then, show me," Rei whispers, deep within Zeruel's core. "Show me I'm not replaceable."

~!~!~!

"Huh, guess they managed to figure out some shounen anime bullshit for this, too," Ritsuko says darkly, betraying her genuinely warm expression. "Maya, take over for me. I'm going outside to watch the fireworks."

"I want to go with you, sempai!" she says, firm. "I won't turn away, as long as you're with me."

Ritsuko snickers. "Well aren't you the cutest little schoolgirl lesbian?" Maya turns beet-red, and then goes infra-red when her sempai puts an arm around her. "Fine, we'll see it together." She nods in Misato's general direction, "You too. We'll make it a threesome, like college."

Misato gives her a weak smile; the kids might just be alright. "Were you always this shameless, Ritzy?"

"Yeah," she says, tossing away a spent cig, "You just didn't notice it."

~!~!~!

"Hey Asuka, you want this one?" Shinji asks, the extreme sync ratio causing his very self to blur in a manner not unlike hotbloded pencil sketching. His arms are folded with Unit 01's; Yui's never felt so cool before.

"Nah, you can do the speech," a similarly sketchy Asuka waves him away. "I just want to cut him up with my Zankatou." She shrugs, "Besides, it's your RealDoll we're fighting for anyway."

"Thanks Asuka."

"No problem."

"Take it away kid," Mari coos, fascinated with her newly sketchy form. So this is what 400% synch ratio felt like.

"Right. We have seen countless battles, died countless times and lived countless more. We have stared the end of the earth in the face and jizzed in its eye! We are the Children of Eva!" Unit 04 moves like a blur, ripping gashes in reality as it strikes the Angel of Might.

"We won't be satisfied by the likes of you!" Mari cries, shattering Zeruel's AT-Field like fine China. He fires another point-blank blast, but Unit 04 tears through it with its bare hands.

"We will never be defeated by the likes of you!" Asuka howls, Unit 02 whirling its Prog Falchion like a typhoon. Zeruel strikes with both limbs, but both are cut down within a single breath.

"We will not be denied our greatest wishes!" Liao hollers; a white streak of light crashing straight through Zeruel's faceplate.

"Now give us back OUR AYANAMI!" Shinji, Yui, and Noriko yell in unison, arm made of pure AT-Field fuckery wrenching out Zeruel's core with ease. The Angel of Might collapses upon itself, flesh metamorphosing into that of a woman's.

Around the glittering core of the former Fourteenth Angel, the Second Angel, no, Rei Ayanami is reborn.

~!~!~!

"Hey Iruel?"

"Yeah Tabris?"

"Adam. It's Adam."

"Sorry boss."

"You know where I put that Lance of Longinus?"

"Left it in Beijing-2."

"Oh, me dammit."

~!~!~!

Whether you were the lowliest bum in Tokyo-3 or the Supreme Commander of NERV, you were looking up at the sky right now. Glorious red rings of light split the sky, shined down heavenly countenance in the middle of the city. A delicate latticework of every color danced across the clouds like cracks in glass. The air shimmered, the ground glowed. Everything felt peaceful. God was in his heaven, all's right with the world.

"Never in my life have I been this happy to have utterly failed," Gendo says, pouring himself a drink. He clinks glasses with Fuyutsuki, or more accurately, the puddle of LCL that was Fuyutsuki. He sips the drink, takes in his box seat view of the end of the world. "Dammit kid," he laughs, visions of Rei, Yui, Naoko and Ritsuko playing in the reflection of his glasses. "I'm proud of you."

"Looks like the Ree are coming for you again, Aoba," Hyuuga says, ignoring the apparition of Misato Katsuragi ready to jump his bones into oblivion. "Pray they're not the turnip loving kind."

"Hey, you know what they say," Aoba says to his rapidly disintegrating companion, "the more the merrier."

"So, Kaji," Mana asks, poking at a watermelon as the sky weeps orange tears of joy. "You think LCL's good for these things?" She looks around, sees that Kaji is nowhere to be found, and sits down. "Ah, no fair," she pouts, hugging her knees to her chest. "I wanted to use more allusions with you." She looks up and smiles. "You're good with words, right Ikari-kun?"

"Sempai, I'm scared." Mana shivers, staring stupidly at the end of everything.

"Then hold on to me," Ritsuko says, flat, but with a hint of warmth.

"That's the thing; if I hold you too tight, I might disappear."

"Funny thing about science," she says, raising an eyebrow at the duplicates of Maya and the Supreme Commander. She grabs onto the real Maya, ruffles her hair. "It can't be proven unless you're willing to test it."

Misato gazes up at the stars melting into the drain of self-definition and grins. She sees a dinner table, clean, proper, piled high with a sumptuous spread. Everyone's there: Ritzy and Kaji and all of the kids. Even her father decided to show up. If this was how she was going to die, she could've picked worse.

"I'm back."

"Welcome home, Ayanami." Shinji says warmly, Yui trying her best to put on a motherly smile while being a god-machine.

"It's just like Nonoriri, Ayanami onee-sama!" Liao squees, as she turns lazy circles in the air around images of Rei. "You came back! A whole bunch of you came back!"

"Yeah, welcome back Wondergirl," Asuka says with a grin, her sense of self getting sketchier by the moment. "If you bit it, I'd have to spend all my time with Stupid Shinji." She shushes the apparition of him in her cockpit, slaps his hands off of hers. Her mother laughs behind her hand. "I'd rather be in a coma than go through that."

"Heh, still can't spit it out at the end of the world, huh?" Mari says; feet kicked up in her entry plug, an army of Liao Rei and Hikari Horaki clones emerging from the floor.

"It's okay, she said enough on the train," Shinji says, watching Units 02 and 04 turn into similarly white and nude versions of their pilots. "Now if we had Kaworu and Misato, this'd be a party."

"Am I not good enough for you, Ikari-kun?" Rei asks, brushing her gigantic hand across Unit 01's cheek.

"Not quite yet," he says, barely holding on to his ego barrier. "Smile for me."

For the [REDACTED] time in [REDACTED] cycles, Rei Ayanami as Lilith smiles. Warmly, truthfully smiles.

Death couldn't come any sweeter.

{End. Turn Tape Over.}


End file.
